Christine O'Donnell Is Full Of Ideas, Like Why America Needs More Masturbation-Hating, Meatball-Loving Witches In Their Congress!

Delaware’s most cherished expert on witchcraft, scientifically engineered human mice geniuses, and fearless crusader for masturbation-free puritans across America, Christine O’Donnell, may be too good to touch her own sinful private place between her legs, but she is certainly not above pretending to have received various degrees from hoity toity accredited institutions like Oxford and Yale, instead of her real, framed GED from the First Internet Clown School of America, currently adorning her office wall.

O’Donnell’s LinkedIn bio page lists “University of Oxford” as one of the schools she attended, claiming she studied “Post Modernism in the New Millennium.” But it turns out that was just a course conducted by an institution known as the Phoenix Institute, which merely rented space at Oxford.

Phew! Because if there’s anything Congress doesn’t need it is another intelligent, liberal elitist who doesn’t even need to pretend their college degree came from a real, elitist university instead of a blood vow from the Grand High Witch at some abandoned satanic altar on the outskirts of Wilmington.

Thank heavens, America finally has a real Teabagging patriot (of MTV & the free market), free from the terrible burden of having actual knowledge about anything, but especially the evil, liberal lies that come with one of ’em real Ivy League educations, to restore moral values and sanity back to the big, bad gubmint. Like the preposterous notion that humans came from disgusting apes in Africa, when any bleepin’ fool could tell ya God sprang mortals straight from the holy, life-creating tip of Adam’s miraculous rib. Duh!

But earning a PhD in both the evils of masturbation and “Post Modernism in the New Millennium” (sounds sexy, even if it doesn’t actually mean anything!) aren’t the only things Miss Christine O’Donnell brings to the congressional table. No sir-ee!

She also happens to be a renowned religious scholar who has “dabbled” in all the world’s great religions, such as Witchcraft and that weird, Western interpretation of Hinduism, where you shave your head and beg for spare change while chanting & dancing at the airport, Hare Krishna or whatever. But sadly, much like her brief “Buddhism” phase, that too proved too difficult for Christine, who simply could not give up her delicious meals of dead animal flesh smothered in real, thick American gravy, even if it was for like God and enlightenment ‘n stuff.

“I was dabbling into every other kind of religion before I became a Christian. I was dabbling in witchcraft, I’ve dabbled in Buddhism. I would have become a Hare Krishna but I didn’t want to become a vegetarian. And that is honestly the reason why — because I’m Italian, I love meatballs!”

I mean c’mon, the woman can only deny herself so much pleasure at a time! It’s one thing to say no to the terrible, immoral, baby making, male genitalia kind of meatballs, but give up warm, homemade, delicious, zesty Italian herbs ‘n spice rolled into a delectable beef, pork, or lamb balls of yummy, God-approved orgasm?? As if!!

After all, she didn’t kill whatever animal Grandma’s meatballs comes from! So, screw you Krishna!?

Of course, some meany Democrats and elitists with functioning brains like Op-Ed columnist for the Communist rag The New York Times, Frank Rich, know O’Donnell is more than just “pure comic gold, or a bottomless trove of baldfaced lies, radical views and sheer wackiness.”

Whatever her other talents, she’s more than willing to play the role of useful idiot for her party. She gives populist cover to the billionaires and corporate interests that have been steadily annexing the Tea Party movement and busily plotting to cash in their chips if the G.O.P. prevails.

Ooooh, hopefully the kind of “Useful Idiot” whose résumé has proved largely fictional, has had trouble finding a job, holding on to a home and paying her taxes, but famously renounced her former sluttiness to become the anti-masturbation, moral patrol crusader, Republican congressional candidate, and adorable, new face of the fake grassroots group run by billionaire fascist freaks known as the Tea Party.

But in Christine’s defense, playing the part of a clown on a broomstick does run in her family. It’s in her genes, even!

“We were a big noisy family with a lot of backyard skits and carnivals,” said O’Donnell, whose mother, Carole, called her Chrissy the Pooh and whose father, Daniel, worked a series of small television roles before scoring his signature gig — playing Bozo the Clown.

But clownery and ridding the world of masturbation, one horny, fallen teen at a time, aren’t the only things that course through Christine’s pure white, Wiccan blood!

Sure, a lot of people say she is just another Palin-sponsored maniac, which is of course true, but what you may not know, is Christine O’Donnell is also a scholar who “enjoys intellectual pursuits, lifelong learning, and is interested in ideas,” at least according to some random grad student, B. Griffin, who apparently taught Christine’s Postmodernism class at fake Oxford, and shares a name suspiciously similar to the animated dog on Family Guy.

That’s right! So, the talking, cartoon canine/instructor of O’Donnell’s Oxford course three-week Phoenix Institute program says Christine is “interested in ideas,” in the same way that meatballs are an “idea,” if not just, a great way to enjoy your favorite animal flesh in convenient, portable ball-form.

What else did this Bruce W. Griffin character write in his own Pulitzer-worthy letter of recommendation for Christine?

Christine O’Donnell would bring to the US Senate a deepened commitment to the philosophical convictions of the Founding Fathers at a time when the philosophical bankruptcy of too many leaders is mirrored in the economic bankruptcy of the federal government. She would surely add intellectual and philosophical depth to a Senate that at this point in its history badly needs both.”

OMG, totes!

So rejoice America! Because, while the lame DEMONcrats are too dumb and elitist to pretend to go to some Socialist European brainwashing “university” like Oxford, not to mention, too impatient to watch mountain gorillas instantly morph into fully evolved human beings, the beautiful, brilliant, former Hare Krishna/Buddhist witch Christine O’Donnell will bravely lie to your face, while spreading Liberty and Ideas in the form of rolled, perfectly seasoned, balls of meat all over this great land, through her pristine, mint condition, never-touched vagina.

Can you say, Broomsticks/Meatballs 2012!?