Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun ‘n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, [...]]]>

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun ‘n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama “assassination jokes.”

So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole “college education” thing doesn’t work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children’s coloring books?

Although, to be fair, I’m pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America’s premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!

Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn’t just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It’s also for racial stereotyping, Cassie’s (and apparently all College Republicans’) all-time favorite activity on Earth.

On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”

Ah yes, tomorrow’s leaders.

My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I’m white?
I’ve got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla

#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ

Messed up world? GTFO!

No, seriously. The whole state. Please.

[image via Gawker]

Which [...]]]>

Thin-skinned crybaby Kansas governor of creationism and trolling Twitter feeds for meany comments by teenage girls, Sam Brownback, has decided to stop harassing 18-year-old high school students and start slashing arts education and civil rights for gays like the wise, compassionate Republican statesman he is.

Which is good news because Kansas was almost becoming a desirable place to live, if you’re the kind of person who enjoys illiterate, gun-crazed wingnuts telling you what you can or cannot do with your body, while 300 mph tornadoes whip around cattle, buildings, and any remnants of civilization not tied down.

And you better believe Gov. Sam Brownback intends to keep it that way. Which is why he decided not to continue his insane wingnut quest to destroy the life of Emma Sullivan, an 18-year-old Kansas high school senior and member of the Youth In Government program who, during a field trip to the state capital, tweeted a joke about Brownback’s dumbass speech to the students: “Just made mean comments at gov brownback and told him he sucked, in person #heblowsalot.”

OMG, the nerve! #kidsarecrazythesedays!

The Kansas City Star reports:

She actually made no such comments. “Joking around,” Sullivan says of the incident. Brownback’s director of communication wasn’t amused when the tweet was spotted during the routine daily monitoring of comments on Twitter and Facebook mentioning the governor’s name.
“That wasn’t respectful,” responded Sherriene Jones-Sontag. “In order to really have a constructive dialogue, there has to be mutual respect.”
Brownback’s brief speech to the students encouraged them to “be active in their government, community and public service,” Jones-Sontag says.

Nevermind that Sam Brownback really does “suck” and according to most everybody with a functional brain and opposable thumb, also really “blows a lot.” Sherriene Jones-Sontag is so right! The best way to encourage students to participate in government and community affairs is by forcing them to shut their fucking mouths and do as they’re told. Respectfully.

Even better is for the Governor’s staff to troll Twitter feeds of teenagers and upon finding an offensive (because it’s true) joke about their very own wingnut imbecile Teabagger-in-Chief, call the schoolgirl’s principal to demand an immediate apology and force her to pinky swear never to utter any meany words about a certain elected public official with a serious Napoleon complex ever ever again.

But being the smart liberal young gal she is and not the cretinous Teabagger paradigm for “What’s the Matter With Kansas?” Emma Sullivan refused to write some dumb letter of lies apology to Gov. Brownback because for one thing, she isn’t sorry and still thinks he’s a big idiotface who totally blows.

Apparently in Kansas, sticking to your guns works, with the school already backing down, because seriously who needs this kind of publicity? Certainly not Shawnee Mission School District who decided that Emma Sullivan does not need to write a letter of apology and won’t face any repercussions. Instead, releasing a statement saying they’ve “reviewed recent events surrounding the reported tweet by Shawnee Mission East High School student Emma Sullivan” and “[acknowledged] a student’s right to freedom of speech and expression is constitutionally protected.”

Guess who else relented in the face of free speech cries about a person’s constitutional right to Tweet? That’s right, the very yellow-bellied Brownbacked wingnut Governor who started this whole brouhaha in the first place.

Oh, and turns out, it was all his stupid staff’s fault for over-reacting to the tweet:

“My staff over-reacted to this tweet, and for that I apologize. Freedom of speech is among our most treasured freedoms.
“I enjoyed speaking to the more than 100 students who participated in the Youth in Government Program at the Kansas Capitol. They are our future.
“I also want to thank the thousands of Kansas educators who remind us daily of our liberties, as well as the values of civility and decorum.
“Again, I apologize for our over-reaction.”

Haha, score one for Emma Sullivan who, despite everything you thought, is actually lucky to live in Kansas.

Hell, Rick Perry would’ve had her executed.

Don’t worry, Brownback, it gets better! Except then I don’t think we’d be in Kansas anymore.

[Images via Getty]

Sure, his campaign is over $1 million in debt, the perpetual butt of all [...]]]>

OMG, LOLZ. White-haired swamp creature and master of the Twittervirse Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign may be on life support, but unlike his first wife, that doesn’t mean ol’ Newt’s going to leave it to die, cold and alone, on a hospital bed.

Sure, his campaign is over $1 million in debt, the perpetual butt of all late-night talk show jokes, and he is consistently polling several points below “no one/none of the above” among likely GOP voters, but there’s still one place Newt shines brighter than one of the Callista’s precious Tiffany’s diamonds: Twitter!

It’s true! Just look at the 1.3 million living, breathing, carbon-based life forms following Sir Newton’s 140-character nonsense declarations about what he ate for lunch (pizza) and why illegal secret Muslim terrorist Socialists from Kendonesia are waaaaay worse for America than serial adulterers who lie, steal, cheat, and marry alien women who eat luxury jewelry, not food, for sustenance.

Oh wait! Turns out that a whopping 92% of Newt’s alleged Twitter followers are actually not real at all, but rather comprised of the same fictional stuff Newt’s presidential dreams are made of.

A new report suggests that 92 percent of Newt Gingrich’s 1.3 million Twitter followers are not real. The networking search firm PeekYou, which has been trying to determine the quality of Twitter audiences, examined Gingrich’s account. The firm uses 23 criteria—including name, location, and inbound and outbound links—to figure out which online users are real or fake. After analyzing each of Gingrich’s followers, they determined that only 106,055, or 8 percent, were real people. A spokesman for the company said, “The huge majority of his followers are either completely anonymous people who have no other Web presence, or they are spambots.”

Ooooh, so that’s what Callista is! Let’s just hope he doesn’t lose the start-up disk for her, or he’s screwed.

According to one of the Newt’s corporate bought spambots former staffers:

Newt employs a variety of agencies whose sole purpose is to procure Twitter followers for people who are shallow/insecure/unpopular enough to pay for them. As you might guess, Newt is most decidedly one of the people to which these agencies cater.
About 80 percent of those accounts are inactive or are dummy accounts created by various “follow agencies,” another 10 percent are real people who are part of a network of folks who follow others back and are paying for followers themselves (Newt’s profile just happens to be a part of these networks because he uses them, although he doesn’t follow back), and the remaining 10 percent may, in fact, be real, sentient people who happen to like Newt Gingrich. If you simply scroll through his list of followers you’ll see that most of them have odd usernames and no profile photos, which has to do with the fact that they were mass generated. Pathetic, isn’t it?

Pathetic? Only if you live in reality, my friend, only if you live in reality. Besides, I’m almost positive that @Tiffany’s Accounting Department is a real follower.

Meanwhile, a Gingrich campaign aide blasted the list-rigging claim, tweeting that it was “a false accusation which will hurt the feelings of 1.3 million people. #rude.”

Yes, were sure @041113846806103′s feelings are very hurt. In fact, he’s probably crying himself to sleep(mode) as we speak.

So it should come as no surprise [...]]]>

It is no secret Sarah Louise Palin rules the Internets and all things related to it, including ghostwritten 140-character Tweets of indecipherable gibberish no one understands, except Twits, Twats, ‘n Tweens, like say, the original runner up vice-presidential loser/half-term governor and her brood of fellow fame grubbing, ridiculously-named grifters.

So it should come as no surprise that for the world’s #1 favoritest Patron Saint of Social Networking, a single Facebook page is simply not enough.

Puh-lease!

No, no, another Facebook page must be secretly created using Sarah Palin’s personal Gmail address, so that the fake Sarah Palin can praise the other, real Sarah Palin whenever she says something really awesome and inspiring about Jesus, abstinence, or her favoritest Fox News.

But in order to be really clever so the dumb lamestream media doesn’t find out, Sarah had to wrack her whole Wasilla brain to come up with something so smart, so unique, so mindlblowingly brilliant that no one would ever be the wiser.

And then suddenly, viola! Out pops a Facebook page for “Lou Sarah” (psst: her middle name is Louise, get it??) who is friends with a bunch of Wasilla folk and has an unhealthy obsession with Bristol Palin.

Coincidence? I think not.

This mysterious “Lou Sarah” page is really less a Facebook page and more a personal tribute to the real Sarah Palin, who she “likes” a lot, and has nothing but praise and encouragement for. “Lou Sarah” even says “Amen” to Facebook posts by Sarah Sarah, which is like the cyberworld’s version of a rousing, stadium-sized standing ovation from a frenzied, adoring crowd o’ flag wavin’, Socialist motor scooter-ridin’ patriots.

But what else does “Lou” do on her super secret, underground Facebook account that is easily accessible to anyone with a computer and enough fingers to type in Palin’s Gmail address into Facebook’s search box?

Well, for one thing, “Lou” thoroughly enjoys keeping in touch with all 12 of her mostly Wasilla-based friends, including Sarah Palin’s father Chuck Heath, brother Chuck Heath Jr., and some weirdo lady named Claire Barton who is also a proud member of Palin’s Wasilla Assembly of God church and whose primary interest is to “Restore Fear of YAHWEH/GOD and YESHUA/CHRIST as Ruler of our Countries.”

But seriously, whose isn’t, right?

“Lou Sarah” is usually busy using her stealth page to “like” herself, recommend links to her own poorly written, factually incorrect op-ed columns, generously offer a few “Amen” shout-outs on Sarah Palin’s public page, and become a fan of who else but Sarah Palin, Bristol Palin, Mark Ballas (Bristol Palin’s DWTS dancing partner, f**k buddy & probably-soon-to-be-baby daddy), and the Wasilla-based Edge Fitness, who Lou was kind enough to alert about an upcoming plug on the reality teevee sensation sweeping the globe, Sarah Palin’s Alaska, starring Lou Sarah.

But most of all, when not showering praise upon her own perfect self, “Lou” simply loves to encourage others, particularly ones she personally birthed, raised, and groomed to follow in Mama’s footsteps, and make moose piles of money makin’ bastard babies, humiliating herself dancing (poorly) in a gorilla costume on national teevee.

And we love you, “Lou,” on behalf of everyone who struggles with proper Facebook etiquette and overcomes the challenges of looking like a total douche, by deciding to like your own comment anyway!

It looks like The Wonder Woman of Wasilla has been way too busy moonlighting as “Lou” to heap praise on her daughter for remembering the Lord after getting booted off Dancing With The Stars and “like” herself, to actually read the liberal newspapers and other elitist publications warning about Facebook privacy settings.

Not that it matters because, either way, none of Palin’s multiple personalities are interesting.

But this one sure is fitting: Lou Sar… Lou Sar… Loser!

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we’re free at last!

Err, kind of.

I mean, Hosni Mubarak did finally step down as Egypt’s default [...]]]>

The Egyptian Revolution may not be televised (America don’t take too kindly to Al Jazeera in her parts!) but it will most definitely be Facebooked and Tweeted and re-Tweeted ad nauseum.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we’re free at last!

Err, kind of.

I mean, Hosni Mubarak did finally step down as Egypt’s default president-for-life, but not before first giving ridiculously offensive quitting speeches pretending to leave, a number of times, only to decide, eh, on second thought, he kind of likes this whole all-powerful, ruthless leader thing.

But lo and behold, the arrogant, grumpy old man and only Grandfather Egypt has known for the last thirty years finally decided the largest country in the Arab world has had enough Daddy Warbucks Mubarak (maybe the massive, nonstop rioting protesters tipped him off), and would be better served
maybe letting someone else be absolute ruler for a while.

Maybe even the whole Egyptian Army since they seem to love repressive police states so much!

According to the BBC:

Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down as president of Egypt.
In an announcement on state TV, Vice-President Omar Suleiman said Mr Mubarak had handed power to the military.
It came as thousands massed in Cairo and other Egyptian cities for an 18th day of protest to demand Mr Mubarak’s resignation.
Protesters responded by cheering, waving flags, embracing and sounding car horns. “The people have brought down the regime,” they chanted.

Hooray! The Egyptian Revolution is victorious! Which is really quite an achievement after only a few measly weeks of rag-tag yelling and shrieking in 140 characters or less. All hail the Twitter!

So now that ol’ Hosni M is gone, the real question becomes, what happens next?

Will pure democracy just suddenly bloom like the beautiful begonia of freedom George W. Bush so bravely planted in Iraq?

Or will the Great Pyramid Party of 2011, Egyptapalooza’s non-stop freedom bash be followed by the long, complicated, seemingly impossible process of constitutional negotiations between the people, Army, the Muslim Brotherhood, moderate/progressive opposition groups, business leaders, foreign powers, and all other concerned interests over the next year or so before anything even approaching free elections and/or a stable and responsive political system emerges?

Umm, yeah, most likely.

But until then, doesn’t it make you feel all warm ‘n fuzzy to know that something called the “The Supreme Council of the Egyptian Military Forces” now has complete control of the nation?

And all these military leaders have to do now is draft a new system of government that ably represents the demands of 80 million people unfamiliar with the democratic process in one of the most strategically important nations on Earth en route to supervising the constitutional transition of power!

Yeah, like that should be difficult.

Per usual, President Obama said all the right things, praising the peacefulness of the protesters, the restraint of the military, the emergence of a “new generation with boundless aspirations,” and a transition that brings “all of Egypt’s voices to the table.”

And not surprisingly, the United States government has pledged to help where it can, but let’s be serious. As long as the oil’s pumping and our massive tankers don’t run into any problems going through the Suez Canal, ol’ Uncle Sam is pretty much cool with anything.

Hell, if Egypt ends up under the permanent rule of a Supreme Repressive Military Authoritarian Islamist Junta of Death, Sharia, and How To Lose A Democracy In Ten Days, but still manages to keep our gas-guzzling luxury SUVs filled with delicious petroleum, then that’s good enough.

So be it!

Good thing, America’s other, real president of social networking, Sarah Palin, understands that the U.S. of A can’t just go around, supportin’ freedom and the rule of Democratic law everywhere there’s a protest and a pyramid.

“We want to be able to trust those who are screaming for democracy there in Egypt, that it is a true sincere desire for freedoms. And the challenge that we have though, is how do we verify what it is that we are being told?”

Certainly not by listening to the shrieks of lamestream media, or Lord Allah forbid, evil Al Jazeera media elite terrorists!

“So now the information needs to be gathered and understood as to who it will be that fills now the void in the government. Is it going to be the Muslim Brotherhood? We should not stand for that, or with that or by that. Any radical Islamists, no that is not who we should be supporting and standing by. So we need to find out who was behind all of the turmoil and the revolt and the protests so that good decisions can be made in terms of who we will stand by and support.”

So true, SarBear! After all, a secular pragmatist like Sarah Palin knows that God should NEVER have an influence on politics or government or law and order.

And certainly not if that God happens to go by the ridiculous name Allah.

Jesus Christ, no!

I mean, it’s not like weirdo Egyptians have feelings or anything. Besides, everyone knows those people couldn’t truly want Democracy. Duh! They’re Muslim.

Cause Papa can play that game too!

And rest assured, Mama Grizzly’s husband, Anger [...]]]>

Contrary to popular opinion, it’s not just Mama Grizzlies who bellow, roar, and seethe with white, hot anger when feeling even the slightest bit threatened by hunters, poachers, the lamestream media, or whatever dark, ominous forces are bothering the massive, predatory beasts now.

Cause Papa can play that game too!

And rest assured, Mama Grizzly’s husband, Anger Bear Todd, won’t hesitate to bite the freakin’ head off of any dumb, hapless schmuck unlucky enough to cross his big, bad, error-ridden, grammatically incorrect path!

Don’t believe me? HA! Try it. I dare you. Just look at the electronic beatdown Papa Bear unloaded on fellow scruffy bearded Alaskan Teabag Joe Miller, for having  the snowballs big enough to so much as even question whether wifey Sarah, the Sarah Palin, was “qualified” for the job of President of the Wasilla Moose Club, let alone the entire 50 states.

Is she qualified?? Is the Pope Catholic? The sky blue? C’mon, I mean, have you even seen all the effort she puts into writing rambling, incoherent Facebook posts? Or how about all the energy that goes into Tweeting 140-character bits of sage wisdom in the foreign language known as Dumblish?

Anger Bear & (soon-to-be) First Lady Todd to the rescue!

Can you believe the nerve of that bearded bastard Joe Miller?? St. Sarah spent all morning slaving away on a Facebook status update for someone she thought was a friend. And this is the thanks she gets? A tepid, half-assed, “It is not my role to comment” when asked whether former half-term governor, Republican vice presidential runner-up, and world famous social networker Sarah Palin would be a qualified pick for the presidential race in 2012.

Speaking on “Fox News Sunday,” Miller, who has been backed by Palin in his Senate race, said that he is focused on his current campaign and that, “I am not going to get distracted by other candidates.”

Oh yes you will, Joe! Yes you will, God damn it! When a superstar like Sarah endorses some silly nobody like you, you Joe Miller, are contractually, no make that Constitutionally bound to endorse that person for president, even if that person happens to be an unelectable, unemployed Arctic drifter with no real qualifications ‘cept makin’ as many precious li’l miracles of God and moose piles o’ money as is humanly possible.

Clearly, a certain “Joe Miller” has no idea how hard it is to post a status update on Facebook!

But then again, perhaps Todd failed to think through his whole, “Put yourself in her shoe’s Joe for one day” argument, and not just because it makes no sense and is more special needs than li’l Trigger could ever be.

Besides, if Joe put himself in Sarah’s $500 designer, RNC-funded f**k me pumps, he would probably wind up out of work and knocked up by Todd’s special (needs) sperm too!

And that would just be gay and gross, wouldn’t it, Todd? Who’s with me??

I’ll tell you who’s not with you, other than that good-for-nothin’ Joe Miller jerk, and that is, naturally, the lamestream media, who per usual, are really the ones to blame for this whole imagined email-gate scandal. Not including the other culprit called English grammar, of course!

But all’s well that end’s well, and what could be a better, more satisfying ending than another delicious, error-ridden, gibberish Tweet from the Grand Master Twat herself, Sarah Palin, to finally put to rest this whole media-concocted scandal about sweet Mama Grizz and her loyal Anger Bear Hubby Todd, in 140 presidentially-unqualified, mentally retarded-qualified characters or less.

Hmmm, not sure what the hell “There’s no there, there” means, unless of course she’s referring to something a caring parent or skilled hunter might say to comfort a sad child, newly dumped & pregnant teen, or suffering mammal they just shot, or whatever.

The point is if a Palin said it, it must be 100% based in facts and truth.

The sad part is that Tweet took 5 hours, 3 ghostwriters, a six pack of any brew (but treacherous Miller!), and no less than 50 grams of the finest crystal meth Wasilla has to offer.