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Dick Scoffs At His Aorta, Challenges His Heart To Attack Him Again

Lovable, white-haired cuddlebug Dick Cheney is doing fine and dandy, relaxing in a hospital after his most recent ‘chest pain’ scare. Of course, it being Dick Cheney and all, we should have known mild “chest pains” are really secret code for mild “heart attacks,” one of which he indeed did have on Monday, bringing his grand heart attack total to an impressive five.

Cheney’s robust, 69-year-old heart’s latest failure to contract effectively and properly circulate blood puts Dicky near the top of the all-time leader list, and in serious contention for a coveted place in the Vital Organ Malfunction Hall of Fame. Ummm, congratulations??

Of course, like any undisputed, heavyweight champion, Dick’s meteoric rise to the top of the cardiac arrest charts didn’t happen overnight. It’s taken unique talent (like flirting with his first attack at the spry age of 37), years of hard work, determination, unchecked rage, and countless heaping plates of Fettucini Alfredo, to get Dick to where he is today:

“Resting comfortably” in a hospital bed after suffering his heroic fifth heart attack, for America.

Ironically, America won’t be “resting comfortably” until his obituary is published, likely when Dick suffers his sixth and final heart attack on the inauguration of President Barack Obama’s second term.

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