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Glenn Beck Cannot Possibly Die, Because Death Is For Mere Mortals, Not Blind Prophets On The Sacred Path To Involuntary Commitment

Holy Mental Mormons! Blond haired angel of truth and possibly soon-to-be blind prophet Glenn Beck took to his favoritest radio show, his own, to reveal some very startling news: the divine messenger himself, Glenn Lee Beck, may be dying! OMG!

Err, at least we think so, as Glenn Beck is being very cryptic about the whole thing, so it is very hard to understand exactly what the hell he’s talking about. Especially without the aid of chalkboard, and any semblance of a rational brain.

So anyway, Glenn got all weepy and teary-eyed (and not the Vick’s VapoRub kind of teary) on his radio show, which usually is a once-every-ten-minute-occurrence, but this time he seemed even more down than usual, and resigned to the fact that he might (or might not) be totally dying, likely sooner than later.

Oh wait, whoops, not actually dying, we must have misunderstood the man.

“What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because everyone knows Mormon messengers of the Lord don’t die, they simply morph into some super human/animal hybrid, typically a heartier, stronger vessel, to continue spreading their divine grace here on Earth.

‘I don’t necessarily mean physical, but mentally I think this is going to be a spiritual journey. It is going to be a physical journey. It is going to be a mental journey.”

Oh sweet Shutter Island! Has Glenn Beck finally realized what the doctors have been telling him all along?? That he is physically fine, but mentally insane??

But what about the “tingling sensation and problems with feeling in his hands and feet?”

Glenn naturally realizes these are probably just “spiritual wounds” (Stigmata?) since it is a known fact that almost everyone in the world is constantly trying to sneak in and steal li’l bits of his beautiful, pure white soul every night under the cover of darkness. So that makes total sense!

But then one of the so-called “doctors” said something about how “we have to do all of these blood tests because we have to look for toxins and poisons, and that word stuck out to me. And it’s not poison like you know, it’s like lead paint. And I’m like, no, I haven’t been eating lead chips. And that word stuck out to me.”

Ya know because, he’s always adored chips. Any kind really. Paint, Lead, BBQ, but especially sour cream ‘n onion. That’s his all-time favorite! Oh wait, he means that other word, poison. Ooops, honest mistake!

“The last 24 hours as I’ve been thinking about the doctors saying we’re looking for toxins, we’re looking for poisons in your body, I know what they are.” (Socialist free radicals??)

“For four years I have tried to understand the mind of what I believe are monsters….And for four years I have been trying to understand the minds of people that I think are so misled, and they are the exact opposite of what I have tried to be, what I want to be, what I strive for.”

Involuntary commitment at Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital?

“I believe we can be better people. I believe in the American experiment. But I also believe there are very misguided people, and I have been drinking that poison, which others may not find poison, but I do because it is exact opposite of me. And I have been ‘That which you gaze upon, you become.'”

Holy Polygamy! Beck’s been poisoned by the slow drip of sanity secretly being injected into him by watching Jon Stewart & Rachel Maddow? Or does he mean drinking the poison that comes with having to look and listen to Papa Bear Bill O’ Reilly, Sean Hannity and whatever blond Hooters waitress currently anchoring Fox News, grunt all day and utter nonsense about Hitler NObama’s roving death panels coming to kill li’l Trigger, Granny, and the entire Teabag nation?

The world may never know!

What we do know is Archangel Glenn will be taking several days off next week to “undergo tests at a hospital out west,” which may or may not be the Betty Ford Clinic’s psychiatric unit. Or maybe even the River Styx flowing along the boundary between Earth and Hades.

Glenn talked at length about how the bond with his radio audience has been built on a foundation of disclosure (and Goldline coins!) and that he felt it was important for him to share as much information as he could, “So that you will understand my mindset.”

It also helps if you down a tall, frosty glass of paint thinner, dress up like your favorite founding father, put yourself in a straight jacket, lock yourself in a small, whitewashed room with padded walls, look out the Overton Window, and speak in tongues about how the Virgin Mary and liberals are conspiring together to murder the holy li’l Jesus Christ fetus growing inside you, and implant the demon seed of Lucifer in your womb instead, in some sick, twisted satanic plot to help Obama win in 2012, Democrats retain both Houses of Congress, and slowly destroy the world from within.

Starting of course with the decaying mind of a one-time fallen-drunkard-turned-pudgy-born-again-Mormon Messenger-of-God (Brigham Young?) & Goldline International, whose path to Deification is paved with worthless Gold (plated) coins, faux tears, toxic chalkboard fumes, and a few too many deep fried paint chips.

Get well soon, you patriotic maniac! And remember, go into the light, Glenn! Go into the light!

For the Power of Prophet Profit compels you!

Besides, no one likes a tease, Glenny!

1 comment to Glenn Beck Cannot Possibly Die, Because Death Is For Mere Mortals, Not Blind Prophets On The Sacred Path To Involuntary Commitment

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