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Chris Christie Fears Americans Are Turning Into Couch Potatoes, Which He Will Then Deep Fry & Stuff Down His Throat

When not gobbling down Jersey Mike’s subs or helicoptering his hefty load from his Grand Canyon-sized couch to the nearest corrupt, corporate-sponsored, rich person’s bitchfest, New Jersey Gov. of Mass Chris Christie took a moment to warn the good people of AmeriCANT what happens when Uncle Sam meets La-Z-Boy. Other than a bunch of crumbs.

“I’ve never seen a less optimistic time in my lifetime in this country. And people wonder why. I think it’s really simple: It’s because government’s now telling them to stop dreaming, stop striving, we’ll take care of you. We’re turning into a paternalistic entitlement society. That will not just bankrupt us financially; it will bankrupt us morally.”

Yeah, whatever you say Big Daddy. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll take my big, fat check for speaking to you lazy, good-for-nothing freeloaders please.

“When the American people no longer believe that this is a place where only their willingness to work hard and to act with honor and integrity and ingenuity determines their success in life, then we’ll have a bunch of people sitting on a couch waiting for their next government check.”

But on the bright side, at least we got Snuggies out of it, amiright?

Hell, even lazy, no-good couch potatoes need to move sometimes. Waiting around doing nothing can be soooo exhausting!

Surely, Chris Christie can relate to that!

“The governor was very active during the show,” one concert-goer told the New York Post. “Bruce started talking about ‘supporting food banks in New York and New Jersey,’ and ‘how people have been hit hard,’ and Christie was riveted. Then Bruce performed ‘Rocky Ground,’ and Christie visibly started fading.”

Well excuuuuuuse him if he mistook ‘Rocky Ground’ for ‘Rocky Road’ and automatically slipped into a delicious chocolate-marshmallow-and-nut induced slumber.

Perhaps his blood sugar is low or maybe it’s all the MSG?

After all, shrinking government is a hell of a lot easier than shrinking Chris Christie. Just ask the man.

Once he wakes up from dreamland. No, not his Springsteen snooze time, silly! That other, consciousness-free realm where a morbidly obese bully, who only tolerates poor when it comes sandwiched between shrimp and boy, will ever win the White House.

Besides, he strikes me as more of a White Castle guy anyway.

[image via AP]

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