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Florida Republican Lt. Gov. Jennifer Carroll Couldn't Possibly Be A Lesbian Because She's Not Ugly, Single, Or Dressed In Cargo Pants & Flannel

It’s getting steamy in the Sunshine state—and it’s not just the rising mercury levels getting the good citizens all hot ‘n bothered.

No ma’am! (Or, in this case, more like wham bam thank you ma’am!).

Because the only thing sexier than a closeted Republican getting caught with his pants down is a closeted Republican getting caught with her skirt up.

Just ask Florida Lieutenant Governor and Christian conservative Jennifer Carroll, who was either re-creating her favorite scene from a classic late-night Cinemax circa 1993, or simply engaging in her own, hands-on, undercover investigation into the terrible scourge of homosinuality, when she was caught in “a compromising position” (aka lesbionic things) in her office with a travel aide who also had FEMALE LADYPARTS. Giggle, giggle, giggle, wink, wink!

That or former employee Carletha Cole is lying about witnessing Carroll’s secret sappho sexytime, because everyone knows lesbians are gross, ugly spinsters not sexy, stylish black women married to the same MAN for, umm, wait, how long has it been?

CARROLL: The problem is that when you have these accusations that come out, it’s not just one person you’re attacking. It’s an entire family. My husband doesn’t want to hear that. He knows the type of woman I am. I mean, my kids know the type of woman I am. For twenty-nine years – I’m the one that’s married for twenty-nine years. The accuser is the one that’s been single for a long time. So usually black women that look like me don’t engage in relationships like that.

Or at least they don’t get caught.

Seriously, just ask Oprah. Or Gail King, or Queen Latifah, and/or every other “strongly rumored” black lesbian who isn’t named Wanda Sykes or in the WNBA.

Besides, if the whole “I’m married” alibi is good enough for John Travolta and Marcus Bachmann, it’s good enough for Jennifer Carroll!

But the most compelling proof that Jennifer Carroll couldn’t possibly be a gross, secret, scissor-banging, lady-lovin’ lesbo caught in a “compromising position” isn’t because she’s pretty, black, or even married to a man.

She’s a Republican. Compromising isn’t in her vocabulary.

If It Walks Like A Dyke, Talks Like A Dyke…

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