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Congress Dooms Bailout Plan, Ushers In Global Apocalypse

In case you were wondering if the elected representatives of American Democracy care about you, the answer is no they do not. Not even a little.

After finally getting someone–anyone–to pay attention to them for more than one minute (believe me, it wasn’t easy), the savvy problem-solvers in the House showed their gratitude by doing everything in their power to prove to the American people that their elected representatives are indeed Satan’s spawn.

As the esteemed Congress’ inability to contain their partisan squabbling caused the $700 billion bailout package to sputter and die in the House, nothing much happened.

Oh yeah, except for setting off a global financial tsunami, rattling markets across the world, and plunging the U.S. into its worst recession since the massive stock market crash of the 80’s.

Big whoop. It’s not like the skies opened and swallowed us all in a fiery storm of blood and molten ash.

Wait, I think I just felt a drop…

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