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Fun Facts: Special Diva, Downer, Dachshund, & Diddley Edition

World famous quitter Sarah Palin may not need hoity-toity teleprompters when delivering one of her $100,000 “reading off-the-hand” things to elitist students at Cal State University, instead demanding all the usual perks you’d expect from the one-time mayor of a snow-covered meth lab, turned half-term governor, turned professional Facebooker, teevee star and full-time diva.

Thanks to the arugula-eating college kids who dug through the trash to find her half-shredded contract, we now know Sarah is just like the rest of us hardworking schlubs who insist upon first class when forced to fly commercial and rub elbows with the gross public. Ugh.

But if little Miss Tiddlywinks is spared slumming with the rest of the gross, Real Americans on an actual 727, “the private aircraft MUST BE a Lear 60 or larger.” In addition, her highness must be provided with a suite, plus two rooms at the best hotel, and bendy straws in her water bottles.

And you just wait and see what happens if her straws aren’t flexible, God damn it!

This of course does not include Palin’s upwards of $100,000 speaking fees for the trouble of reading a semi-coherent list off the palm of her hand before taking questions from the extensively screened audience members whose questions are predetermined, lest sweet Sarah find herself in the uncomfortable situation of having to actually formulate an original thought ‘stead of readin’ generic fightin’ words about how America is the bestest, most beautifulest, freeest, most God lovingest, awesomest country in the whole wide world and that is why we must drill, baby drill until every last small business owner has health care for the economy of the Real America without evil socialist government taxes cause they’re mean and we hate ’em!

On the other hand, Alaska is awesome just like capitalism and Fox News and Tea Parties, and that is why we need to get that suspiciously Muslim Kenyan out of the White House and back to organizing dumb communities in Chicago (or was it China?) or wherever it is that hardworking people of color go to help better their impoverished communities because they hate America.

You know who doesn’t hate America? Joe Lieberman that’s who!

Sure, countless months and asinine teabagger rallies have passed, with nary a peep or even a Wah Wah about how the poors are ruining this or black people make him uncomfortable, or secret oil wars are good, from everyone’s favorite bundle of charm and delight, Joseph Isadore Lieberman.

We were beginning to wonder if everything was alright with Jewish Benedict Arnold since he hadn’t said or done anything dumb and terrible to piss people off or even try to ruin everything for everyone like he usually does so well.

But fear not my friends, because Connecticut’s biggest mistake since neighboring terrible gay Taxachussetts, is back to remind America why we despise this sniveling wisp of a man in the first place.

Like saying how Sarah Palin is “warm and likable,” and a “powerful force” who speaks for “a lot of people out there.”

“I think … Sarah Palin for a lot of people has become a spokesperson. People worried that government has forgotten them, that it has grown too big, that the deficit is growing too large, and in some sense that we’re not being as strong as we should be in the world—Governor Palin has spoken to those concerns as much as anyone.”

“I do disagree with her on some of the specifics that she has said, but I think anybody who underestimates Sarah Palin as a political force in America does so at some peril, because she is speaking for a lot of people out there.

Especially those who kan’t read good and/or have babies out of wedlock after a drunken night in the back of a pickup truck.

But that’s not all! You see Joe has never quite felt comfortable with these massive majorities for the party that nominated him for vice-president way back in 2000, the very party he caucuses with, and which grants him the numerous chairmanships and high ranking positions on valuable committees he covets so much.

And that is why Joe is so very thankful that the Great Pendulum of American Democracy will swing back towards the Republicans— America’s true party—come 2010 when the Grand Old Party retakes the House, Senate, and the nation back from brink of Socialist ruin at the hands of a radical black man from Kenya.

“There were a lot of people, particularly Democrats, who were declaring after the 2008 election that we were beginning a period of Democratic dominance that would go on for decades,” Lieberman said during an interview with the conservative Newsmax magazine. “Now, all of a sudden, the momentum is with the Republicans. And that’s—thank God—that’s the way people have spoken, you know? That’s our democracy.”

And thank God (the Republican God, not the liberal “Allah,” that is), that I, Joseph Lieberman, live in a Democracy where I can vote against this beautiful, heaven-sent tsunami of Republican momentum on things like evil ObamaCare (if it suits me) and still pray for this delicious GOP tidal wave to sweep me up in its frothy wake. Or if all else fails, just become an Independent because I, Joe Lieberman, don’t answer to anyone, except Sarah Palin, my wife Hadassah, and the many interest groups who put money in my very deep, always hungry pockets. For America!

No, senator, thank God for you! I mean how else would we, the dumb public, know what a real, live chameleon looks like when trying desperately to survive in the jungle of American politics? Survival of the fittest is alive and well my friends!

Speaking of the evolutionary LIE that is survival of the fittest, creationist and former morbidly obese governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee, does not believe that children are puppies. As such, these youngins (which are distinctively different than their canine counterparts), deserve to be with fellow carbon-based, sentient beings like humans, not terrible disgusting blights on humanity like gross gay people.

In the interview, good ol’ Huck explained why he supports the Arkansas law barring same-sex couples from adopting or becoming foster parents. “This is not about trying to create statements for people who want to change the basic fundamental definitions of family,” Huckabee said. “And always we should act in the best interest of the children, not in the seeming interest of the adults.”

“Children are not puppies,” he said. “This is not a time to see if we can experiment and find out, how does this work?”

Much better to just keep ’em in the pound orphanage where they feel comfortable (cold, hungry, and alone) than start ‘experimenting’ with two parents who love and care for them and want to provide them with an actual home and family and other such things that humans have no need for.

“You don’t go ahead and accommodate every behavioral pattern that is against the ideal. That would be like saying, well, there are a lot of people who like to use drugs, so let’s go ahead and accommodate those who want who use drugs. There are some people who believe in incest, so we should accommodate them. There are people who believe in polygamy, so we should accommodate them.”

Hell no, we don’t! That would also be like saying there are people out there who believe that humans and dinosaurs lived side by side, in perfect harmony, after God crafted Adam from silly putty, before springing Eve from his hearty rib in a moment of artistic expression, so we should accommodate them too. Ha ha imagine that!

Which is why the gays can feel free to adopt and sodomize as many puppies as they’d like but not babies because gays shouldn’t be allowed to own those things. Ever.

Speaking of li’l miracles of God, that dumb community organizer who can’t even see Russia from his porch and thus doesn’t even know what a nuclear weapon is, Barack Obama, managed to get 47 other countries to sign on to his terrible and dangerous, “Don’t Give Nukes To Terrorists Pact.” Ugh. Why does this guy love Osama bin Laden so much, and why couldn’t America have elected someone smart and responsible like Sarah Palin (or even Bristol!) as president of the world instead?

One wink and you betcha! the terrorists would know who’s boss.

When not working hard to ensure Virginia remains for straight lovers, not gay sinners, Gov. Bob McDonnell showed his support for all things Southern, by declaring April “Confederate History Month,” without even mentioning that little historical hiccup known as slavery.

Ooops. Of course, after Virginians criticized the governor for his innocent omission of the fact that white people owned black people as property, McDonnell quickly apologized for his insensitivity and added language to the decree calling slavery “evil and inhumane.”

This makes one fellow GOP Governor of Mississippi, proud former slaveowner and defender against Northern Aggression, Haley Barbour, very upset.

He simply doesn’t understand all the brouhaha over something as insignificant as the forced enslavement of an entire people in order to keep cotton costs low. Hello?? Ever heard of savvy business maneuvers? Is this not America, the land of opportunity?

“To me, it’s a sort of feeling that it’s a nit, that it is not significant, that it’s not a — it’s trying to make a big deal out of something that doesn’t matter for diddly,” Barbour told CNN.

Well, maybe for Bo Diddley, but 3/5ths doesn’t count much anyway.

In that case, guess Sasha and Malia will have to come up with a more suitable namesake for First Dog “Bo” than the original R&B rock ‘n roller. Something to really catch the white power essence of America’s heroic struggle against Northern Aggression. How does Barbourian sound?

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