Hurricane $arah Storms Through Oregon, Destroying All Intelligent Life In Its Wake

Category 5 Hurricane $arah Louise made landfall in wacky tobacky smokin’ Eugene, Oregon for a li’l one-on-one session with “everyday, hard-working Americans,” who make the great Beaver State the red hot, gun crackin’, gay bashing, immigrant hatin’, bastion of the hard Right we know and love today. Or at least in $arah Palin’s demented mind, that is.

Either way, the Barracuda knows there’s no better way to soften a skeptical, left-leaning crowd then with a few, well-placed jokes (written by someone with actual talent) about dumb liberals and their dumb policies always trying to help the poors improve their lives. Haha suckers!

And boy was Miss Alaska on a roll!

Stormin’ into Oregon to speak at the Lane County Republican’s Lincoln Dinner, $arah Palin Inc. (all $12 million worth), rolled out the usual pleas for electing more “small government” (chicken bartering?), “free market” candidates who will help get this country back on the white, err, right track by drilling for oil in wildlife preserves and sendin’ those stinkin’ Mexicans back to Mexicanland, or wherever it is they came from.

“It’s the belief that the government who governs least governs best,” she said, with nary a glance at the inside of her palm as reminder.

Of course, before diving into her substantive speech of truncated action verbs, cheesy, patriotic campaign slogans, and semi-coherent cliches, $arah felt compelled to address the hilarious notion of such a noted(?) rightwing crank speaking in arugula-eating, animal protectin’, baby-abortin’, liberal-leanin’ Eugene.

Like how she did a Google search (the Internet is not just for liberals anymore, my friends!) before her trip, and found an article that described the town as “hippie” and “granola,” and in love with its organic food. Ugh, perverts! Guess this is what happens when you let gays get married.

“I eat granola,” Palin said. “I just happen to shoot and catch my organic food before I eat it.”

Oh, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Then I hang it on my wall and call it furniture, wink wink!

“Here I am in Track Town USA and my kid’s name is Track. How Eugene hippie can that be?” she joked.

Oh, $arah you’re right. You’re a total hippie! The kind that loves all things natural and pure (like herself and tasty meaty things to shoot ‘n skin), enjoys ca$hing in on other people’s misfortune, and is very Jesus-like especially when protectin’ other women’s fetuses, and prosecuting college kids for correctly guessing the asinine password some dumb, lipstick wearing maverick chose for the very important, secure Yahoo! email she uses for conducting official Alaska state business.

But the funniest bits weren’t these knee-slapping opening zingers or any of the hilarious jokes she didn’t write, but rather the rest of her 40-minute war on intelligence and massacring of the English language.

“Only a limited government can provide the best path,” she said, portraying her majestic self as a populist (like most popular right?) Washington outsider and vigilant government watchdog. Err, more like Arctic wolf?

“Trying to keep up with what they’re up to and to keep them and the press accountable has really become a full-time job,” she said.

And everyone knows $arah doesn’t really do the whole “full-time job” thing, unless it comes with a few mil upfront and/or involves ranting on her favoritest Facebook.

“We have to make sure this ‘Obamacare’ is short-lived,” she said. “It felt so forced upon us. It was so forced upon us.”

Kinda like some lipstick wearing maverick pig hockey mom forced upon the unsuspecting public by a desperate, old man in the final throes of a losing battle against Barack Obama and creeping dementia.

“Production of our resources means security for Americans and jobs for American workers,” she said.

Someone needs to clean up the oil spills, no? Unless we want the gross Mexicans to do it, which I don’t think would be very American of us, now would it?

Much like her expertise on all security matters, including nuclear proliferation (those puffy round pastries are soooo yummy!), $arah fancies herself quite the li’l environmentalist, arguing that America needs to drill, baby drill in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge because our country already has more stringent environmental restrictions than many of the foreign, third-world nations we currently rely on for oil. No fair-zees!

“So environmentalists are kind of hypocritical on this one,” she said. “I don’t know how environmentalists can sleep at night.”

Perhaps the field of poppies helps?

Of course, no $arah Palin appearance would be complete taking aim at the “lamestream” media locked in her crosshairs (metaphorically speaking of course), who are clearly conspiring with the political left to discredit sweet $arah and bring down her loyal Benjamin Franklin dressed followers carrying swastikas and Hitler signs and wearing teabags (not flowers) in their hair.

“Sometimes they are kind of one in the same,” she said. “We call them the ‘lame-stream’ media lately.”

The royal we of me and my blue-eyed angel Glenny, that is, who know the terrible mainstream media’s always makin’ stuff up about the beautiful human bags of tea always protestin’ and fussin’ for the freedom to have a white president again.

“The left, well, they had to grab hold of something to discredit,” she said. “The press then just started making things up. I’ve had to deal with that for quite some time now.”

Yes, life can be so hard when the media keeps makin’ you a star, and you keep rakin’ in millions of dollars doin’ nothing ‘cept maybe give a “speech” off your hand in fake America every so often.

Naturally, the evil, elitist media was subject to strict guidelines from the Palin camp, lest any free-wheelin’ journylist tried to give the Ice Empress any trouble with fancy liberal questions like “What newspapers do you read?” (Ha, not this time my friends!)

Per usual, no cameras or recording devices of any kind were allowed and reporters were only allowed to watch the speech on a video feed in an adjacent room. Speech organizers provided one photo of the event taken by a hired photographer. And as with an $arah event, audience members were pre-selected and all questions pre-screened, just in case any rogues showed up.

Like the two dozen or so protesters gathered outside the Eugene Hilton, who $arah addressed by saying it was nice to see she had “greeters” outside.

She also said her daughter, Bristol, perhaps being a little too naïve, went down and chatted with them before sending mama bear a cell phone picture of them on the sidewalk.

Whoa, whoa, Bristol, naive??? C’mon! I simply cannot believe such an outrageous lie! Sounds like a stunt MSNBC might pull. You’re better than that Sar!

Then, Eugene City Councilwoman Jennifer Solomon read a pre-screened (is there any other kind?) question from the audience about her role at Fox News.

Palin said she was proud to be a part of Fox News for being “fair and balanced,” (in her unfair, imbalanced mind) and praised Fox host Glenn Beck, saying with “his chalkboard technique he’s changing our country.”

One Vick’s Vapo Rub-induced tear at a time.

Maybe one day (when Jesus returns?), the whole country will have the distinct privilege of listening to a home-schooled man (use a public-school instrument) to teach all about how the evil Greenpeace hippie Left is destroying Neo-Nazis and other “progressive Right” groups so vital to our nation’s future success.

Guess it’s no surprise that after attending five colleges (yes, she took the wandering drifter approach to higher education), Miss Wasilla Wonder developed a fondness for the chalk board technique.

Anything to distract from whatever the hell kind of ozone-destroying, soul-crushing toxic waste is spewing from her mouth, shaded perfectly with her new lipstick tested exclusively on endangered animals.

Special needs Albino foxes, not included.