Two-time vice-presidential dark lord of the underworld Dick Cheney may have finally used up his five death deferments. Tragic, but true!
Sadly, the beloved 69-year-old white-haired hero of Iraq/Waterboarding/Enron/Katrina, five-time heart attack survivor, and grandfather to all, Dick Cheney now has a “ventricular assist device” — or a dual-battery heart pump —implanted in his chest with motors and assorted parts churning the blood through his otherwise cold dead heart.
So now instead of just riding around on one, Dick’s got a freakin’ robot where an actual flesh & blood, pumping, bivalve chamber known as a heart is supposed to be.
Thing is, this one comes without a pulse. That’s right, you’re not hearing things. I said, Dick Cheney’s heart DOES NOT HAVE A PULSE, and yet the man(?) is stubbornly still alive.
It just doesn’t seem fair! Steve Irwin gets one stingray to the heart and instantaneously dies, while Cheney is on his fifth complete HEART FAILURE, gets some size D Energizers and a pump, and is on his merry way. Eh, sort of.
According to the New York Times:
Former Vice President Dick Cheney is recuperating from surgery to implant the kind of mechanical pump now being given to a small but growing number of people with heart failure so severe that they would most likely die within a few months without it.
The pumps are partial artificial hearts known as ventricular assist devices, and they come in various models. Mr. Cheney’s kind is about the size of a D battery and leaves most recipients without a pulse because it pushes blood continuously instead of mimicking the heart’s own pulsatile beat. Most such pulse-less patients feel nothing unusual. But they are urged to wear bracelets or other identifications to alert emergency room doctors as to why they have no pulse.
Since in Dick’s case, that probably wouldn’t be the first reason that comes to mind.
The limited success has proved wrong the many experts who said people could not live without a pulse. The thought was that since the heart had a beat, that beat was needed for blood pressure and circulation. But now doctors believe that continuous-flow devices, which can be smaller and last longer, may function well.
Oh, hahahahaha! Puhleeease! As if Dick Cheney needs silly “human” things like a pulse to continue “living.”
No, no, Dick Cheney’s blood just flows continually, like the River Styx. He doesn’t need your lowly “pumping” like some pathetic carbon-based pussy.
By supplementing the amount of blood pumped through the body, the devices allow many recipients to lead active lives from home. They can bicycle, golf, play tennis, drive cars, shop and generally do what they could before they developed severe heart failure.
Oh, goody! That means, (heart or no heart) Dick will still be able to do all his favoritest activities like torture Muslims (and small animals?), shoot his best friends in the face, and pretty much leave a trail of death of destruction wherever he and his non-beating heart venture.
Dick, we wish you well, we wish you a new heart..a heart that does not shoot your friend, a heart that really loves your daughter and gay people, a heart, that knows nothing about HALLIBURTON, a heart that does not know W, a heart that
is charitable, and cares only about needs of others..YOUR HEART will be the courtesy of someones lost life…and the US GOVERNMENT..We all wish for that no co pay, and cushy relationship with JOHN HOPKINS…maybe you will then have a heart and not be HEARTLESS..thanking the family for your heart, your second chapter of your life NEEDS A NEW HEART