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It's His House & He'll Cry If He Wants To

Get your man pants on, people!

Weeping orange boner John Boehner apparently did not get the GOP memo about how real Republican men don’t start moaning and wailing like some skirt-wearing sissy queer, they buck the hell up, put on their manliest pair of testosterone-infused man pants (Brett Favre’s Wranglers?) and leave the leaky faucet estrogen act to the li’l lady whose Speaker gavel now rests in their Grand Ol’ Possession.

Because America’s newest Speaker Weeper of the House doesn’t need an actual reason to sob on national television like the emotional dude or alcoholic madman on the verge of a nervous breakdown that he is, just like he doesn’t need the sun’s UV rays to achieve that natural “Rusty Nail” hue that is his skin color.

“I’ve never been in a tanning salon in my life, I’ve never used a tanning product in my life,” Boehner said, pausing to wipe away the fat, wet drops of Fanta-colored tears streaming down his face.

His wife Debbie said he’s had dark skin, a happy hour buzz, and the emotional stability of a playground schoolgirl, since she’s known him.

During an interview on “60 Minutes,” host Leslie Stahl asked the new House Speaker why he got so choked up on election night.

“Talking, trying to talk about the fact that I’ve been chasing the American dream my whole career,” Boehner said.

She better be smokin’ hottttt, what with all the time he’s spent chasing the sexy thing always playin’ hard-to-get, teasin’ him with her mini skirt and thigh-high f**k me boots.

“Some things, there are some things that are very difficult to talk about. Family, kids — I can’t go to a school anymore, I used to go to a lot of schools. You see all these little kids running around, can’t talk about it,” Boehner said. “Making sure that these kids have a shot at the American dream, like I did, is important.”

So there you have it, folks. John Boehner can no longer set foot in a school, or watch kids run around chasing dreams ‘n cooties ‘n stuff, because he might drown in all his tears. He can also no longer conduct so much as a single interview without breaking down and weeping hysterically on prime-time teevee all because that no-good bully Barack Obama called him a big, meany hostage man in front of everyone.

In the “60 Minutes” interview, Boehner said Obama showed him “disrespect” by calling him a hostage-taker.

“Excuse me, Mr. President I thought the election was over,” Boehner said, according to a transcript obtained by POLITICO. “You know, you get a lot of that heated rhetoric during an election. But now it’s time to govern.”

Govern…ya know, the stuff you do to look busy, and hopefully keep your cheeks nice ‘n dry like your fave martini, between tee times and happy hour.

“What you see is what you get,” Boehner added. “I know who I am and I’m comfortable in my own skin, and everybody who knows me knows that I get emotional about certain things.”

Like say a certain half-black president choosing to go public and speak honestly about you and your pale Republican cohorts negotiating in bad faith. Boo hoo.

Tears? No, no, them there’s Freedom Drops!

It may take a true Boehner to cry spontaneously and without provocation, but only a real Dick does it solely when talking about his own, sweet sufferin’ sunkissed leaker Speaker self.

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