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Is That a Tiger in His Pocket or is Rod Jetton Beating and Choking Women During Sex Again?

At least Tiger Woods has one thing to be thankful for during this recent rough stretch: Former Missouri House Speaker and Republican values posterboy Rod Jetton.

Compared to Rod, Tiger’s “transgressions” almost seem, dare I say, normal or at least “normal” for a married guy whose sextracurricular activities include a heavy rotation of whores and cocktail waitresses while his hot wifey and kids sleep sound ‘n snug at home.

Yes, thanks to Hot Rod here, Tiger narrowly avoids the Gold (plated) medal for biggest sleazebag of the year, falling just short of the title for one of the first times in his illustrious career as a golfer closeted sex fiend.

Instead, top honors go to onetime Missouri House Speaker and all-around good guy Rod Jetton, who was arrested Monday night for allegedly beating the bejesus out of a ladyfriend during another ho-hum night of hardcore S&M sex gone wrong.

Being the devout Methodist churchgoer and deviant sex wizard that he is, Jetton of course took all the necessary precautions by creating a safe word “green balloons” in case something should go awry while beating and choking your sex partner within inches of their life.

Only problem being that it’s semi difficult for anyone to say a “safe” word or any word for that matter, when your caring sex partner has taken it upon his genteel self to kindly roofie your drink and beat you into unconsciousness.

The Scott County court clerk confirms a felony complaint has been filed against former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton for a Nov. 15 incident in Sikeston, MO alleging that Jetton “recklessly caused serious physical injury to ——- by hitting her on the head, and choking her resulting in unconsciousness and the loss of the function of part of her body.” Delightful!

According to the probable cause affidavit, Jetton met with the woman in the evening on November 15th. Jetton discussed having intercourse with the woman earlier in the day over the phone and later went to the woman’s residence in Sikeston, Mo. with two bottles of wine, according to the report.

“The woman said she did not see him pour the wine because she did not follow him into the kitchen, but he returned to the living room and handed her a glass of wine. The woman remembers watching a football game and said once she finished the glass of wine, she began ‘fading’ in and out and remembered losing consciousness several times during the evening,” wrote Detective Bethany McDermott in her report.

McDermott reports that Jetton and the woman agreed on a safe word of “green ballons” to use as a stop word during intercourse.

“The woman recalls Jetton hitting her on the face very hard. She then remembers waking up, lying on the floor and Jetton was choking her. The woman said she did not know what happened with her memory because she had been drunk but had never had the blank spots in her memory,” McDermott reported.

“The woman said Jetton stayed the night with her and when he woke up he gave her a kiss and said, ‘You should have said green balloons.’ Jetton left the woman’s residence and had not returned,” McDermott added.

So in light of the evidence that longtime crusader against deviant sexual intercourse (aka homosinuality), Republican family man Rod Jetton beat the sh*t out of his drunk, drugged and semiconscious mistress while having freaky sex, making it super hard for her to say “green balloons” and also breathe, Jetton will officially dissolve his lobbying firm and leave politics to “deal with false allegations and spend time with his family.” Likely in an S&M dungeon.

Call me old-fashioned but whatever happened to those kinder, gentler days when a bottle of wine and a nice pair of lace panties were still enough to satisfy your man?

**Sigh.** Guess they just don’t make ’em like they used to!

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