Charming black walnut Herman Cain may have a way with the ladies (open-hand ass slaps only!), an uncanny knack for finding new and exciting ways to contradict himself on whatever subject matter is currently being discussed (you name it, he’ll waiver on it!), and the unparalleled ability to offend anyone and everyone with his constant buffoonery, outrageous blunders, and cartoonish lack of knowledge on anything not related to dough, sauce, cheese and sexually harassing whatever hot tits in a skirt he hired to ride the Cain train now.
But it seems no matter how many women he’s sexually harassed, policy questions he’s “answered” (knowledge is for pussies!) with some insane combination of monosyllabic grunts and nursery rhyme gibberish, the runaway freight train that is the Herman Cain Presidential Express refuses to be derailed.
Just the opposite, in fact. You see, Cain is sort of like the political equivalent of Bigfoot; the more science disproves its existence, the more people become convinced that this elusive, mythical creature is currentlycamped out in their backyards. Because whenever Hermy says or does something mind-blowingly dumb (pick your fave, cringe-worthy “OMG is he serious?” moment), his poll numbers actually go up.
So what in the name of 9-9-9 is the secret to Herman Caini-Caini-Caini-Cain-Cain’s improbable rise to the top of the GOP pack? Desperation? Perhaps. He is not Mitt Romney? No doubt. He is a walking, talking comedy routine and the polar opposite of a viable presidential candidate? Cain I get a hell yes!?
Just look to the Cain-Wreck’s recent GQ interview to see why, despite the whole electrocute Messicans, screw the poors, push ladies heads in his crotch stuff, America just can’t resist the one-of-a-kind Cain you don’t even need to snort to feel its crazy, mind-numbing effects.
Alan Richman: Do you eat pizza as much as people say you eat pizza?
Herman Cain: No, because I’m very particular about the pizza that I eat. Godfather’s is still a premium-quality product, and I cannot always find that. It’s got to be as good as Godfather’s or I won’t eat it.
Oh, so that explains his campaign! It just has to be as good as Godfather’s, a brand so delectable, you can only find it in gas stations in the most podunk cities around the country. Not just quality, Herman Cain quality!
Alan Richman: I understand that you like lots of meat on your pizza. Is this true?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Alan Richman: We won’t do it today, but we’ll have to argue about this one day, because I’m a crust man.
Herman Cain: You like a thin crust?
Alan Richman: I like a crunchy crust. You just want the meat piled on?
Herman Cain: No, no, no. We balance the ingredients to achieve what we call “a harmony of flavor.”
Alan Richman: This sounds like a Republican platform.
Herman Cain: [laughs] We don’t just throw stuff on there. We actually test, “Do you have too much sausage? Too much beef?” Because we want to balance the flavor out. So it is more scientifically developed than it might appear.
Ugh science?? I think we can safely say there’s clearly nothing Republican about that!
Chris Heath: What can you tell about a man by the type of pizza that he likes?
Herman Cain: [repeats the question aloud, then pauses for a long moment] The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is.
Chris Heath: Why is that?
Herman Cain: Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance. [laughs]
Devin Gordon: Is that purely a meat question?
Herman Cain: A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.
And Herman Cain ain’t no sissy! C’mon, would a sissy continuously stuff his pie hole full of various carcinogenic pig parts after recovering from Stage IV colon cancer less than five years earlier? 9-9-9!! Manly Meat for president!!
Chris Heath: What’s the best piece of pizza you’ve ever had?
Herman Cain: Obviously I’m going to say Godfather’s.
Chris Heath: But is it true?
Herman Cain: It is true. It gets back to top-quality ingredients.
Obviously, I’m going to say you’re full of shit because everyone knows Godfather’s is the worst. Hell, not even Papa John will go near that shit.
Devin Gordon: Let me ask you about your rivals. Recently, in response to a question about you being the new “flavor of the month,” you said you weren’t a flavor of the month, you were Häagen-Dazs black walnut, which “tastes good all the time.” If Mitt Romney was an ice cream flavor, what flavor would he be?
Herman Cain: Oh, just plain vanilla. [laughs]… Do you guys really want to do this ice cream analogy?
Devin Gordon: We do. Rick Perry?
Herman Cain: Rick Perry: rocky road.
Devin Gordon: Michele Bachmann?
Herman Cain: Michele Bachmann… I’m not going to say it. I’m not going to say it.
(Please don’t say tits, please don’t say tits!)
Devin Gordon: Oh, come on!
Herman Cain: Tutti-frutti. I know I’m going to get in trouble!
(At least he didn’t say tits!)
Chris Heath: Ron Paul?
Herman Cain: Let me finish chewing! [pointing to the Godfather’s-inspired pie] This is my favorite by far. I love the sausage, the mushrooms, the sausage. Love it.
Alan Richman: You know it could go on the menu.
Chris Heath: This is testosterone-packed.
(And you know how Herman loves his hot male hormones!)
Herman Cain: Yeah, loaded. If you’re worried about cholesterol and calories, don’t go into a pizza place in the first place.
Chris Heath: I threw you off. Ron Paul?
Herman Cain: I just don’t have a good description for Ron Paul, because he’s just not an ice cream flavor.
What, crusty old balls isn’t a flavor?
Chris Heath: Completely different subject. I’m interested in this Donna Summer song that you quoted in the debates and you quoted in your book.
[In an August debate, in his closing statement, Cain quoted a favorite lyric sung by Donna Summer in “The Power of One,” though he described her only as a “poet.”—CH]
Herman Cain: I heard the song in a collage that NBC put together following the 2000 Olympics. And as it turns out, the song comes from the Pokémon movie, and I didn’t know that.
(I always thought that was secret code for banging David Bowie’s wife Iman!)
Chris Heath: It’s the theme of the movie.
Herman Cain: That’s what I’ve been told. And so I fell in love with this song, fell in love with how she sang the song, and fell in love with the words. Committed it to memory. Now, why did I commit it to memory? Because one of the things that I did before I ran for president is I was a professional speaker. Not a motivational speaker—an inspirational speaker. Motivation comes from within. You have to be inspired. That’s what I do. I inspire people, I inspire the public, I inspire my staff. I inspired the organizations I took over to want to succeed. I love the song: [almost singing] Life can be a challenge / Life can seem impossible / It’s never easy, when there is so much on the line / But you can make a difference. [laughs]
Chris Heath: Are you a big Donna Summer fan?
Herman Cain: Yes.
Chris Heath: What are other songs of hers that you love?
Herman Cain: [long pause] Didn’t she do “Work Hard for Your Money”?
Chris Heath: Yes. [A Freudian-Republican inaccuracy on his part; he means “She Works Hard for the Money.”—CH]
Herman Cain: That’s one of my favorite ones.
Herman Cain likes a woman who knows how to work hard for her money, if you know what I mean. Wink wink.
Devin Gordon: What did you think about the fuss around your comments about Muslims. [Cain said in March that, if elected, he wouldn’t feel “comfortable” appointing a Muslim to his cabinet] Did you think that you were treated fairly in that conversation?
Herman Cain: No, because a lot of people misrepresented what I said. I know that there are peaceful Muslims, and there are extremists. I have nothing against peaceful Muslims. Nothing whatsoever. But I also know that we must be careful of extremists and we must be careful of the tendency by some groups in this country to infuse their beliefs into our laws and our culture.
Devin Gordon: Do you think that there is a greater tendency among the Muslim faith for that kind of extremism?
Herman Cain: That would be a judgment call that I’m probably not qualified to make, because I can’t speak on behalf of the entire Muslim community.
Oh fuck it, he’s never let that stop him before!
Herman Cain: I have talked with Muslims that are peaceful Muslims. And I have had one very well known Muslim voice say to me directly that a majority of Muslims share the extremist views…I can’t tell you his name, but he is a very prominent voice in the Muslim community, and he said that.
Chris Heath: I just find that hard to believe.
Herman Cain: I find it hard to believe.
Chris Heath: But you’re believing it?
Herman Cain: Yes, because of the respect that I have for this individual. Because when he told me this, he said he wouldn’t want to be quoted or identified as having said that.
(And also because he’s the same man who believes an electrified fence surrounded by an alligator-infested moat is a reasonable immigration policy).
Thank heavens Herman Cain is very close with the voice of the American Muslim, and he is finally able to use this anonymous unverified source to reach a broad, sweeping generalization about an entire group of people. Because we all know how much Herman Cain loooooves anonymous, unnamed sources making serious allegations!
Chris Heath: You’ve said that you find it hard to be politically correct. Why do you find it hard?
Herman Cain: When you learn how to be politically correct, you sound like all of the other politicians.
(In that you actually make sense?)
Herman Cain: People like my directness and my bluntness. What happens when you become so worried about being politically correct, you find yourself not saying anything. Because you’re trying to offend the least number of people. I’m trying to attract the greatest number of people. Different strategy.
Ummm, ok, so how does that work exactly? He says whatever his red meat-engorged heart desires and doesn’t give a hoot if people get mad or who he offends because that will make, umm, more people like him??
Ow, my ladybrain hurts.
Chris Heath: Are you at all worried that you could say something that could derail everything?
Herman Cain: Uh, no. I could, but not worried about it. And if I did, so be it.
(“Que Sera, Sera, Whatever Will Be, Will Be…”)
Devin Gordon: So what’s the final score card here? Which pizza was your favorite?
Herman Cain: The man pizza! The manly pizza! That was great. It was loaded; it had the great sausage on it. It had the mushrooms on it.
(But really it was the sausage.)
[Everybody rises to leave.]
Herman Cain: Hey, guys, I’ve enjoyed it. But it’s been stressful. [laughs] That probably wasn’t politically correct, was it?
Devin Gordon: Compared to Meet the Press?
Herman Cain: That was stressful!
Devin Gordon: We at least gave you pizza.
Herman Cain: Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.
But you Herman Cain gave us much much more. All the manly sausage we ladyfolk could stomach. Oh, and whatever “meat” topping was on the pizza was pretty good too.
Guess you could say it was an offer we couldn’t refuse.
Or at least if we wanted to keep our job, that is.
[image via Lisa F. Young/Shutterstock]