Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Just Close Your Eyes and Pray They Go Away!

OMG, did you hear the news?? After nearly two decades of keeping them pesky gays in the closet (where they belong) with the brilliant “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, the Defense Department will finally begin the process of repealing the military’s 20-year ban on feathered boas, leather pants, freshly pressed clothes, good fashion sense, and any other brazenly obvious displays of sexuality that can in any way be construed as even slightly homosexual.

Of course, as with any issue as bone-chillingly frightening as granting gays and lesbians the right to die for their country while also being “all they can be” as a loud ‘n proud member of the United States Army, the process is expected to take several years.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, announced they will present an “implementation plan” to U.S. lawmakers next Tuesday, carefully drafting the best strategy for repealing the ban without hurting the delicate “morale or readiness” of the troops, whose cohesion may be hanging by a single sexually straight thread.

You see, Robert Gates has long voiced his concerns over lifting the ban too hastily, which has been proudly discriminating against gays and lesbians, since the early 1990s. Yay!

Now you don’t want to just rush in and uproot a terrible and embarrassing blight on equality in one fell swoop. There needs to be order, discipline, and a slow, steady pace when righting a decades-old wrong.

Let’s not forget that the 1948 executive order for racial integration in the military took five years to implement and that was just black people! Which is waaaaay less creepy and threatening than a gay in uniform. Just ask Robert Gates.

“I’m not saying that’s a model for this, but I’m saying that I believe this is something that needs to be done very, very carefully,” Gates said in a speech last year at the Army War College in Carlisle, Pennsylvania.

That way, people can slowly get used to the idea of diversity and acceptance, even if it means sharing a water fountain, classroom, bus, cubicle, or heavens forbid, a professional sports team, with ummm, shall we say, a person on the opposite side of the color spectrum.

Same goes for the more rainbowy hue, whose lives of sin and iniquity have to be LITERALLY SHOVED in the face of us normal, God-fearing folk trying to protect the country. By law!

But what kind of terrible ripple effect will allowing soldiers to be open about their total gayness have? Surely, all this truth and honesty will break such a delicate, fragile force, stretched thin by two fruitless (and let’s keep it that way??) wars and the loss of more than 10,500 service members for violating the DADT policy in the last ten years!

I mean, the entire military’s command structure relies on trust! What’s going to happen when suddenly soldiers, officers, and commanders stop lying and start being honest with each other about who they are and who they love?

Just imagine the chaos and confusion that will ensue when people are forced to actually tolerate each others’ differences instead of beating and hazing that one flaming faggot in their unit within inches of his life?

I, for one, do not want to be around for the day when a soldier is forced to room with someone who is openly gay and has the same reproductive organs. **Shudder!**

Or for the day when convicted felons, gang members, drug users, high-school dropouts, and those with “serious criminal misconduct” in their background are no longer welcome, and instead turned away, while gays and lesbians are free to romp through the barracks, having their wicked way with decent, hardworking men and women of the U.S. Armed Services, and destroying the very fabric of the great nation.

The strictly black and white, no shades of gray, sexually pure, one man plus one woman hetero fabric that makes this country the kind of fair and just leader of the free world, who openly discriminates against the scourge of homosexuality, it strives so hard to be.

Just like those other two bastions of freedom and equality, Russia and China.