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Dick Cheney Breaks Out His Olde English Dictionary To Bring Down NObama


Every so often, dark, powerful forces emerge from the dank Earth below to complete their obligation to the natural world. Sometimes it comes in the form of cicadas whose short but vital existence of procreation, death, and nourishment of the Earth is essential to sustaining the natural rhythm of life. Other times it comes in the form of Dick Cheney whose sneering decrepit being emerges from the shadows to unleash his wrath upon unsuspecting mortals. This time his fury is directed at a whippersnapper named Barry for not causing enough death and destruction anywhere, but certainly not in Afghanistan.

“Having announced his Afghanistan strategy last March, President Obama now seems afraid to make a decision, and unable to provide his commander on the ground with the troops he needs to complete his mission…It’s time for President Obama to make good on his promise. The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger.”

Since we don’t have an angry-old-man-to-English translator, we can only assume dithering is some senior citizen insult that went extinct some time during the Mesozoic Era.

“Make no mistake, signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries. Waffling while our troops on the ground face an emboldened enemy endangers them and hurts our cause.”

“Now they seem to be pulling back and blaming others for their failure to implement the strategy they embraced. It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity.”

Ha ha too bad NObama is too big a pussy to send thousands of American soldiers to die in the rugged mountains of Tora Bora without thinking long and hard about it. You’ll have to excuse Dick for not realizing America had a girly-girl in the White House instead of a strong man like Cheney or his two daughters(?) Liz and Mary.

I mean with all his helpful advice, you would think Dick had like 8 or so years to do something about that fun little war in Afghanistan, like actually winning (or making progress of any kind) instead of abandoning it to find all the oil WMDs in Iraq.

“You would think that our successors would be going to the intelligence community saying, ‘How did you do it? What were the keys to preventing another attack over that period of time?'”

“Instead, they’ve chosen a different path entirely – giving in to the angry left, slandering people who did a hard job well, and demagoguing an issue more serious than any other they’ll face in these four years. No one knows just where that path will lead, but I can promise you this: There will always be plenty of us willing to stand up for the policies and the people that have kept this country safe.”

Or at least when we’re not wheelchair bound after undergoing yet another life saving operation to unclog our arteries and scrape away the fatty deposits blocking our blood flow.

But either way, there will always be some patriot like Dick to torture suspects, massacre civilians, squander international respect, botch military operations and use old man words to yell at likable presidents for not following the sound advice of the previous administration whose idea of peace is the deafening silence of carnage and death after being leveled by a heat-seeking missile courtesy of the mighty red, white, and blue.

USA! USA! USA! The bestest, strongest, most awesomest country in the whole damn world. No, make that the universe.

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