OMG, IT”S HERE!
The day we’ve all been waiting for, if only to never have to hear the words Mitt Romney or bayonets or “binders full of women” ever again. But mostly Mitt Romney.
So, alas, America, who will it be??
Will Mitt Romney win the hearts and minds of America by convincing them he not only has a heart and mind (err most of the time) but also the strength and courage to accept their measly 4-year contract and pauper wages, without firing the whole dirty lot of ’em first?
Or will President Barack Hussein Obama prevail in his liberal socialist agenda to give ladies control over their hoohas, equal rights to all citizens, health care to sick, suffering children, and a functioning economy & still-spinning planet to generations to come.
The world may never know. Just kidding, Barack Obama is totally smoked Mittens, if you believe in liberal elitist mumbo jumbo like math and statistics.
Good thing the Republicans don’t. Which is why, as a last resort, they’ve instead turned to the timeless, scientifically sound strategy of “Help us, Jesus!” by launching their very own ’round-the-clock Romney MegaPrayerpalooza.
But what’s really important is that the wonderful(ly white) Mitt Romney supporters around the nation have taken their presidential loss in stride by asking themselves what their non-monetary Lord & Savior Jesus Christ would do if he were in their situation.
WWJD? Duh! He’d pray that pussy NOBAMA who wants to feed the poor, heal the sick, and stop the rising of the oceans the fuck out of office faster than Mary Magdalene can “shut that whole thing down” and concoct that whole immaculate conception angle instead.
C’mon, cut the guy some slack. Jesus may be able to cure the blind and raise the dead, but not even the son of God can perform the kind of miracle it would to take to actually elect Mitt Romney president.
And let us say Amen!
[images via TPM/Wonkette]