Bored with their usual antics of deporting frightened Mexican and Mexican-ish looking people and denying ladies sluts access to baby murdering apparatus birth control (yawn!), the fine citizens of Aryanzona have turned their short, sun-scorched attention to another pressing matter: the true birth origins of a certain illegal Socialist, half-black, [...]]]> “I See Brown People!”

Bored with their usual antics of deporting frightened Mexican and Mexican-ish looking people and denying ladies sluts access to baby murdering apparatus birth control (yawn!), the fine citizens of Aryanzona have turned their short, sun-scorched attention to another pressing matter: the true birth origins of a certain illegal Socialist, half-black, possibly alien president, a one Barack Hussein Obama.

Yee-Haw!

The man in charge of running elections, Arizona’s Secretary of Hate, err State, Ken Bennett now says he’s not convinced Barack Obama was really born in the United States and is threatening to keep the president off the ballot in November.

Speaking to conservative Phoenix radio talk show host Mike Broomhead, Bennett said he was following the lead of the state’s eccentric Sheriff Joe Arpaio, a fellow Republican who ordered an investigation into the president’s birth certificate last year and concluded the document released by the White House is a forgery. Bennett said he is now trying to get verification from state officials in Hawaii that the certificate is authentic.

In doing so, Bennett caved to a fringe group of activists and writers who believe in a conspiracy theory that just never seems to die no matter how much proof they get. Hawaiian officials have said time and again that Obama was born there in 1961, yet the theory persists.

Bennett, the state’s No. 2 elected official just below Gov. Jan Brewer (R), said his investigation isn’t personal. He said the reason he started looking into it is because he got more than 1,200 emails asking him to do so after Arpaio’s investigation came out.

Wait, Arizona residents know how to write??

But even though Bennett isn’t convinced Obama was born in America, if he was even born at all, he would like you to know that he isn’t that terrible B-word everyone’s always hurling at him. Other than bastard.

“I’m not a birther. I believe the president was born in Hawaii — or at least I hope he was,” Bennett said on the show. “But my responsibility as secretary of state is to make sure the ballots in Arizona are correct and that those people whose names are on the ballot have met the qualifications for the office they are seeking.”

Light skin, low IQ, limited experience. Ya know, the usual.

Even the crazy love child of the Wicked Witch and the New Jersey Tanning Mom, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, knows the whole birther conspiracy is a bunch of deep-fried bull (testicles).

“It’s just something I believe is leading our country down a path of destruction and it just is not serving any good purpose.”

Unlike say, her signature hunt-down-Messicans-law!

Wel, good thing nothing, be it woman or brain power, is going to stand in Ken’s way!

Mike Broomhead, the radio host, pressed Bennett on what he would do if he didn’t get the right response back from Hawaii.

“If they won’t comply, if they refuse to comply with this, will you remove the president from the ballot? Will you exclude him from the ballot?”

“That’s possible,” Bennett said. “Or the other option would be I would ask all of candidates, including the president, maybe to submit a certified copy of their birth certificate. But I don’t want to do that.”

Of course not! After all, the other candidates are white.

[image via Gawker]

If there’s one thing America simply cannot get enough of, it is the rich, racist, radical Kentucky-fried-son-of-a-wingnut whose not-so-evolved views on homosexuality and civil rights make even his ancient cryptkeeper father, Papa Ron, seem normal by comparison.

Almost.

Good thing Rand Paul will do whatever it takes, blurt whatever comes out of his big, white power [...]]]>

If there’s one thing America simply cannot get enough of, it is the rich, racist, radical Kentucky-fried-son-of-a-wingnut whose not-so-evolved views on homosexuality and civil rights make even his ancient cryptkeeper father, Papa Ron, seem normal by comparison.

Almost.

Good thing Rand Paul will do whatever it takes, blurt whatever comes out of his big, white power mouth to avoid slipping ever closer to that scary, dangerous place (called the 21st century) where black people have rights, women are more than tits in a skirt, and homosexuals are more than just the sweaty, gyrating, chiseled physiques that haunt Rand Paul’s dreams whenever he closes his eyes.

Bein’ so straight, white and Christian must be hard!

Why not get a (non-gay) load off your chest and tell us about it, Rand?

“The president recently weighed in on marriage and you know he said his views were evolving on marriage.”

HAWHAWHAW, imagine that! A sentient being adapting in order to survive and thrive in a constantly-changing environment? Yeah, try telling that to the Dodo bird and the Republican Party!

“Call me cynical, but I wasn’t sure his views on marriage could get any gayer,” he said, drawing laughs from the crowd.

How about we just call you “asshole” instead?

“It did kind of bother me though that [Obama] used the justification for it in a biblical reference,” Paul continued, as did the laughter. “He said the biblical golden rule caused him to be for gay marriage. And I’m like, ‘what version of the Bible is he reading?’

OMG, probably the Queen James version??

“… I don’t know what version he’s getting it from.”

Me neither, but either way, he’s most certainly getting it from the rear.

He continued: “Now that doesn’t mean we need to be harsh and mean and hate people…”

Though by all means, feel free!

“But that doesn’t mean that we have to go ahead and give up our traditions. We’ve got 6,000 years of tradition.”

Hunting, gathering, slaying of the first born, bloodletting, witch hunts, crucifixtion, crusades, forced conversions, black plagues, beheadings, torture, stoning, slavery, rape, genocide, famine, near-constant war, chaos, disease, nuclear bombs,  and of course the nuclear family of one doomsday prepping man plus one doomsday prepping woman plus one and a half kids plus one pet, all crammed in an underground bunker like Jesus intended.

Saying it was time for traditionalists to stand together to “save the Republic” and that the traditional family unit needed to be defended, Paul declared, “The family is a really important thing. We shouldn’t just give up on it.”

We should spend every waking moment trying to destroy it, so abused and neglected foster children can be spared the horrors of living in a loving household with Adam and Steve and go back to the loveless orphanage where they belong.

“We’ve introduced the Life at Conception Act, the Pro-Life Act, the No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act, the Child Interstate Abortion Notification Act, I’m also co-sponsor of the Human Life Amendment,” Paul said. “I’ve also been trying to defund Planned Parenthood. Anybody here for that?”

Aww hells yeah! If you’ve got a dick, but don’t know dick about pushing a child through a vaginal canal, and care about life more than anything in the whole wide world (until it’s actually born), then the Rand Paul Devolution is for you!

Remember, Rand Paul will stand up for your rights by stomping on everyone else’s, including any dumb broad stupid enough to be a lesbian and protest outside a Rand Paul rally.

Because two wrongs don’t make a right. They make a Rand.

Michele, my (liberty) belle. How nice it must be to live in an alternate dimension, one where sexy, straight-as-pray-the-gay-away homosexual conversion therapists make the perfect hubbies (not to mention personal stylists!) and loony, pill-popping, Migraine-suffering (and inducing!), unhinged gaffe-magnets come thisclose to winning the Republican nomination courtesy of their near-flawless campaign.

Ignorance Psychosis is bliss, [...]]]>

Michele, my (liberty) belle. How nice it must be to live in an alternate dimension, one where sexy, straight-as-pray-the-gay-away homosexual conversion therapists make the perfect hubbies (not to mention personal stylists!) and loony, pill-popping, Migraine-suffering (and inducing!), unhinged gaffe-magnets come thisclose to winning the Republican nomination courtesy of their near-flawless campaign.

Ignorance Psychosis is bliss, my friends!

Good thing in Michele’s reality-defying fantasy land beyond the fourth dimension, let’s call it Bachmanndu, she is already President and doesn’t have to worry about the awful lamestream media sabotaging her heroic campaign efforts by covering every mindblowingly dumb thing she says and does.

But on Earth? Well that’s a different story altogether!

Speaking to Christian Broadcasting Network host David Brody, Bachmann explains how her “extremely careful” and “almost mistake-free” campaign was doomed by the vast liberal media conspiracy known as reality.

Via The Hill:

Michele Bachmann: I think one thing I learned is a person has to be extremely careful with what they say. Make sure you have Elvis Presley’s birthday down, because that’s very important, and know where John Wayne was born. Those are two extremely important pieces of information.

David Brody: Oh, the media loves to beat everybody up.

Michele Bachmann: What they focus on is kind of amazing, when it looks like the house is burning down around us, that’s what they care about.

David Brody: You ran pretty much an impeccable campaign, in terms of a mistake-free campaign.

Michele Bachmann: Thank you, it really was.

David Brody: It pretty much was.

Bachmann: It really was, we were extremely careful, and we were almost mistake-free, but for those two points, Elvis Presley’s birthday and John Wayne’s birthplace. I’ve apologized, and we moved beyond.

I mean, big deal. Serial killers, tough guy actors, what’s the difference? Confusing the joyous birth of rock legend Elvis Presley with the 34th anniversary of his untimely prescription drug abusing death? Who hasn’t??

Besides, she already made up for that by using her sacred one man-one woman union to Marcus as tribute to the King’s favorite indulgence, fluffer nutter sandwiches. Can you guess which one’s the fluffer and which one’s the nutter?

Oh, and there’s also that time Michele made even Rick Perry look semi-intelligent by claiming a cancer vaccine makes girls “suffer retardation.”  As opposed to say, listening to Michele Bachmann.

Or when Michele signed that wingnut pledge vowing to fight evil gay marriage by marrying one herself and take America back(wards) to the good ol’ days when enslaved black children could dream of one day being free, not leader of the free world.

Alas, all good things must come to an end, so Bachmann returned to the campaign trail to face the bleak, medicated reality and formally endorse Mitt Romney.

“I am honored … to lend my voice and my endorsement to Mitt Romney as our president to take the country back.”

After all, thanks to Marcus, she has more than enough experience on taking things from behind!

[image via Wonkette]

Oh no-zees! Looks like the constant spew of homophobic outrage from the strictly heterosexual, not-at-all-suspiciously-anal-sex-obsessed closet cases on the right over Mitt Romney’s hiring of an openly gay campaign adviser has worked its wondrous, sodomite-busting charms.

Apparently, the yelling was so loud about Mittens’ decision to hire a known homosexual to advise him on the GOP’s [...]]]>

Oh no-zees! Looks like the constant spew of homophobic outrage from the strictly heterosexual, not-at-all-suspiciously-anal-sex-obsessed closet cases on the right over Mitt Romney’s hiring of an openly gay campaign adviser has worked its wondrous, sodomite-busting charms.

Apparently, the yelling was so loud about Mittens’ decision to hire a known homosexual to advise him on the GOP’s favorite pastime, the manliest of manly activities, protracted bloody wars, that the homosexual adviser in question Richard Grenell was forced to resign. You know, Mitt has very delicate eardrums!

So with all the forceful determination you’d expect from a man with the backbone of a gelatinous blobfish, Mitt Romney nobly defended his staffer and responded to the uproar by stashing Grenell in the closet and praying the whole thing would just go away. Sort of like poor people.

From the Washington Post:

GRENELL: I have decided to resign from the Romney campaign as the Foreign Policy and National Security Spokesman. While I welcomed the challenge to confront President Obama’s foreign policy failures and weak leadership on the world stage, my ability to speak clearly and forcefully on the issues has been greatly diminished by the hyper-partisan discussion of personal issues that sometimes comes from a presidential campaign.

Sometimes. Like when that presidential campaign is Republican and involves anyone not constantly trolling for the nearest hot tits in a skirt to receive his man seed, like the good Lord intended.

I want to thank Governor Romney for his belief in me and my abilities and his clear message to me that being openly gay was a non-issue for him and his team.

Such a non-issue in fact that no one dare mention his terrible affliction so help them God.

“Officials from the Romney campaign and respected Republicans not on the campaign contacted Ric Grenell over the weekend in an attempt to persuade him not to leave the campaign. Grenell was upset that there was no public statement of support for him by the campaign and no supportive social conservatives were enlisted to calm the waters.”

Where the F is Moses when you need him?

“We are disappointed that Ric decided to resign from the campaign for his own personal reasons,” Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades said in a statement. “We wanted him to stay because he had superior qualifications for the position he was hired to fill.”

What?? They always thought gay people loved getting bent over and screwed from behind!

[image via Examiner]

Supreme asshole and constant reminder of all that is wrong with our nation’s legal system, Justice Antonin Scalia did not disappoint in his latest opportunity to ruin America with terrible legislation aimed at those least able to defend themselves: the terrible, no good Mexicans.

You see, Scalia has never met a bad law he didn’t like, [...]]]>

Supreme asshole and constant reminder of all that is wrong with our nation’s legal system, Justice Antonin Scalia did not disappoint in his latest opportunity to ruin America with terrible legislation aimed at those least able to defend themselves: the terrible, no good Mexicans.

You see, Scalia has never met a bad law he didn’t like, or for that matter, a brown person he did like, which is why it comes as no surprise that the Supreme Court’s Supreme Dick is simply smitten (but not in a gross gay way) with Aryanzona’s “Let’s have a Mexican-hunting party” SB 1070 law, making brown skin illegal unless it is on Jan Brewer and comes from the nearest electric tanning bed.

And why not? Scalia has always loved hunting (small game, small children, whatever), not to mention Antonin knows illegal immigrants are pretty much the same as bank robbers, in that they are constantly stealing money by working long, grueling hours at below-standard wages.

From TPM:

In his fervent defense Wednesday of Arizona’s right to crack down on illegal immigration, Justice Antonin Scalia likened immigration enforcement to crackdowns on bank robbers.

“What’s wrong about the states enforcing federal law?” Scalia said during his aggressive questioning of U.S. Solicitor General Donald Verrilli. “There is a federal law against robbing federal banks. Can it be made a state crime to rob those banks? I think it is.”

The Reagan-appointed justice mocked the Obama administration’s argument that S.B. 1070 unconstitutionally forces the federal government to re-prioritize its enforcement resources and go after undocumented people who are not dangerous.

“But does the attorney general come in and say, you know, we might really only want to go after the professional bank robbers?” Scalia said. “If it’s just an amateur bank robber, you know, we’re going to let it go. And the state’s interfering with our whole scheme here because it’s prosecuting all these bank robbers.”

The line drew uncomfortable laughter and some gasps in the courtroom. It’s the sort of analogy that makes it easier for immigrant-rights advocates to accuse their opponents of lacking humanity. The vast majority of undocumented immigrants, advocates often have to point out, are not criminals and are merely trying to make a living for themselves and their families.

You mean immigrants have regular people feelings? Gasp! So much for the perks of being an alien.

Besides, what’s an “amateur bank robber” anyway? Oh right, the kind that sneaks into your financial institution and washes the dishes in the back with the rest of the underpaid employees instead of breaking open the vault and holding the place hostage, with promises of water refills and cloth wrapped utensils? Makes total sense now.

Angela Kelley, an immigration policy expert at the liberal Center for American Progress, said Scalia’s analogy is also wrong.

“Justice Scalia is funny but his analogy is false. As a justice, he knows that there are things only the federal government can do, things the states can do and some things both can do. In this case only the feds can deport unauthorized immigrants. In the case of bank robbers, either the states or the feds can arrest, prosecute and jail them. I don’t think Justice Scalia is advocating for each of the 50 states to start deportation programs.”

Of course not! He is advocating for each of the 50 states to start execution programs, silly!

“What does sovereignty mean if it does not include the ability to defend your borders? The states can police their borders,” Scalia said, suggesting that the White House opposes S.B. 1070 because it “doesn’t want [immigration] law enforced so rigorously, and that preempts the state from enforcing it vigorously.”

When Verrilli argued that international concerns factor into the federal government’s supremacy over immigration policy, Scalia angrily interrupted, “So we have to enforce our laws in a manner that will please Mexico. Is that what you’re saying?”

¡Ay dios mio! ¿Cómo se dice, “sociopath” en español?

Oh yeah, Scalia.

[image via TPM]

While Virginia Republican and self-hating Heeb Eric Cantor was coyly suggesting there might, might be a slight anti-semitism problem among House GOP members (you don’t say!?), fellow Republican wingnut from Virginia’s parasitic hell twin to the West, John Raese, was busy proving it by comparing his need to fill his lungs with Marlboro [...]]]>

While Virginia Republican and self-hating Heeb Eric Cantor was coyly suggesting there might, might be a slight anti-semitism problem among House GOP members (you don’t say!?), fellow Republican wingnut from Virginia’s parasitic hell twin to the West, John Raese, was busy proving it by comparing his need to fill his lungs with Marlboro Menthols to Hitler singling out the hapless Jews for extermination. Happy Dang Holocaust Remembrance Day, Jews!

Never Again will Big Bad Gubmint tell John Raese what (or who) he can light on fire!

“I don’t want government telling me what I can do and what I can’t do because I’m an American.  But in Monongalia County [West Virginia] you can’t smoke a cigarette, you can’t smoke a cigar, you can’t do anything.  And I oppose that because I believe in everybody’s individual freedoms and everybody’s individual rights to do what they want to do and I’m a conservative and that’s the way that goes.”

Well, except when it comes to dumb women and their bodies because those sweet pieces of ass can’t be trusted to do anything for themselves except maybe have dinner ready when daddy comes home and that’s just the way that goes.

“But in Monongalia County now, I have to put a huge sticker on my buildings to say this is a smoke free environment.  This is brought to you by the government of Monongalia County.  Ok?”

Umm, okay?

“Remember Hitler used to put Star of David on everybody’s lapel, remember that?  Same thing.”

OMG totes! Except cigarettes don’t usually scream when turned into ashes.

Surely, Raese didn’t mean to be offensive or anything like that. Perhaps it was a momentary lapse of judgement caused by a prolonged lack of nicotine to the brain? Everyone makes mistakes!

“No, this is not a standard line, nor a misstatement.  It is a loss of freedom,” Raese said. “As Ronald Reagan once said, there is no such thing as partial freedom, there is only freedom.”

Which in the Republican Party apparently includes the freedom to be a bigoted asshole.

Guess in West Virginia, there is no such thing as a partial racist, there is only John Raese(ist).

Kinda how there is no such thing as a Jewish Republican, there is only Eric Cantor.

Oy vey.

Huntin’ For Freedom & Jews!

[image via raeseforsenate.org]

Dick Cheney may finally have a heart, but you sure wouldn’t know it by listening to the man, the machine, the medical mutation known as former Vice President of Hell Dick Cheney.

He’s so excited about joining the rest of the human race in possessing an actual blood pumping organ made from muscle not [...]]]>

Dick Cheney may finally have a heart, but you sure wouldn’t know it by listening to the man, the machine, the medical mutation known as former Vice President of Hell Dick Cheney.

He’s so excited about joining the rest of the human race in possessing an actual blood pumping organ made from muscle not 9 volt batteries, that he simply could not wait to tell the world of the darkness that is inside it.

SoDick did what any normal machine/human hybrid would do once they were released from life saving surgery, and that is, of course to show up at the Republican state convention in Wyoming to try to scare the bejesus out of anyone with a working heart but not so functional brain.

RealClearPolitics reports:

Former Vice President Dick Cheney walked onstage without any assistance and spoke for an hour and 15 minutes without seeming to tire in his first public engagement since he underwent a heart transplant three weeks ago.

The new and improved Heart 2.0!!

“He has been an unmitigated disaster to the country,” Cheney said of President Barack Obama.

Unlike, say, his glorious 8-year reign of war and terror?

“I can’t think of a time when I felt it was more important for us to defeat an incumbent president today with respect to Barack Obama.”

Of course you can’t Dick! You’ve been in a freakin’ coma for the past few months.  Either that, or the doctors accidentally also removed the pre-frontal lobe of your brain along with Heart 1.0.

“I think he has been an unmitigated disaster to the country.”

I think you said that already Dick.

“I think to be in a position where he gets four more years in the White House to continue the policies he has, both with respect to the economy, and tax policy, and defense and some other areas would be a huge, huge disappointment.”

Almost as disappointing as the world’s biggest Dick & worst vice president in history waiting until five years after he was out of office to get a heart.

And much like that other, hideous Tell-Tale Heart, Dick Cheney’s won’t shut the f up either.

When not gobbling down Jersey Mike’s subs or helicoptering his hefty load from his Grand Canyon-sized couch to the nearest corrupt, corporate-sponsored, rich person’s bitchfest, New Jersey Gov. of Mass Chris Christie took a moment to warn the good people of AmeriCANT what happens when Uncle Sam meets La-Z-Boy. Other than a bunch of [...]]]>

When not gobbling down Jersey Mike’s subs or helicoptering his hefty load from his Grand Canyon-sized couch to the nearest corrupt, corporate-sponsored, rich person’s bitchfest, New Jersey Gov. of Mass Chris Christie took a moment to warn the good people of AmeriCANT what happens when Uncle Sam meets La-Z-Boy. Other than a bunch of crumbs.

“I’ve never seen a less optimistic time in my lifetime in this country. And people wonder why. I think it’s really simple: It’s because government’s now telling them to stop dreaming, stop striving, we’ll take care of you. We’re turning into a paternalistic entitlement society. That will not just bankrupt us financially; it will bankrupt us morally.”

Yeah, whatever you say Big Daddy. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll take my big, fat check for speaking to you lazy, good-for-nothing freeloaders please.

“When the American people no longer believe that this is a place where only their willingness to work hard and to act with honor and integrity and ingenuity determines their success in life, then we’ll have a bunch of people sitting on a couch waiting for their next government check.”

But on the bright side, at least we got Snuggies out of it, amiright?

Hell, even lazy, no-good couch potatoes need to move sometimes. Waiting around doing nothing can be soooo exhausting!

Surely, Chris Christie can relate to that!

“The governor was very active during the show,” one concert-goer told the New York Post. “Bruce started talking about ‘supporting food banks in New York and New Jersey,’ and ‘how people have been hit hard,’ and Christie was riveted. Then Bruce performed ‘Rocky Ground,’ and Christie visibly started fading.”

Well excuuuuuuse him if he mistook ‘Rocky Ground’ for ‘Rocky Road’ and automatically slipped into a delicious chocolate-marshmallow-and-nut induced slumber.

Perhaps his blood sugar is low or maybe it’s all the MSG?

After all, shrinking government is a hell of a lot easier than shrinking Chris Christie. Just ask the man.

Once he wakes up from dreamland. No, not his Springsteen snooze time, silly! That other, consciousness-free realm where a morbidly obese bully, who only tolerates poor when it comes sandwiched between shrimp and boy, will ever win the White House.

Besides, he strikes me as more of a White Castle guy anyway.

[image via AP]

Here’s Rick, err make that “Rooster” Santorum back when he was manager of his high school baseball team, presumably so he could smack hot, sweaty asses and shout “hit the showers” after every game.

And by the looks of it, the dude got even less pussy than we already suspected. Which pretty [...]]]>

Oh so that explains it.

Here’s Rick, err make that “Rooster” Santorum back when he was manager of his high school baseball team, presumably so he could smack hot, sweaty asses and shout “hit the showers” after every game.

And by the looks of it, the dude got even less pussy than we already suspected. Which pretty much answers all questions about the man the myth the stiff in a sweater vest who hates vagina almost as much as the emotionally fragile, money sucking, space wasting, needy trainwrecks attached to them.

But why “Rooster” you ask? Isn’t it obvious? The dude loves cocks!

[image via BuzzFeed]

Sure they may live in [...]]]>

Rick Santorum took a break from his usual spewing nonsense about the dangers of rubbing unmarried loins together and letting silly women make important choices about their own deviant bodies to offend another oft-persecuted group of people, the scary foreign-tongued Mexicans.

Sure they may live in Puerto Rico and speak English, but that didn’t stop SeñorDouchebag from explaining to them in good, proper American English that if they want statehood, they must speak the language of prosperity and patriots instead of tilde “ghetto” crap.

¿Comprende amigos?

“Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law,” Santorum said. “And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language.”

Otherwise you become a multi-lingual whore like that hula slut Hawaii and have bastard sons who go on to become half-black, illegal Presidents of the United States of Socialism.

Not like Hawaii is a state or even part of America. Because if it were, B. Hussein Obama would be a natural-born citizen and Rick Santorum wouldn’t be forced to insult entire island territories/self-governing commonwealths (or whatever the hell Puerto Rico is) by pulling a bunch of made-up shit out of his pasty-white (English-only) ass.

However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.

Oh. So, apparently Rick Santorum knows as much about the Constitution as his wife does about orgasms.

Luckily “Santorum” means the same thing in every language.

¡Ay, caramba!