Take a deep breath, America. Sarah Palin’s awful, vomit-inducing, toxic reign of idiocy is officially over. It’s true! On the momentous 5th day of October in the 2011th year of mankind, the nation’s, no, no, make that the world’s, most famous grifter-quitter-grandma from hell (aka Wasilla), Sarah Louise Palin, aka Lou Sarah aka Mama Grizz aka Barracuda aka lipstick wearing pitbull hockey mom aka ‘Orora’ announced SHE IS NOT RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT of Fox News, short-lived reality teevee shows, making Mittens Romney actually look electable, getting humiliated by Barack Obama for the second time in four years.

Terribly sad, I know. Now what will we do when we want to feel all dead and empty inside? Who can America turn to to lower our collective IQ with little more than a kiss, wink, inverted syntax, a you betcha or two, and all the faux victimhood Sarah Palin can cram into one grammatically incorrect sentence?

I guess, there will still be Fox News!

But perhaps the most fitting tribute comes from former McCain adviser Nicolle Wallace, who was assigned by the McCain ’08 campaign to help Sarah get through her day without ruining everything, only to discover you can’t control crazy!

Could it be this very experience with the Wasilla wonder herself, that inspired Wallace’s new political novel that “explores what would happen if a woman were plucked from relative obscurity and elected Vice President of the United States – only to find herself completely unprepared for the job.”

Hmmm…

“The idea of a mentally ill vice president who suffers in complete isolation was obviously sparked by the behaviors I witnessed by Sarah Palin.”

Not the Sarah Palin, the awesomest, most quittingest human being that has ever hunted moose from helicopters!

Well, first let me just say that the novel is by no means meant to build a case against Sarah Palin. However, to the extent that the people around [the fictional vice president] Tara watched in this troubled state of confusion, despair and helplessness as she flailed around — that was something I experienced. Palin vacillated between extraordinary highs on the campaign stage — she ignited more enthusiasm than our side had seen at any other point — to debilitating lows. She was often withdrawn, uncommunicative and incapable of performing even the most basic tasks required of her job as McCain’s running mate.

Wait, what? I thought the whole point was to make John McCain look less like a fossilized Alzheimer’s victim and more like elder statesman who is aware that Africa is an actual continent not a country or that Toto song she totally rocked out to in the ’80s.

What if somebody who was ill-equipped for the office were to ascend to the presidency or vice presidency? What would they do? How long would it take for people to figure it out? I became consumed by this question.

Lucky for us all, Nicolle, it didn’t take “people” that long to figure it out, which is probably why the McCain-Palin ticket scared the bejesus out of everyone not insane or incarcerated.

The system works, sort of!

“After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States,” Sarah Palin said in a statement.

So, there is a God!

“I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office and because “a third party would guarantee Obama’s re-election, and that’s the last thing that our Republic can afford.”

Probably because its already spent everything funding Sarah Palin’s personal cash-for-clunkers program, her presidential ponzi scheme/perma-victim tour across the US of A.

“As always, my family comes first…”

That is unless they are sick or pregnant or in the hospital or or makin’ precious li’l miracles in the back of Levi’s pickup or need something while I am Tweeting or Facebooking or traveling or sleeping or awake or hunting or rocking on my front porch watching Russia or anything important like that.

“From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, and encouraged me to run for President.”

Well there you have it! The Earth-shattering news (other than that Sarah Palin does indeed have a heart), is that a person no one likes announced they are not running for a job they didn’t want, couldn’t do, and wouldn’t get anyway.

“Know that by working together we can bring this country back – and as I’ve always said, one doesn’t need a title to help do it.”

A functioning brain, on the other hand, is pretty much required.

[image via Gawker]

While the world was busy pouring over silly, trivial summer news stories like illegal wars in Libya, the Grand Old Party’s Grand Old War on poor people, and esteemed members of Congress tweeting fuzzy pics of their own esteemed members, the rest of us were breathlessly waiting for real, important news stories about Sarah Palin getting back on her ridiculous Constitution-covered bus and driving through more states on some dumb RV road trip, grifter tour through the Lower 48, faux presidential campaign extravaganza.

Until, like so many of our fellow patriots with bills to pay but no job by which to pay them, our hopes and dreams were abruptly shattered in one fell swoop: Sarah Palin’s wild bus ride adventures talking to old white people is no more!

Oh, the humanity!

Like every other task she starts, minus birthing precious li’l miracles of God, former half-term governor and full-time grifter Sarah Palin decided to up and quit halfway through her bus ride for freedom, too.

WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THIS COMING??

Ummm, anyone with a brain probably.

RealClearPolitics reports:

Though Palin and her staff never announced a timeline for the remaining legs of her trip, aides had drafted preliminary itineraries that would have taken her through the Midwest and Southeast at some point this month. But those travel blueprints are now in limbo, RCP has learned, as Palin and her family have reverted to the friendly confines of summertime Alaska, where the skies are currently alight for over 19 hours a day and the Bristol Bay salmon fishing season is nearing its peak.

As Palin enjoys her sojourn to the 49th state, she has not reconnected with key early-state figures like Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad and South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, and she may have jeopardized whatever political momentum she gained from her recent reemergence in the 2012 discussion. Her political action committee’s website still greets visitors with a stale banner, announcing the nationwide bus tour beginning “[t]his Sunday, May 29th.”

More than a few of Palin’s core supporters have grown impatient and confused about her strategy, venting their frustration on Internet fan sites.

Wait, what? “Palin’s core supporters have grown impatient and confused?” Hahaha, that doesn’t even make sense! Everyone knows they’ve never grown anything except maybe their waistlines, and have always been, currently are, and will forever be confused. It’s pretty much a requirement.

As you’d expect America’s most distinguished quitter Sarah Louis Palin is, of course, furious that the awful lamestream media simply assumed she quit her bus tour (because it’s pretty much what she always does) and took to her favoritest Facebook to speak her mind.

“Imagine our surprise when reading media reports today that the “One Nation Tour” has been cancelled. Why didn’t anyone tell me? Oh, wait, that’s because it hasn’t been cancelled. (Good ol’ media… you never cease to amaze!)”

Seriously, when will you media people learn that stopping her “Half Nation” bus tour and returning to Alaska does not mean “quitting.” It means, snowbilly grifters get tired and stressed and need to take a vacation from their vacations sometimes.
Besides, if you nosy bastards must know, Palin was called home for “jury duty,” which is Alaskan for salmon fishing and getting laid.

“As I said myself at the end of the east coast leg of the tour, the summer is long, and I’m looking forward to hitting the open road again. The coming weeks are tight because civic duty calls (like most everyone else, even former governors get called up for jury duty) and I look forward to doing my part just like every other Alaskan.”

“I wouldn’t think it to be such a slow news day that, what with numerous wars and serious economic woes concerning Americans, a bus is driving news stories today. The next leg of the tour continues when the time comes. In the meantime, no one should jump to conclusions – certainly not the media with their long track record of getting things wrong or just making things up.”

That’s Sarah’s job!

Wait, don’t call it a job. If she knew being a talentless, scheming ne’er-do-well who steals attention from hard-working, struggling Americans was in itself a full-time job, she’d just quit that too.

World famous historian and renowned tour guide Sarah Palin continues to crisscross America in a rented tour bus to help bring knowledge (and laughter!) to the nation on her unique, one-woman quest to make history as the first woman to serve as Commander in Chief cause the nation’s collective IQ to drop a couple of points every time she opens her mouth.

Like the truth about Paul Revere’s famous 1775 midnight horseback ride through the countryside to warn fellow patriots Samuel Adams and John Hancock of the British Army’s approach on the eve of the Revolutionary War.

“He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”

Could she be any more brilliant?? I mean seriously, people! Who else but Sarah Louise Palin could know that Paul Revere was actually ridin’ around banging on bells and firing shots into the sky like some tweaky Wasilla meth freak with a semi-automatic and an Iron Maiden t-shirt, all to protect our 2nd Amendment rights which wouldn’t even exist for another 16 years?

The answer is of course, no one! Which is why our favoritest snowbilly grifter was forced to turn to, where else, Fox News to set the record straight and present the real fair and balanced truth, without the liberal lamestream media bias like facts or historical accuracy to screw it all up.

Besides, it’s not like she was wrong on everything. His name was Paul and he did ride a horse! Okay, okay so maybe he was trying to warn Americans that the British were coming. But he was definitely also trying to warn the British and probably their horses too! Trust her, the man was positively hell bent on warning everything in his path!

From the New York Times:

“You know what? I didn’t mess up about Paul Revere,” she said. “In a shout-out, gotcha type of question that was asked of me, I answered candidly. And I know my American history.”

“Here is what Paul Revere did. He warned the Americans that the British were coming, the British were coming, and they were going to try take our arms and we got to make sure that we were protecting ourselves and shoring up all of ammunitions and our firearms so that they couldn’t take it.”

“But remember that the British had already been there, many soldiers for seven years in that area. And part of Paul Revere’s ride — and it wasn’t just one ride — he was a courier, he was a messenger. Part of his ride was to warn the British that we’re already there. That, hey, you’re not going to succeed. You’re not going to take American arms. You are not going to beat our own well-armed persons, individual, private militia that we have. He did warn the British.”

So there you have it. Paul Revere was runnin’ around shriekin’ warnings at anyone who would listen on his secret bus horse ride across the Northeast to save America from the British and secret Muslim terrorist Socialist Presidents tryin’ to take away their machine guns with high capacity magazines.

Oh, and if you’re wondering where the hell Paul Revere was to warn us that Sarah Palin was coming, wonder no more.

He quit his ride half-way through as true heroes do.

Unlike that delicate, sensitive Mississippi flower Haley Barbour or creationist and cream puff-loving minister of cheeseburgers Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin has got what it takes (a low IQ?) to run for president of the United States of Jesus. For one thing, she is more than prepared for the many challenges that lie ahead, not to mention, has tons of experience coming in second place. In fact, it’s the one thing she excels at!

But most importantly, Sarah Louise Palin has that proverbial fire in her belly, meaning there is either some sort of glowing ember of heat burning inside her, desperately making her want to run for president, or First Dude Todd deposited another precious li’l bun in her oven.

“I am so adamantly supportive of the good, traditional things about America. … I want to make sure America is put back on the right track and we will do that by defeating Obama in 2012. I have that fire in my belly,” Sarah Palin told Greta van Susteren.

The former vice presidential nominee said one hurdle is “understanding the huge amount of scrutiny and the sacrifices that have to be made on my children’s part in order to see their mama run for President.”

Like no more unprotected sexytime in the back of Papa’s pickup, got it Bristy? Same goes for you Piper!

But it’s not just the pesky kids who are getting in the way of SarBear’s White House dreams. It’s all the haters in the lamestream media always tryin’ to bait her and her family by askin’ tough, non-yes-or-no-questions, reportin’ on Bristol jivin’ in a gorilla costume on national teevee, and all the other “little, petty, stupid things” they’re always doin.

This makes Mama Grizzly very angry! And as evidenced in the video, tweakier than a methhead in her hometown Wasilla.

“I think its sick, I think its ridiculous. It’s such a waste of time, time is our most precious resource. I’m tired of wasting it.”

Unlike, say, the dime-a-dozen barrels of petroleum fun begging desperately to be freed from their frozen underground cages by some patriot with the skills and sense to wanna drill, baby drill (and spill, baby spill!) all over the Earth’s crust.

Because, even though Mama Grizz wants nothing more than to run for president of the Lower 48, and stick it to all the haters, she has trouble “not taking the bait” from the terrible, awful, no-good, meany liberal lamestream media she’s always ranting about for making her and her ever-growing brood rich and famous, with as many moose piles of money as their frozen hearts desire.

Of course, it’s easy for a nobody like Greta Van Susteren to simply say, “then don’t take the bait” when it’s not her litter of terrible kids getting knocked up in high school, crusading for abstinence via poorly made after school special-like infomercials, joining the Army to avoid jail time for vandalizing a school bus, or getting chin jobs for medical reasons, not because their God-given face wasn’t up to snuff.

Good thing, Sarah and her white hot belly-fire are prepared for that kind of thing.

“I feel like I have a prayer shield in front of me that deflects a lot of that ,” Palin said. “I just want to make sure that for my loved ones, for my parents, for my spouse and my children and those close to me that they have that tool to deflect also so that they’re not adversely affected, so that they can come along on the ride.”

It’s called a semiautomatic machine gun with an extra magazine clip for good measure.

Now all of America can feel the burning in their belly, too. Except theirs will be the kind that comes as a result of having Sarah Palin as leader of the free world.

Sarah Palin/Pepto Bismol 2012!!

Since rich people obviously don’t have to pay taxes in this country we call America (that’s for poor people, silly!), the “haves” and “have-mores” among us must constantly come up with new and creative ways to squander their massive, undeserved fortunes, if only as a gentle reminder how much better, and more well off they are than your pathetic, schlubby working class ass.

Take failed businessman, Donald Trump, for example. His so-called “run” for the White House is such an epic disaster, that in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to divert attention from his own toupee-wearing ineptitude and narcissistic delusions of grandeur, he’s decided to embark on a very sudden, very public quest to (re)discover the mysterious 44th president Barack Hussein Soetoro Obama’s true origins.

Some Socialist WHORE’s womb in deepest darkest Africa??

Good thing at least one fellow unemployed grifter understands and “appreciates” the pressing need to search for publicity self-respect President Obama’s birth certificate in the allegedly “United” state of volcanoes, surfing, and fake presidential anchor babies, Hawaii.

“I appreciate that the Donald wants to spend his resources on something that so interests him and so many Americans,” Sarah Palin told Fox News. “More power to him. He’s not just throwing stones, you know — from the sidelines. He’s digging in there. He’s paying for researchers to know why President Obama would have spent $2 million to not show his birth certificate. So more power to him.”

Indeed! The Donald Trump, you’re hired!

“Well, you know, I think he was born in Hawaii because there was the birth announcement put in the newspaper. But obviously, if there’s something there that the president doesn’t want people to see on that birth certificate,” she said. “Then he seems to go to great lengths to make sure it isn’t shown, and that’s kind of perplexing for a lot of people.”

Especially the retarded special needs ones, who may or may not be running for the once-in-a-lifetime chance to represent the few, the proud, the toothless Birther-Truther-Oather segment of the population before getting humiliated by the very same no-good illegal alien NObama in the general elections.

And although Palin claims that our president was born right here, in her favoritest Jesus blessed Freedomland, she just knows (the North Star told her!) Obama is hiding something. Something dark, something sinister!

But whatever would President Obama be hiding, if not his African birthplace? His secret lady parts? That his real father is Muammar Gaddafi? Or maybe Darth Vader’s Socialist space lizard twin? Point is, nobody knows!

What we do know however is that Donald Trump is no ordinary failed business man who’s too stupid to even figure out how to make money off the multi-million-dollar casino and New York real estate empire he was born into, and spends all his time roasting his D-list celebrity friends and firing desperate, frightened people on cable teevee instead.

But that’s not it! Donald is also creating jobs! Like the cracksquad team of The Apprentice interns he hired not to comb through the luxurious burnt orange colored nest of “hair” resting comfortably atop his head, but rather to comb through freak, obscure Teabagger/Wingnut message boards all day long from the Waikiki Beach Marriott Resort and Spa.

As The Donald told NBC last week, “I have people that have been studying it and they cannot believe what they’re finding.”

Tacky, overpriced glass-and-gold-trim condo buildings, an endless, well-stocked supply of even younger, even hotter new trophy wives, and enough hand sanitizers and instant Donald Trump™ birth certificates to last the next ten disastrous presidential election campaigns.

Haha, and you thought that handsome coif was only to look presidential.

Leading Shakespearean scholar and philosopher of Facebook, Dr. Sarah Louise Palin is very confused about what the dickens is going on over in Liberia, err, Latvia, wait, or was it Libya (she can never remember!), and not just because she’s a stupid snowbilly grifter whose IQ is the same number as the average winter temperature in Wasilla.

Heavens no!

It is simply because during his latest failed attempt to do anything, Barack Hussein Obama refused to say exactly what the U.S. of A is even doing in this weird Muslim country she’s never heard of. Is it a war, an intervention, or as Sarah suspects, some kind of squirmish, which the rest of us can only assume is either a battle to the death between two Earth worms, or a kind of practice-war, a squimmage, of sorts.

All of which Sarah finds so disconcerting that she just had to immediately go on her favoritest Fox News to “refudiate” all the terrible things Barack Obama did or did not say during his God-awful, hoity-toity, nuance-filled, elitist, non-war declaring, pussy address to America.

Wait, what’s this we hear? Sarah did start to feel some of that hopey-changey hogwash NObama is always squawking ‘n squeaking about during that magical moment when he decided to toss in some ridiculous “North Star” metaphor in his speech.

Turns out, this is the exact sort of idiocy Sarah Palin likes.

“The Great North Star, with its abiding light o’er land and sea. A beacon bright!” she squeals in delight, before going off on some weird tangent about the North Star bein’ Alaskan’s GPS system and usin’ it as a guide to stay focused on what really matters. (Making Mount McKinley’s of money?)

Umm, yeah. Not only does Obama have a brand spanking new squirmish on his hands, he’s also starting to talk like Sarah Palin’s even more special needs alter ego, Lou Sarah.

OMG, we’re all sqruewed!

And to think, I always thought squirmish was the sound of some silly squank stomping on the English language!