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Like Crude Oil On Marine Mammals, Rep. Joe Barton Sticks To The Sage Words Of Rep. Joe Barton

When Joe Barton felt the sweet, seductive allure of those fifteen minutes of hot, sexy oil-soaked fame, he just couldn’t resist! It felt soooooo good finally getting the attention for once, and having people listen to him instead of that orange Boehner for a change. Now, there’s a change Joe can certainly believe in!

You know what else Joe “BP” Barton can believe in? Delicious oil! And not just any delicious oil, but ooodles and oodles of delicious British Petroleum, spillin’ good, old fashioned grease all over America’s once-pristine, life-filled shores en route to spillin’ good old fashioned dollar bills right into Joe’s grease-stained wallet.

And this time, he’s not apologizing or even apologizing for apologizing about being an actual oil industry millionaire whore who feels terrible for all the headaches America caused BP by allowing the oil company to destroy the entire Gulf of Mexico, and then forcing it to pay for all the death and destruction like some enslaved janitor in Hitler’s Nazi regime.

Or something like that…

And now that GOP leadership has taken the appropriate disciplinary actions (public scoldings, secret high-fives!), followed by a light slap on his chunky wrist, and a few fun minutes pretending he was actually going to lose his spot as the ranking Republican on the powerful House Energy Committee (ha ha, puh-lease!), isn’t time we move on? For America and Freedom!

Because what America needs now isn’t more insincere apologies (or sincere unapologies) from fat Texas oil men, whose tiny, frozen hearts break for the inconvenience this terrible Nazi government has caused BP in their noble quest to destroy America’s ecosystem, economy, and once-thriving marine wildlife, as payback for that little tea incident back in 1773, when the GOP was still vibrant, fresh, and relevant.

What America needs is to move forward, forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones!

Don’t we owe it to Joe Barton? Don’t we owe it to our poor, oil-drenched selves?

Following a closed-door meeting of Republicans today, House Minority Leader Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio, told reporters that Barton apologized to fellow GOP lawmakers for his “poor choice of words” and the “issue is closed,” The Hill reports.

HOORAY, the issue is closed, shut, finito! And Joe Barton is, of course, deeply sorry from the bottom of his cold, oil-filled heart for his “poor choice of words” because what he really meant to say was “WHO THE HELL IS THIS BLACK DEVIL IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND WHY IS HE TAKING ALL THE MONEY FROM THIS NICE BRITISH COMPANY ALL BECAUSE THEY MURDERED FLIPPER, PILLAGED OUR RESOURCES, AND RAPED OUR ENVIRONMENT, WHILE GETTING FILTHY RICH TURNING OUR COASTAL SHORES INTO FILTHY, OIL-SLICKED DEATH TRAPS, WITH NARY A SHRIMP TO CALL ITS OWN?”

Quick, someone alert the Democrats that the issue is “officially closed” so Joe Barton doesn’t end up in every Democratic campaign ad showing how awesome and caring the Grand Oil Puppets are, and how they would treat a reckless, out-of-control oil conglomerate spillin’ baby spillin’ all over America, whose dirty money they depend on, if they were in charge.

You think BP’s $20 billion escrow fund was a government “shakedown” just wait til you see what the GOP would do to those damn fisherman! Shakedown, hahaha, they’d freakin’ hurricane those poor boating bastards.

Oooh, but wait! There’s more good news for the GOP: The lamestream media is reporting that two more people just died working on the containment(?) effort, and the well is suddenly gushing TONS MORE crude oil into the Gulf of Mexico. Which means it is the absolute perfect time to ensure Joe Barton’s position as the highest ranking Republican and dirtiest oil industry shill on the House energy committee.

According to a new Public Policy Poll:

Texans think that Barack Obama’s right and Joe Barton’s wrong when it comes to BP’s responsibility for cleaning up the oil spill, and a plurality of voters in the state think Barton should lose his leadership post on the Energy and Commerce Committee. The episode is also having a negative impact on how Texas voters perceive Barton overall.

Yay!! The Republicans really don’t want to win the House. Governing can be sooooooo annoying, anyway.

Will someone please get Joe Barton off the Twitter and into a Mystic Spray tanning bed so he can be our next awesome, oddly glowing Republican Speaker of the House and continue his selfless work unapologizing for apologizing for his apology, which he never really meant in the first place.

America could really use a slick, unclogged mind as crystal clear and fresh as our coastal shores used to be.

Ya know, to really shake things up down.

1 comment to Like Crude Oil On Marine Mammals, Rep. Joe Barton Sticks To The Sage Words Of Rep. Joe Barton

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