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GOP Senate Hopeful Todd Akin's So Busy Learning About "Legitimate" Vs. "Illegitimate" Rape, He Forgot To Learn To Be A Legitimate Candidate

Missouri Congressman, GOP Senate candidate, and living proof of the theory of devolution, Todd Akin knows a few things about the female anatomy, particularly when it comes to the magical powers of women’s reproductive systems, which if you didn’t know, are able to transform into vaginal panic rooms in case of emergencies, like rape.

Because while you may not know the difference between “legitimate” and “illegitimate” rape, Todd Akin and your uterus do. In the case of “legitimate” rape (think white woman/black perp), your omniscient uterus will shut down, trapping the evil rape-sperm and preventing it from reaching your pristine eggs.

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare,” Akin told KTVI-TV in an interview Sunday. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

By “that whole thing” he of course means “pregnancy” because a woman’s womb is much like a maximum security prison, one breach or unauthorized entry and BAM! sirens blare, exits seal, lights scour, dogs sic, rifles ready, and the whole apparatus goes on lockdown.

But if “legitimate” rape causes lady parts to snap like Venus Fly Traps, what about the approximately 32,000 women who become pregnant each year from rape?

Simple science! Clearly, they were the victims of “illegitimate” rape, meaning the dumb slut was practically begging for it, and has no one to blame but her own loosey-goosey self for her misjudgment, as well as the blessed miracle of forced penetration God will now bestow upon her.

Akin believes that even in the worst-case scenario — when the supposed natural protections against unwanted pregnancy fail — abortion should still not be a legal option for the rape victim.

“Let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work, or something,” Akin said. “I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”

That doesn’t happen until after the child’s born. C’mon, the man’s a Republican, not a monster, or something!

For some bizarre reason, Republicans are trying to distance themselves from Akin’s forcible, illegitimate assault upon logic, reality, and women everywhere, with some even calling on him to withdraw from the race altogether. Only problem is Republicans don’t know how to pull out. It’s against their religion!

Oh wait, I just remembered the magical powers of America’s collective lady parts.  Next time Todd Akin is raping America’s sensibilities with whatever horrifyingly dumb, offensive words are coming out of his mouth, our vaginas will simply spring into sperm-rejecting action.

You know, “shut that whole thing down.”  Welcome to Pussy Riot, American style!

[image via AP]

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