If you guessed embark on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own homophobic past and without the knowledge of his two-time Mrs. America finalist wife, give yourself a round [...]]]>

Pop quiz: What does a failed, anti-gay, conservative Christian politician do two years after losing his 2009 campaign to become Alabama’s newest, craziest, wingnut governor?

If you guessed embark on a lesbian-impregnating rampage in New Zealand, despite his own homophobic past and without the knowledge of his two-time Mrs. America finalist wife, give yourself a round of applause, you’re right!

How does Bill Johnson, a crazed wingnut hack from ‘Bama, go from preaching about the hot, erotic evils of homosinuality in America’s Deep South to masturbating into a cup for lesbians 7,982 miles away in the Deep South Pacific?

Funny story!

A conservative Christian politician has a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples – even though he has campaigned against gay marriage.
American politician Bill Johnson has spent most of this year in Christchurch helping run the earthquake recovery, all the while using the online persona “chchbill” to meet women who want help to get pregnant.
Under that persona, he has discussed making donations to at least nine women without the knowledge of his family in the US.
Three of the women are now pregnant, and Johnson has assisted another three with donations in the past month. It is believed he has been in communication with at least another three women to discuss sperm donation.
His actions as a sperm donor sparked concern in the fertility medicine community, whose guidelines recommend donations are made in the regulated environment of a fertility clinic, and that no man provide sperm donations to more than four families.

Then again, the guidelines also recommend staying away from sketchy, washed-up American political creeps and their anti-gay semen, but hell even Jesus couldn’t resist a li’l hot lady-on-lady action, amiright?

But how did the intrepid newspaper reporters discover that freaky Alabama secret sperminator Bill Johnson was generously donating his potent man juice to all these lezzy ladies, despite campaigning against the very sinful same-sex family he’s apparently now hell-bent on creating?

The Herald on Sunday approached Johnson on Thursday at a restaurant in Christchurch [New Zealand] where he had just finished dining with one of the women he had successfully impregnated.
He said the urge to become a biological father was “a need that I have.”

Don’t you people get it? It wasn’t a choice, it was a need! Like breathing or beating off into a Dixie cup. Ya know, normal stuff.

“Reproduction and having children is as basic a human need as eating,” he told the Herald.

Okay, that too!

His wife, Kathy Johnson, on the other hand (no pun intended!), said the revelations were “the utmost of betrayal.”

“This is a really, really difficult time for our family,” she said. “I’m still in disbelief and very hurt, and our family has a lot of healing to do.”

Oooh, is it sexual healing? Cause, if so, have I got the perfect guy for you!

“I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world. When I married her I knew we couldn’t have any more children. She had a hysterectomy 10 years ago,” he said. “There is nothing my wife would want to give me more in the world than a child of my own.”

Really?? Cause I was thinking more along the lines of divorce papers or a swift kick in the nuts.

But don’t worry not-even-almost-governor Bill Johnson! The people of Alabama still love you! After segregation and bestiality, masturbating into a cup is one of the state’s most cherished pastimes!

Roll Tide, y’all! Or should I say Stroke?

[image via NZ Herald]

Okay, okay, fine, so alleged sexual assault is usually no laughing matter. But then again, this 2009 photo of alleged sexual assaulter and serial maid harasser Dominique Strauss-Kahn meeting President Barack Obama and First Lady [...]]]>

Some pictures say a thousand words. This one just says four: Watch It Old Man!

Okay, okay, fine, so alleged sexual assault is usually no laughing matter. But then again, this 2009 photo of alleged sexual assaulter and serial maid harasser Dominique Strauss-Kahn meeting President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle is pretty funny, considering Dominique’s wild lady-grabbing ways were not yet internationally renowned.

Nice attempt at restraint, though Prez!

But, sorry Barry, we’re not buying it! We all know what you’d really like to say…

“Oh, you’re Dominique Strauss-Kahn, The Great Seducer (of upscale hotel help)?”

“Well, I don’t care who the hell you are or what the hell your name is. Try that move again, Pierre, and you’ll finally see what it feels like to be one of those third world countries you’re always screwing. Except this time, the country wears black leather chaps, sleeps in the bunk above you, slaps your ass, and likes to be called Big Daddy Jim.”

Oooh La La!

Unless, of course God was [...]]]>

Something unspeakably terrible and tragic happens in the world, and for once, it wasn’t the awful Muslims, queers, or Wisconsin union workers’ fault for forcing God to unleash his furious wrath on unsuspecting masses in the form of some natural catastrophe or another, as retribution for their deviant lifestyle of sin.

Unless, of course God was so furious about those ridiculous Peter King “Let’s Hate on Muslims” congressional hearings, that he decided to take it out on Japan.

Which, considering we’re pretty sure they don’t even have Muslims in Japan, means a certain all-powerful, all-knowing being may either be slightly less stable than we thought, could use some serious anger management classes, or at the very least, needs to stop spending so much time with Charlie Sheen.

Because for some people, science-y explanations like “plate tectonics” and “random chance” just isn’t good enough!

Fortunately, unlike the US of A, Japan is a relatively advanced first-world country whose legislative parliament isn’t constantly pressured by obese white people dressed like human bags of Earl Grey and riding on motor scooters, to cut essential funding designed to make earthquakes, tsunamis, the return of Godzilla, and other sorts of unforeseen emergencies less devastating.

Meaning this probably would all be a lot worse anywhere else in the world! In fact, if it wasn’t for Japan’s strict building codes and practice earthquake and tsunami drills, the death toll likely would have been much higher in the hundreds of thousands, even, instead of the 1,000+ casualties currently estimated.

Ummm, hooray?

So while the tsunami waves from Japan’s monster quake begin to hit Hawaii and travel toward our West Coast, the terrible no-good Socialist NObama government has been closely monitoring the situation at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center, issuing advisories and ordering evacuations as necessary.

Of course, the United State is able to monitor these things and quickly spring into action to help save lives because of a magical elixir called taxpayer money (gasp!).

But, if Republicans in Congress had their way with proposed budget cuts (that just failed in the Senate), tsunami, earthquake, and other disaster monitoring and preventive operations would have been slashed, gutted, and tossed into the trash can (hopefully with the poors?), because like who the hell needs that stuff anyway, amiright?

Good thing God got this mega disaster in when He did!

Back in February 2009, Republicans found a lot of risible spending in the stimulus bill. In his response to the State of the Union, Gov. Bobby Jindal, R-La., derided the stimulus for including “$140 million for something called volcano monitoring.” The gripe was mostly that the funding, mostly for U.S. Geological Survey upkeep, wasn’t stimulative.

Saving lives? Meh. Only if it stimulates Republicans’ wallets, my friend!

The continuing resolution passed by the GOP House, the one that just failed in the Senate, reduces funding for the federal agencies that monitor and react to disasters.

According to the House Appropriation Committee’s summary of the bill, the CR funds Operations, Research and Facilities for the National Oceanic Atmospheric Association with $454.3 million less than it got in FY2010; this represents a $450.3 million cut from what the president’s never-passed FY2011 budget was requesting. The National Weather Service, of course, is part of NOAA — its funding drops by $126 million. The CR also reduces funding for FEMA management by $24.3 million off of the FY2010 budget, and reduces that appropriation by $783.3 million for FEMA state and local programs.

Democrats did attempt to add more money to NOAA’s budget. Rep. Dan Lipinski, D-Ill., offered an amendment to the CR that would have directed “no less than $710,641,000 to the National Weather Service Local Warnings and Forecasts.” The amendment was one of several Democratic spending proposals that was found to be out of order, and not voted on.

Tide goes in, tide goes out. Sun comes up, sun goes down. How’d the moon get there? How’d did the sun get there? Who put it there? Bill O’Reilly can’t explain it! (Maybe because there’s no funding?)

Of course, not everyone is blessed with as gifted a scientific mind as ol’ Papa Bear, like the damn union thugs over at the National Environmental Satellite, Data, and Information Service employees union, who decided to make a big toodoo over the proposed budget cuts.

Greedy bastards!

Nationally, reduced funding will mean upper air observations now made twice a day might be reduced to every other day, buoy and surface weather observations that provide data for warning systems could be temporarily or permanently discontinued and there could be delays in replacing satellites, according to the release.

Tide goes in, tide goes out. Earthquake rumbles up, buildings crumble down. Tsunamis roll in, everything not tied down rolls out. Nature goes boom, hundreds of thousands of people go bye-bye.

So it goes.

Besides, why would we ever need that silly scientific stuff? Nature doesn’t kill Americans, Americans kill nature!

Apparently, killing Christ just wasn’t enough [...]]]>

What is with the Jews these days? The damn yids just cannot stop forcing otherwise renowned, well-respected, wealthy, international middle-aged men (of mystery), notably John Galliano and Julian Assange, to say terrible, bigoted, ignorant things about them in bars, interviews, and other public places vicious anti-Semitic rants are typically discouraged.

Apparently, killing Christ just wasn’t enough for the greedy bastards!

First, they shystered Christian Dior creative director and real life Mugatu, John Galliano, into innocently proclaiming “I love Hitler” before reasonably informing the Jewish couple sitting next to him in a Paris bar, “People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be f****** gassed.”

Ooh La La! Looks like someone’s extra foam, no whip, skim soy chai latte didn’t agree with him this morning, huh?

Hopefully, there will be more of an appreciation for weirdly androgynous flaming fashionistas who look like the bizarre love child of Salvador Dali, John Waters, General Franco and Cher after a wild, drug fueled orgy weekend in Ibiza, at his posh new rehab treatment center. Which is all the rage for racist mustachioed wrecks who get smashed and start shrieking about Final Solutions and five-inch stilettos in the wee days before Fashion Week.

Haute Couture? Haha, more like Hate ze Jew!

Which brings us to the other dapper, albeit androgynous, albino lad from across the pond, Wikileaks founder and serial condom breaker, Julian Assange, who has simply had it up to here with all the Jews and Queers conspiring together trying desperately to bring him down. (Or was it to go down?)

In a phone conversation with Ian Hislop, editor of the British satirical and current affairs magazine Private Eye, Julian Assange furiously complains about an anonymous Private Eye story criticizing Wikileaks’ association with its Russia representative, a raving anti-Semite and holocaust denier rather confusingly (and ironically!) named Israel Shamir.

Turns out, Assange wanted Hislop to know that he’d barely even met Shamir, and that Private Eye had been taken in (the dumb bastards!) by a cabal of reporters for the Guardian who hate Assange and who happen to all be total Jew faces, complete with devil horns.

So, umm, touché?

[H]e went on to say that we were part of a conspiracy led by the Guardian which included journalist David Leigh, editor Alan Rusbridger and John Kampfner from Index on Censorship—all of whom “are Jewish.”
I pointed out that Rusbridger is not actually Jewish, but Assange insisted that he was “sort of Jewish” because he was related to David Leigh (they are brothers-in-law). When I doubted whether his Jewish conspiracy would stand up against the facts, Assange suddenly conceded the point. “Forget the Jewish thing.”

Already forgotten, Julian!

Moving on, then.

The other thing about the whole Jewy and sort-of-Jewy people who are out to get him is that they are all total homos, too! Just ask ol’ Jul!

“The reporters on the Guardian disappointed me,” he continued. “They failed my masculinity test.” (Wait, what?) “They behaved like gossiping schoolgirls,” he said.

Oh, I get it! The way you pass Julian Assange’s masculinity test is by looking like an effeminate silk-scarf wearing weirdo, while secretly Wikileaking your man seed hither and yon, in unsuspecting ladies’ hoohas until there’s a li’l Julian in every part of the globe, on as many continents as humanly possible.

OMG, quick someone alert the Republicans! Finally, a reason to keep abortion legal the whole world can get behind!

Though, knowing the Jews, they’ve already trademarked, patented it, and turned a tidy profit off it.

Naturally, Assange disputed the Private Eye report on his WikiLeaks Twitter feed, saying, Mr. Hislop had “distorted, invented or misremembered almost every significant claim and phrase.”

“It is serious and upsetting. Rather than correct a smear, Mr. Hislop has tried to justify one smear with another.”

“That he has a reputation for this, and is famed to have received more libel suits in the U.K. than any other journalist as a result, does not mean that it is right,” Assange said. “WikiLeaks promotes the ideal of ‘scientific journalism’ — where the underlying evidence of all articles is available to the reader precisely in order to avoid these type of distortions. We treasure our strong Jewish support and staff, just as we treasure the support from pan-Arab democracy activists and others who share our hope for a just world.”

Yes, a just world where you are what your brother-in-law is, which may be a Jew, a gay, a Nazi, a secret Muslim terrorist, or in Julian’s case, a total asshole.

And anti-Semitism isn’t an archaic, outdated relic of an ignorant and tragic past, but the hottest new hashtag trending on Twitter.

Right after #CharlieSheenCokeWhores, of course!

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we’re free at last!

Err, kind of.

I mean, Hosni Mubarak did finally step down as Egypt’s default [...]]]>

The Egyptian Revolution may not be televised (America don’t take too kindly to Al Jazeera in her parts!) but it will most definitely be Facebooked and Tweeted and re-Tweeted ad nauseum.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we’re free at last!

Err, kind of.

I mean, Hosni Mubarak did finally step down as Egypt’s default president-for-life, but not before first giving ridiculously offensive quitting speeches pretending to leave, a number of times, only to decide, eh, on second thought, he kind of likes this whole all-powerful, ruthless leader thing.

But lo and behold, the arrogant, grumpy old man and only Grandfather Egypt has known for the last thirty years finally decided the largest country in the Arab world has had enough Daddy Warbucks Mubarak (maybe the massive, nonstop rioting protesters tipped him off), and would be better served
maybe letting someone else be absolute ruler for a while.

Maybe even the whole Egyptian Army since they seem to love repressive police states so much!

According to the BBC:

Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down as president of Egypt.
In an announcement on state TV, Vice-President Omar Suleiman said Mr Mubarak had handed power to the military.
It came as thousands massed in Cairo and other Egyptian cities for an 18th day of protest to demand Mr Mubarak’s resignation.
Protesters responded by cheering, waving flags, embracing and sounding car horns. “The people have brought down the regime,” they chanted.

Hooray! The Egyptian Revolution is victorious! Which is really quite an achievement after only a few measly weeks of rag-tag yelling and shrieking in 140 characters or less. All hail the Twitter!

So now that ol’ Hosni M is gone, the real question becomes, what happens next?

Will pure democracy just suddenly bloom like the beautiful begonia of freedom George W. Bush so bravely planted in Iraq?

Or will the Great Pyramid Party of 2011, Egyptapalooza’s non-stop freedom bash be followed by the long, complicated, seemingly impossible process of constitutional negotiations between the people, Army, the Muslim Brotherhood, moderate/progressive opposition groups, business leaders, foreign powers, and all other concerned interests over the next year or so before anything even approaching free elections and/or a stable and responsive political system emerges?

Umm, yeah, most likely.

But until then, doesn’t it make you feel all warm ‘n fuzzy to know that something called the “The Supreme Council of the Egyptian Military Forces” now has complete control of the nation?

And all these military leaders have to do now is draft a new system of government that ably represents the demands of 80 million people unfamiliar with the democratic process in one of the most strategically important nations on Earth en route to supervising the constitutional transition of power!

Yeah, like that should be difficult.

Per usual, President Obama said all the right things, praising the peacefulness of the protesters, the restraint of the military, the emergence of a “new generation with boundless aspirations,” and a transition that brings “all of Egypt’s voices to the table.”

And not surprisingly, the United States government has pledged to help where it can, but let’s be serious. As long as the oil’s pumping and our massive tankers don’t run into any problems going through the Suez Canal, ol’ Uncle Sam is pretty much cool with anything.

Hell, if Egypt ends up under the permanent rule of a Supreme Repressive Military Authoritarian Islamist Junta of Death, Sharia, and How To Lose A Democracy In Ten Days, but still manages to keep our gas-guzzling luxury SUVs filled with delicious petroleum, then that’s good enough.

So be it!

Good thing, America’s other, real president of social networking, Sarah Palin, understands that the U.S. of A can’t just go around, supportin’ freedom and the rule of Democratic law everywhere there’s a protest and a pyramid.

“We want to be able to trust those who are screaming for democracy there in Egypt, that it is a true sincere desire for freedoms. And the challenge that we have though, is how do we verify what it is that we are being told?”

Certainly not by listening to the shrieks of lamestream media, or Lord Allah forbid, evil Al Jazeera media elite terrorists!

“So now the information needs to be gathered and understood as to who it will be that fills now the void in the government. Is it going to be the Muslim Brotherhood? We should not stand for that, or with that or by that. Any radical Islamists, no that is not who we should be supporting and standing by. So we need to find out who was behind all of the turmoil and the revolt and the protests so that good decisions can be made in terms of who we will stand by and support.”

So true, SarBear! After all, a secular pragmatist like Sarah Palin knows that God should NEVER have an influence on politics or government or law and order.

And certainly not if that God happens to go by the ridiculous name Allah.

Jesus Christ, no!

I mean, it’s not like weirdo Egyptians have feelings or anything. Besides, everyone knows those people couldn’t truly want Democracy. Duh! They’re Muslim.

Eh, no not yet. Still-President [...]]]>

Did the 60-year military dictatorship in Egypt end while you wasted away your weekend drinking Four Loko in the desperate hopes that enough carbonated toxic liquid would help make either of the not one, but two miserable All-Star snoozefests on the boob tube at least mildly entertaining, if not outright depressing?

Eh, no not yet. Still-President Hosni Mubarak continues to pretend that he is not the reason hundreds of thousands of angry Egyptians are rioting in the streets in violent protest of his 30-year iron-fisted rule over Egypt.

Did Fox News suddenly wake up and realize it was retarded? Unfortunately, not yet either.

Which is why, much like ol’ Hosni M, Fox News cannot be held responsible for this particular comically special needs map, or any of the dumb, terrible, unintentional consequences it caused because it was broadcast before the current crisis, just like Mubarak was “elected” (one bullet=one vote) before the Egyptian Army started firing on peaceful pro-democracy gatherings of its citizens, demanding an end to Mubarak’s repressive, though-not-completely-horrible-in-the-scheme-of-things rule.

Just think of what would happen if Egypt were actually directly on top of Iraq, like total catacomb style, and also next to Iran. For one thing, the U.S. occupation liberation forces in Iraq would be squished or suffocated, because of Egypt being on top of them and all!

Not to mention, what we thought were the awe-inspiring, ancient Pyramids of Giza turned out to be nothing more than the paper mache visual representations of Saddam Hussein’s 100% UN guaranteed, get-rich-quick oil-for-food/not-killing-Iraqis Ponzi scheme.

But Fox News’ ingested-too-many-paint-chips-as-a-kid-maps aside, could it be that the six decades of Egyptian military autocracy, led by the 82-year-old Egyptian version of Al Davis, is officially over, dunzo, finito?

Ummm, maybe. After all, Mubarak did name new cabinet members and convince the military to kindly agree not “to shoot-to-kill” peaceful protesters, even if Mubarak refuses to let the Internet Menace oust him from power, in 140-characters or less.

Meanwhile, the Obama White House expressed his administration’s desire for restraint and a peaceful, orderly transition to a more responsive, democratic government, while at the same time warning against a takeover by religious militants who want to destroy the world, on their holy quest to bang 72 pristine virgins who’ve never even heard of the Jersey Shore.

In return, they will stop supporting (financially and otherwise) the decades-long reign of quasi-dictators like Hosni Mubarak simply because oh, I don’t know, say, Egypt’s fragile, albeit critical peace with Israel, sanctioned by Mubarak himself, helped stave off world-wide catastrophe in the form of World War III or worse, throughout the second half of the last century.

“The American government cannot ask the Egyptian people to believe that a dictator who has been in power for 30 years will be the one to implement democracy,” Mohamed ElBaradei, former head of the UN nuclear watchdog, told CBS’s “Face the Nation.”
“This is really a farce. I mean, people here could be poor, but they’re intelligent.

Ha ha, well, guess what!? Not only are Americans getting poorer, they also happen to be getting progressively dumber and increasingly obese at the same time. It’s called having your Snooki and eating it too!

Not to mention, we Americans are diligent multi-taskers who believe that God granted us exclusive rights to rule the world when He lovingly crafted Adam and Eve out of clay and his own omnipotent wherewithal, in the Olive Garden or Garden of Eden or something.

If the American public was told a dictator who’d been ruling with an iron fist for 30 years, and blamed for widespread poverty, inflation, official indifference and brutality, would be tasked with implementing a democracy it’s never had, they would believe it.

Hell, they believe Fox News, don’t they?

Because they are an advanced, intelligent society whose brain cells are used for important matters like determining how many grams of high-grade cocaine and high-class call girls Charlie Sheen needs to snort and abuse, respectively, before deserving widespread public support and an all expense-paid vacation to a luxury spa/rehab resort in Southern California. Not how to overthrow a corrupt regime and install a democratically elected government that actually respects the universal human rights of all Egyptians instead.

So take that, Egypt, ya lazy bones mother mummy f**kers!

Besides, oil’s well that ends well! Or at least that ends with decent oil prices so concerned Americans can drive their gas guzzling SUVs to their own wondrous, culturally indispensable, ancient Egyptian civilization…at the Luxor Hotel. In Las Vegas.