Don’t be frightened America. Fox News’ golden-haired patriot Glenn Beck and Teddy Ruxpin’s evil twin, former CIA agent Michael Scheuer know what needs to be done to save the mighty Red, White, and Blue from certain doom thanks to Comrade Barry and the rest of the Democratic pussies currently in charge of ruining the country.
Osama bin Laden must “deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States” if this country ever hopes to return to its pre-Obama glory days when the U.S. of A was number one and everyone else could basically just go suck it. Because if there’s anything Glenn Beck and his special friend Michael Scheuer understand, it is that uppity politicians like Obama only care about staying in office, praise from the media, and what the god-forsaken Europeans think about them.
Which is why America’s only hope is a catastrophic attack courtesy of Osama that will “force Americans to demand that their government protect them effectively, consistently, and with as much violence as necessary.”
Come to think of it, why not just shock and awe this immigrant-ridden wasteland ourselves and save Mr. bin Laden the effort? Communicating from caves can be soooooo annoying these days!
You are so funny. You should write for The Onion. Writing about the most outlandish conservative ideas is the best way to expose their twisted logic. It reminds me a bit of what Colvert Report does, but he is not as funny anymore.