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Death Of A Salesman

Like most 101-year-olds, General Motors has been plagued by a number of health problems for the past, oh I don’t know, two decades or so.

You see much like people, time is not always kind to those centenarians among us, whether human or corporate. And GM is no exception. Crippling health care costs, deteriorating vision, fuzzy memory, failing organs, creeping Alzheimer’s, bullheaded stubbornness, and an absolute refusal to adapt to the times have spelled the end for the storied auto giant.

Like a gangrenous foot that’s cut-off after the poison’s already seeped through the bloodstream, former GM CEO Rick Wagoner’s unceremonious ousting wasn’t enough to beat the disease furiously ravaging through GM’s veins.

Once the largest car company in the world, GM’s declining health has forced the American taxpayer to become caregiver to this one-time robust and hearty emblem of American ingenuity. While most would like to stick the ailing automaker in a nursing home and scram, President Obama believes a little $30 billion open heart surgery should do the trick, minus the Pontiac, Hummer, Saab and Saturn viruses it acquired during it’s more promiscuous days as a strapping young corp on the prowl.

Unfortunately, as much as everyone would love to save Grandpa GM, alas, the company just has too much debt to be given another loan. Not to mention, it’s recent kidney failure prevents it from properly absorbing the greenbacks’ nutrients anyway, so cash-filled IVs are probably not going to nurse the old man back to health.

“We are acting as reluctant shareholders,” Obama said, adding that the government will only step in to make decisions for the company when absolutely necessary. “What we are not doing—and what I have no interest in doing—is running GM.”

Well, well. In that case, looks like someone has just what it takes to be the new General Motors’ CEO!

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