Surely, such [...]]]>

Nevermind the millions of struggling Americans whose lives depend on the health care bill passing, the best part of this bill–and there are SO MANY good parts to choose from–is all the casual talk of violence and chaos that will be incited by confused, not-so-bright teabaggers all all across the mighty U.S. of A.

Surely, such wild-eyed fear and widespread panic couldn’t be a result of the Republican National Committee’s strategy of lies, deception, and crazed cartoons alone!

But from what shining well of wisdom could these apocalyptic visions of doom and destruction be coming from?

Usually, when looking for members of Congress who are likely to make unhinged, borderline-disturbed remarks, we tend to rely on old standbys like Reps. Steve King (R-Iowa) and Michele Bachmann to get the poor masses all fired up about whatever terrifying element is threatening their precious liberty now.

But then like a bolt of lightening in the night sky, out storms Rep. Paul Broun (he’s too classy to spell Brown the normal way) to remind the good people of America, that when it comes to Conservative Crazies in Congress, those blue-eyed darlings Steve King and his lovely Queen Michelle ain’t got nothin’ on this deliciously deranged Georgian peach.

Well, Rep. Broun is very nervous–panicked in fact, over the dark, chocolate-colored menace threatening to wreak Socialist havoc all across hardworking WHITE America. You know of what he speaks. For it has happened before!

“The War of Yankee Aggression,” or the Civil War, as its known to normal, 21st century people who don’t hate black people, coming this time in the form of a health care system that actually helps people live, not insurance executives live the high life. Oh, the horror!

Thankfully, the same brilliant soothsayer who warned of the second coming of Hitler in the form of a lanky, smooth-talkin’ charmer with a sweet jumpshot, is on the House floor to foretell of the hellish nightmare to be if evil health reform passes. Gasp!

“If ObamaCare passes, that free insurance card that’s in people’s pockets is gonna be as worthless as a Confederate dollar after the War Between The States — the Great War of Yankee Aggression.”

Which is almost as worthless as an American dollar after the War Between Good and Evil–the great War of Dick and Bush!

Ah yes, in the unstable, deluded mind of Mr. Broun, not only is the terrible North responsible for not one, but two civil wars (thanks to that notorious Northern Aggression), but everyone carries a “free insurance card,” right next to their “get out of jail free” and “do not pass go” cards. Naturally.

Except for Grandma, who shovel ready or not (sorry, Michelle Bachmann), is going six-feet under, no ifs, ands, or buts about it! And same goes for that li’l Trigger fellow whose only “special need” once evil ObamaCare passes is to be tossed in a shallow grave next to Granny, as quickly, cheaply, and effortlessly as possible.

Think of it as the Republicans’ election strategy: goners, either way.

Of course, it is worth noting that if by some miracle of God (or Satan), combined with a hearty dose of Democratic incompetence, the Republicans reclaim the House majority next year, Sir Paul Broun and his stunning intellectual prowess will be the Chairman of the House Science Committee’s panel on investigations and oversight. Yay!!

Which means the South finally thwarts the evil Union’s unwanted advances, humans evolved from Adam’s rib, not disgusting apes in the Congo, the Sun once again revolves around the Earth, and America assumes its rightful place as the bestest, freest, most perfect country in the whole wide world, just like God intended.

Let freedom ring?

With the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) dropping the ATOMIC BOMB that the DEMONcrats’ evil health care reform bill will reduce the deficit by $130 billion over the next ten years ($1.2 trillion over 20 years), and extend coverage to 32 million currently uninsured Americans, the dominoes [...]]]>

Rep. Steve King Doin’ God’s Work Per Usual

With the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) dropping the ATOMIC BOMB that the DEMONcrats’ evil health care reform bill will reduce the deficit by $130 billion over the next ten years ($1.2 trillion over 20 years), and extend coverage to 32 million currently uninsured Americans, the dominoes are finally falling into place for Congressional Dems to move ahead and actually vote on this terrible holocaust of the poor, hardworking insurance industry this coming Sunday. Heavens forbid!

Which naturally means the dominoes on the other side of the aisle–who were already hanging by the slightest of threads–are finally falling apart.

Well, blue-eyed angels of mercy Glenn “I am Sam” Beck and Iowa Rep. Steve “Bachmann Wants On This” King, are not about to sit back and have mental breakdowns all by themselves, in the privacy of their own large, spacious homes, where no one can hear their pained cries of liberty lost. No sir-ee!

They’re taking their instability straight to the people, expressing their dual outrage in sweet, collective harmony on Glenn Beck’s radio show over the terrible news that the House might vote on health care reform this Sunday, the holiest of holy days!

The day the good Lord intended us to rest, not cast unholy votes on Satanic legislation to help dumb poor people not die, while rich fat cat insurance execs can get that sumptuous leopard fur coat with the alligator-skin lining they’ve been eying for years. Positively drooling over!

Rep. Steve King, for one, will not stand for such sacrilege, and is naturally taking his crusade to the airwaves.

“They intend to vote on the Sabbath, during Lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God…”

Oh, you didn’t know? Like most GOPers, Steve King has a personal relationship with Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.

“Faith has been perverted,” Beck responded, then repeated. “They are going to vote for this damn thing on a Sunday, which is the Sabbath, during Lent.”

Of course they would, the heretic bastards! Putting people’s lives before the Sabbath, it’s just sick. Waaaaaaaaay sicker than the millions of people in desperate need of the kind of Nazi coverage this Judas bill would provide.

“Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity, that is a — this is an affront to God,” Beck said.

Though Beck conceded that he didn’t believe the Sunday vote was consciously chosen as a plot against God, he did find the timing highly suspicious. Though, that does tend to happen when you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.

“I think it’s absolutely appropriate that these people are trying to put the nail in the coffin on our country on a Sunday–something our founders would have never, ever, ever done. Out of respect for God.”

Never, neverr, nevvverrrr, nerrrrverrr, nerrrrrverrrrrr!!!!

Except for that one little time the Republican-controlled Senate convened on Palm Sunday (gasp!) in 2005 to save the only other life that matters to Republicans, besides a developing fetus: brain-dead women in permanent vegetative states, relying on the grace of God in the form of feeding tubes named Terri Schiavo.

Of course, that’s totally different since everyone knows when Republicans do something, it is because God wills it, but when Democrats do the very same thing, it is because they are evil Nazis trying to destroy White, Christian America by turning it into a hedonist cesspool of sodomy and sin.

Kind of like when Glenn Beck told listeners last week to “run as fast as you can” from any church that preached “social or economic justice” because those were code words for Communism and Nazism, he really meant for them to flee on those other non-important days of the week, since God could care less about the the rest of the unconsecrated Monday-Friday week.

Sunday, on the other hand, is sacred, never to be soiled by Democratic infidels! I mean, when else can the Creator of Heaven and Earth throw back some brewskies while chillin’ in his La-Z-Boy, catchin’ some March Madness and not care who sees the Doritos crumbs all over his crisp white tunic?

On a depraved Monday?? Blasphemy!

After playing a starring role in aborting the Democrats’ health care bill over federal funding of the societal cancer [...]]]>
Democratic hell Representative and fearless defender of unborn fetuses in fertile wombs across America, Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) is suddenly feeling even smaller than the li’l bundles of prenatal joy he tries his very hardest to protect.

After playing a starring role in aborting the Democrats’ health care bill over federal funding of the societal cancer known as a woman’s right to choose, Bart Stupak of Michigan is feeling a wee bit “left out” now that his fellow DEMONcrats have decided to forge ahead without his enlightened views relating to the ovary-filled, emotional descendants of Eve.

“They’re ignoring me,” Stupak told National Review Online while sitting alone and depressed in a corner. “That’s their strategy now. The House Democratic leaders think they have the votes to pass the Senate’s health-care bill without us. At this point, there is no doubt that they’ve been able to peel off one or two of my twelve. And even if they don’t have the votes, it’s been made clear to us that they won’t insert our language on the abortion issue.”

And by “us” Bart Stupak of course is referring to the lovable “Stupak dozen,” the twelve anti-abortion Democrats in the House, some of whom are now abandoning the sinking Republican ship of “no,” to hop aboard the good ship Democrat and vote “yes” instead. Good-for-nothin’ traitors!

Luckily, Stupendous Mr. Stupak is not budging. No sir-ee! Not one single dilated inch.

While Nazi Pelosi and other Democrats like that Bully Barry may have been successful in convincing “one or two” of his dirty dozen to vote for the sinful bill, Stupak insists, “I am a definite ‘no’ vote. I didn’t cave. The others are having both of their arms twisted and we’re all getting pounded by our traditional Democratic supporters, like unions.”

Ummm, word of advice, Bart. Try to avoid using the word pounding unless your name is Emeril Lagasse or you don’t mind sounding like a total gaylord.

But either way, Stupak and Co.’s hijacking of the health bill has hit somewhat of a snag in recent days, with House Democrats unwilling to kill the bill over Stupak’s 12-man right-to-life wrecking crew.

“I really believe that the Democratic leadership is simply unwilling to change its stance,” he said.

“Their position says that women, especially those without means available, should have their abortions covered,” adding that their arguments “are a pretty sad commentary on the state of the Democratic party.”

Really makes you miss the good old days when all you needed was an abandoned ally, a rusty hanger, and viola! no more unwanted buns in the oven to worry about.

But Stupak is very worried because if ObamaCare passes and Americans actually get the chance to not negligently die so that insurance companies can buy diamond-encrusted toilets of gold, Stupid Stupak thinks it could signal the end of any meaningful role for pro-life Democrats within their own party.

Hahahahaha, as if they were ever the slightest bit meaningful!

That’s almost as ridiculous as those Log Cabin idiots in the GOP who think that aligning themselves with the Party that equates their sexual preferences with those who enjoy the four-legged barnyard kind of love, makes them any less abominable or any more deserving of actual human rights.

“It would be very, very hard for someone who is a right-to-life Democrat to run for office,” he said.

“I won’t leave the party. I’m more comfortable here and still believe in a role within it for the right-to-life cause, but this bill will make being a pro-life Democrat much more difficult. They don’t even want to debate this issue. We’ll probably have to wait until the Republicans take back the majority to fix this.”

Now, that’s the pathetic, broken-down, Stockholm Syndrome Democrat, who just can’t wait one more second for their Republican S&M masters to dominate and abuse them, that we’ve been waiting for!

“Throughout this debate, even when the House leaders have acknowledged us, it’s always been in a backhanded way,” he said. “I’m telling the others to hold firm, and we’ll meet next week, but I’m disappointed in my colleagues who said they’d be with us and now they’re not. It’s almost like some right-to-life members don’t want to be bothered. They just want this over.”

Ha ha, if you thought 9 months was a long time, try dealing with Stupak for over a year.

“This has really reached an unhealthy stage,” Stupak complained. “People are threatening ethic complaints on me. On the left, they’re really stepping it up. Every day, from Rachel Maddow to the Daily Kos, it keeps coming. Does it bother me? Sure. Does it change my position? No.”

He might not have a vagina or uterus in the traditional sense, but that doesn’t stop him from assuming he understands everything that comes along with having female reproductive parts. Or thinking those who do should have sovereignty over their anatomy.

“…Money is their hang-up. Is this how we now value life in America? If money is the issue — come on, we can find room in the budget. This is life we’re talking about.”

Which, by GOP standards, starts precisely at the moment of conception and ends the very second the little rascal slips out of mama’s belly, and takes its first, glorious oxygen-rich breath of life.

Then screw ‘em, the little bugger’s on its own!

And not just cause ol’ blue eyes misses his favoritest mentor and surrogate pop George W. Bush, who handpicked him of all the lawyers in the land to become the new, non-ancient, unqualified, straight-shootin’ son of a right-wing gun [...]]]>
Supreme Court Chief Justice Jagoff, John Roberts and his famously understated, chic, side-sweep hairdo are very upset!

And not just cause ol’ blue eyes misses his favoritest mentor and surrogate pop George W. Bush, who handpicked him of all the lawyers in the land to become the new, non-ancient, unqualified, straight-shootin’ son of a right-wing gun the administration needed to fill the big, spit-shined shoes left by William Rehnquist upon his passage to the sweet kingdom in the clouds. Not even!

But because of that terrible meany Barack Obama, who unlike Georgy pants, never wants to have fun or play in the sandbox with Scalia out back, or do anything cool like they used to when Bush was still roaming the Oval Office, looking for someone to arm wrestle besides Laura and Miss Beazley. He’s already beat Laura like a million times, and paws don’t really count as arms!

It all started when President Obama, in a break from tradition, called out the stoic black robes in the front row for their recent Citizens United ruling that allows corporations and unions to freely spend money to run political ads for or against specific candidates during his annual State of the Union Address.

“With all due deference to the separation of powers the Supreme Court reversed a century of law to open the floodgates for special interests — including foreign corporations — to spend without limit in our elections,” Obama said.

“Well I don’t think American elections should be bankrolled by America’s most powerful interests, or worse, by foreign entities. They should be decided by the American people, and that’s why I’d urge Democrats and Republicans to pass a bill that corrects some of these problems.”

How dare the leader of the free world suggest Congress use our constitutional system of checks and balances to attempt to put together a legislative fix to rectify the Supreme Court’s reckless decision to give Pringles, Coca Cola, Exxon Mobil, Doritos, and Mr. Clean more political sway than any poor schlub with a voting card but no corporate one??

Naturally, Chief Justice John WAHberts is crying foul over President NObama’s horrifying decision to single out the recent Supreme Court decision to reverse a century of legal precedent, allowing companies and other special interests to spend as much as their greedy little corporate-branded hearts desire in our elections.

Apparently, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Obama doesn’t think it is such a good idea to let Uncle Ben (of rice fame) be able to spend the same amount as Ben’s Uncle (of repairman fame) in deciding who gets to be the next U.S. president. Party-pooper!

Of course, Captain of the High Court, Dread Justice Roberts believes anyone is welcome to criticize the court, and some even have an obligation to do so because of their positions. Just not the President, and not during highly publicized events like State of the Union Addresses when people might actually see the President belittle the good justices of the court, holding all nine accountable for their decisions affecting every citizen in the country.

“So I have no problems with that,” Roberts said in response to a University of Alabama law student’s question.

“On the other hand, there is the issue of the setting, the circumstances and the decorum. The image of having the members of one branch of government standing up, literally surrounding the Supreme Court, cheering and hollering while the court – according the requirements of protocol – has to sit there expressionless, I think is very troubling.”

Except for that one robot-in-Justice-clothes, Samuel Alito, who protocol be damned, just couldn’t control his petty human urges to protest being chastised by the president on prime-time teevee, and resorted to a Joe Wilson-like temper tantrum, complete with furious head-shaking and silent shouts of the words “not true, not true” in the hopes that someone would see the humanity obscured by layers of tight terrycloth and a deep disdain for the rest of the dopey public not bright enough to snag a coveted spot on the bench.

Indeed, John Roberts is shocked (shocked!) over how much the State of the Union address has “degenerated to a political pep rally.” Which everyone knows is only permissible when it is Republicans doing the pepping.

In fact, Roberts doesn’t even understand why the Supreme Court Justices have to attend these long, boring State of the Union speeches at all.

“I’m not sure why we’re there,” he said.

Of course, he could always go the Justice Antonin Scalia route and refuse to attend such things because the justices “sit there like bumps on a log” while all the attention is hogged by Mr. Hot Shot President.

And also because Scalia a total dick, second only to that other former vice presidential Dick. And as such, can’t stand being around actual humans, ‘cept that one beautiful reflection he sees in mirrors and windows.

Well, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs isn’t about to sit back and let some mannequins dressed in legal drag say what is troubling and what is not.

“What is troubling is that this decision opened the floodgates for corporations and special interests to pour money into elections – drowning out the voices of average Americans,” Gibbs said. “The President has long been committed to reducing the undue influence of special interests and their lobbyists over government. That is why he spoke out to condemn the decision and is working with Congress on a legislative response.”

Whatever.

Turns out, New York’s own Eric Massa is a totally normal, red-blooded, fiercely heterosexual American man [...]]]>

Turns out, New York’s own Eric Massa is a totally normal, red-blooded, fiercely heterosexual American man having fun at a wedding, gettin’ George W. Bush level wasted from fifteen gin & tonics and—like any straight guy would—saying he wanted to bang a male staffer, and suddenly the uptight Democrats are trying to push the guy out of the House for being all gay and weird and possibly casting the deciding vote that would kill health care reform.

Luckily, the dedicated journalists and free speech activists over at Fox News have wised up to Democratic tricks like smearing their obviously homosexual fellow DEMONcrat and health care salt-in-the-wound Eric Massa as homosexual, after saying some massively gay thing to another male, making said male most uncomfortable.

Ooooh, this one has Pulitzer written all over it. Yay, Fox!

“I was with my wife. And in fact we had a great time. She got the stomach flu,” he said.

Massa said he had just gotten up to sing “Auld Lang Syne” (some weird Scottish tune) and had finished dancing with the bride and bridesmaid — in full view of cameras — when he sat back down at a table with male staff members. That’s when he made the “inappropriate” remark.

“One of them looked at me and, as they would do after, I don’t know, 15 gin and tonics, and goodness only knows how many bottles of champagne, a staff member made an intonation to me that maybe I should be chasing after the bridesmaid, and his points were clear and his words were far more colorful than that.

“And I grabbed the staff member sitting next to me and said, ‘Well, what I really ought to be doing is fracking you,’” he said.

“And then [I] tousled the guy’s hair and left, went to my room, because I knew the party was getting to a point where it wasn’t right for me to be there. Now was that inappropriate of me? Absolutely. Am I guilty? Yes.”

OMG, can you believe these terrible Democrats and their McCarthy witch hunt? I mean what totally, 100% straight male doesn’t throw back a few brewskies and immediately start grabbing the nearest hot piece of man tail available?

It is like the Dems were looking for something, anything, to get rid of the salty sailor who loves dick (not Cheney) but hates any reform that is less than a full-scale government takeover of health care.

And all it took was one “salty” drunken comment for the Democratic “forces that be” to “orchestrate a character assassination” to push dear Massa out of the House of Representatives and prevent him from shattering the hopes of affordable, quality health care for those schlubs without the luxury of having the prefixes Sen. or Rep. attached to their name.

“Mine is now the deciding vote on the health care bill and this administration and this House leadership have said, quote-unquote, they will stop at nothing to pass this health care bill, and now they’ve gotten rid of me and it will pass. You connect the dots,” Massa said.

“The future of the Democratic Party rests on passing this health care bill. They can get anyone to say anything about me concerning anything at all and in fact they did.”

It’s not that hard when you’re a randy former seaman with a sharp tongue and a history of wholly inappropriate conduct especially when it involves crude slangs for “doin’ the nasty.”

But with all this Eric Massa news, and so many claims of naked penis sightings between him, Rahm Emanuel, Glenn Beck, a male staffer at a wedding and in the Congressional Showers, it’s hard to keep track of which ding-a-ling belongs to which strapping, male owner.

Luckily, there’s the innocent victim himself to tell us the real truth about this democratic “witch hunt” to oust him from power.

Of course, like all problems in society, the source of this evil plot against Rep. Massa comes from notorious pitbull and hater of retarded people, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel, the most terrible, evil, n’er do well since that good-for-nothin’ NObama stole the election and illegally claimed the White House.

“Rahm Emanuel is son of the devil’s spawn,” Massa said on his radio show. “He is an individual who would sell his mother to get a vote. He would strap his children to the front end of a steam locomotive.”

Oooooh, sounds sexy! Go on??

Rahm also had the nerve to visit New York’s 29th back when he was head of the DCCC to “inspect” this not-at-all-gay Navy monster and tell him to ease up with the whole raging, red-faced anger ball routine, saying, “I don’t want you on T.V. tonight to be angry. Just take it down a notch.”

“I’m … naked as a jay bird, and here comes Rahm Emanuel, not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn’t going to vote for the president’s budget,” Massa said. “Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?”

But, also how oddly arousing…

Of course, actual sex with a naked man is a whole other animal. Likely a prize-winning stallion with a very large package ego, known to most as Rahm Emanuel. But you can just call him Rahmbo!