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Dick Cheney Knows Barack Obama Caused 9/11 Because Of All The Warnings George W. Bush Ignored

Tuesday was the 11-year anniversary of Rudy Giuliani’s 9/11™ and America showed the world it WILL NEVER FORGET!

Except Dick Cheney, who already forgot he was Vice President when the 9/11 attacks happened, because in the 9/11 truth commission that is his mind, he knows George W. Bush kept America safe from terror always and forever, […]

Hurricane Trump Roars Through Florida, Tells Rich Lady Arianna To Huff Off On Twitter

Comic book villain and talking hairpiece The Donald Trump took to the Twitternets to discuss the relative bangability of non-paying, celebrity sideboob blogmaster extraordinaire, Arianna Huffington.

And guess what, Arianna, you’re fired!

Except for beautiful wifeys #1 & #3, women with accents make him sicker than that Socialist negro NOBAMA in the White House.

Which is […]

Pray The Gale Away: Even Hurricane Isaac Wants Nothing To Do With Tampa Or The RNC

A few days ago the decision was made by RNC organizers to employ the Bush Doctrine and preemptively strike down all convention activites on Monday to avoid a potentially disastrous, massive washing-away of the similarly massive eat mor chikin, do les xrsize convention delegate crowd.

I know what you’re thinking. Why on God’s once-green […]

Big Head Tom & The (UN) Monsters In Lubbock County, Texas

Every Republican worth their weight in Texas T-Bones knows there is never, ever, EVER a reason to raise taxes on the good people of these United States of Jesus, so help them God.

Err, except one.

If for some reason that no-good, chocolatey-skinned NOBAMER feller were to win reelection, God forbid, and hand over the sovereignty of […]

GOP Senate Hopeful Todd Akin's So Busy Learning About "Legitimate" Vs. "Illegitimate" Rape, He Forgot To Learn To Be A Legitimate Candidate

Missouri Congressman, GOP Senate candidate, and living proof of the theory of devolution, Todd Akin knows a few things about the female anatomy, particularly when it comes to the magical powers of women’s reproductive systems, which if you didn’t know, are able to transform into vaginal panic rooms in case of emergencies, like rape.

Because while you […]

Rage Against The Machine Rages Against The Machine That Is Paul Ryan

When not condemning the poor and old to a life of never-ending misery, baggy-clothed fitness buff and fiscal sociopath Paul Ryan (R-P90x) is learning the hard way the perils of being an insufferable hypocrite, a walking contradiction, The Man.

Turns out not everyone appreciates Republican VP candidate Paul Ryan’s taste in music, namely Tom Morello, lead […]

Mitt Romney Demands Barack Obama Immediately Suspend His Campaign Because America Deserves Better Than The Truth

OMG, people, did you hear the news? The terrible, no-good, Earth-shattering, game-changing news about Joe Biden saying the word “chains,” which is taboo because it is racist against Mitt Romney and also “divisive” “disgusting” and “not uplifitng,” three things Republicans know absolutely nothing about. Nothing!

Well, well Mittens isn’t going to take this insubordination sitting down. […]

Mitt Romney Picks Fiscal Sociopath, Ayn Rand Fanatic Paul Ryan As His VP; America Shrugs

So there you have it, America.  The moment you’ve been waiting for, the day that Willard “Mitt” Romney finally picked his running mate, the next (non)vice-president of the United States, Rep. Paul Ryan of the great state of Wisconsin.

Hooray!

But just who is this nice young man from down the street who looks like a Boy […]

Anti-Gay Protester Sets Fire To Box Of Cheerios, Bringing New Meaning To The Word "Flamer"

Nothing, I say, nothing says ‘heterosexual’ more than a bronzed man in a pink button down with his sleeves rolled up three-quarters, trying (*and failing) to light a box of “homosexual” Cheerios on fire to protest General Mills’ pro-marriage equality stance, which much like another man, he simply cannot get behind!

“One out of […]

Americans Flock To Chick-Fil-A To Show Their Appreciation Of Adam & Eve And Adult-Onset Diabetes

Howdy, Ame-rik-A! Do you know what special day it is today? Why, it’s Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, when thousands of Real Americans everywhere (but mostly in Real America) waddle, plod, trudge, and motorscoot their supersized behinds to the nearest drive-thru window to stick it to the queers and stuff chicken sandwiches down their throats, for Jesus.

I […]