Whoopsies!

You see, to [...]]]>

Ah Mittens. Fresh off a most undeserved and uninspired victory over a gelatinous blob of ethical lapses and abandoned wives in the Florida Republican primary, Willard “Mitt” Romney proceeded to promptly squander all momentum and break the Golden Rule of presidential politics: pretend not to be the cold, heartless, asshole you really are.

Whoopsies!

You see, to billionaire everyman Mitt Romney, poor people are like unicorns. He’s heard of them, but never actually seen one. (Or at least not in the wilds of Massachusetts’ gated communities).

Which is probably why Mittens continued the ill-advised practice of opening up his awful rich person’s mouth and letting words flow forth like sister-wives to the altar, terrifying Soledad O’Brien and the half-dozen or so other people actually watching CNN.

“I’m in this race because I care about Americans,” Mitt said. “I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair I’ll fix it.”

And if the handyman he held his nose while hiring can’t get the job done (ugh, dumb poors!), he’ll move on to his next favorite activity: firing people.

But since Mitt is clearly not concerned about the gross poors (the free market will take care of them), what exactly is he concerned about? (Just kidding! We know he really doesn’t care about anybody).

“I’m not concerned about the very rich; they’re doing just fine.” (Just fine, indeed, wink wink!). “I’m concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling…We will hear from the Democrat party on the plight of the poor and there’s no question, it’s not good being poor (he’s never really thought about it, but he’ll take their word for it!), and we have a safety net to help those that are very poor.”

And what a fine safety net it is! Manufactured in China by NetCo, LLC, a subsidiary of Bain Capital, and strong enough to catch a full-grown man plunging to the bottom in a dizzying self-induced freefall from the high horse he’s permanently perched upon.

So that’s what they mean about wealth trickling down!

[image via AP]

Here’s Mama Grizz herself [...]]]>

Former reality teevee star and failed vice-president, governor, political pundit, mother, grifter, fame whore, EVERYTHING, Sarah Palin, took a break from the usual Facebook trolling and illiterate Tweeting to continue her bizarre quest endorsing Newt Gingrich because of some on-again, off-again, leftist hard rock band from the ’90s. Or something like that.

Here’s Mama Grizz herself telling resident Fox News muppet and Fran Drescher wannabe Jeanine Pirro all the wonderful reasons why Newt Gingrich is the right man, not machine, for the job.

“When both party machines and many in the media are trying to crucify Newt Gingrich for bucking the tide and bucking the establishment that tells you something.”

It does?? Like that he’ll buck just about anything, including his cancer and MS-stricken wives, respectively?

Urging people to “rage against the machine,” Palin continued, “Vote for Newt. Annoy a liberal. Vote Newt. Keep this vetting process going, keep the debate going.”

You hear that people? Keep the debate going! Right into the gutter. It’s fun, plus you get to RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE and ANNOY A LIBERAL, all in one fell swoop, err, make that one fell Newt!

Because nothing would annoy (and by annoy, we of course mean, delight) liberals more than the good people of Florida voting a thrice married, twice divorced, faux intelligent, serial adultering, shamelessly amoral huckster who may or may not have secretly promised Sarah Palin a cabinet position in his fantasy moon colony, the winner of the Florida Republican primary.

NOTHING! Well, except maybe Zack de la Rocha and Tom Morello spitting rhymes and shredding chords at this year’s Coachella in honor of everyone’s fave mooniacs, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin.

With a special set-list including such hits as:

Bull(shit) On Parade
People Of The Sun Moon
Sleep Now In The (Eternal Hell) Fire
Killing In The Name (of Jesus Christ)
No Shelter (for Mexicans)
(Dead) Guerrilla Radio
How I Could Just Kill a Man (with a 9mm Hollow-Point Bullet)
FreeDUMB
Testify (Against a Liberal Activist Judge)
Renegades of DysFunktion
Vietnow (and Forever)

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, Florida people.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection [...]]]>

New (Old) Flavor of the Month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:

• A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”

• “Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.

• “Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report.

• “Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.

• “AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”

• “[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.

• “[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”

OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.

Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most “frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race” charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.

From the AP:

But Paul’s congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he’s the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.

“The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts,” Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.

Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to ‘em!

But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.

Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how “every little bit counts” and “you have to start somewhere” should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can’t even afford to be on Ron’s side of the curtain divider.

Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.

Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he’d go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam’s coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.

Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, “Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!”

[image via AP]

As if crazed crypt keeper/Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul and his fantasy vision of a post-apocalyptic American wasteland of small government and even smaller minds wasn’t scary enough (umm, need I mention Rand?), the man who makes John McCain look young and stable by comparison went out and found himself [...]]]>

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

As if crazed crypt keeper/Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul and his fantasy vision of a post-apocalyptic American wasteland of small government and even smaller minds wasn’t scary enough (umm, need I mention Rand?), the man who makes John McCain look young and stable by comparison went out and found himself the perfect foil to his own feeble, decrepit self: a real live freaking giant!

The preferred wingnut accompaniment to any second place victory speech, New Hampshire or elsewhere! Plus, what better way to return to the glorious gold standard and roving bands of toothless, heavily armed cannibals that is Ron Paul’s America than your own personal workhorse, extra large enforcer, skilled beanstalk climber, portable chair lift, and ready-made meal, in case of emergency, like say a Ron Paul presidency. Cause you know it’s not just muscle on those jumbo size bones!

So hooray for Ron Paul, who is either running for President of the United States or embarking on an epic journey to destroy a magic ring by throwing it in a volcano where it was forged.

Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! Libs and poors are the worst kind of scum!

That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind for Ron Paul. See, anything really is possible! Except a Ron Paul victory, or, apparently, a Ron Paul supporter with normal human characteristics, be it limb size or empathy.

Ron Paul/Fezzik 2012!

[images via Buzz Feed]

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun ‘n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, [...]]]>

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun ‘n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama “assassination jokes.”

So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole “college education” thing doesn’t work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children’s coloring books?

Although, to be fair, I’m pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America’s premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!

Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn’t just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It’s also for racial stereotyping, Cassie’s (and apparently all College Republicans’) all-time favorite activity on Earth.

On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”

Ah yes, tomorrow’s leaders.

My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I’m white?
I’ve got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla

#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ

Messed up world? GTFO!

No, seriously. The whole state. Please.

[image via Gawker]

It’s been awhile since one of America’s fabulous, self-loathing, Republican closet cases accidentally outed himself by getting caught in some secret gay sexytime scandal (we’re talking months here!), until a dandy Southern gent/failed Congressional candidate/wingnut mayor of Southaven, Mississippi by the name of Greg Davis forgot about [...]]]>

Finally, a Christmas story we can all get behind!

It’s been awhile since one of America’s fabulous, self-loathing, Republican closet cases accidentally outed himself by getting caught in some secret gay sexytime scandal (we’re talking months here!), until a dandy Southern gent/failed Congressional candidate/wingnut mayor of Southaven, Mississippi by the name of Greg Davis forgot about a little thing called cash (and public records!) and decided to go on his wild, taxpayer-funded $170,000 shopping spree in booze, fancy meals, and gay sex shops in Canada using his very traceable, very public, city-issued credit card.

Ooopsies!

The sexytime freebies lasted until a bunch of lame, fun-hating auditors noticed there were, uh, five hundred pages of receipts for the mayor’s extracurricular activities and decided to have a look-see at his credit card expenditures. Uh Oh! Umm, yeah let’s try this again, meet Greg Davis, the formerly-closeted gay, formerly-employed former mayor who has never heard of cash or considered that purchasing frivolous fish dinners and frisky sex toys on the public dime is still a crime, albeit a slightly embarrassing one.

From the Commercial Appeal newspaper:

“At this point in my life and in my career, while I have tried to maintain separation between my personal and public life, it is obvious that this can no longer remain the case,” Davis said at his Southaven home. “While I have performed my job as mayor, in my opinion, as a very conservative, progressive individual [Ed note: Huh?] — and still continue to be a very conservative individual — I think that it is important that I discuss the struggles I have had over the last few years when I came to the realization that I am gay.”

Which pales in comparison to the struggles he’s had over the realization that he’s also a generous tipper, which breaks the GOP (Gay One Percenters’) cardinal rule of treating other people in the exact opposite way as you’d want to be treated yourself.

“[D]uring a dinner for legislators and attorneys at the Mint Restaurant in Ridgeland, Miss., Davis left a $1,000 tip on a $2,509.43 bill that included two bottles of Opus One wine for $415 each.”

OMG, so not only is Greg Davis a total homo, but he’s also doling out huge tips to the servers of his fancy meals, like some one-man bleeding-heart liberal secret welfare program for America’s beleaguered food service industry workers?

Ugh, what’s next, charity work for the poor or something gross like that?

The auditor’s office confirmed that Davis billed the city for the $67 purchase at Priape, which describes itself on its website as “Canada’s premiere gay lifestyle store and sex shop.”

As for the receipts, Davis, a Republican who ran unsuccessfully for Congress in 2008 on a conservative, family-values platform, said he couldn’t discuss specifics on the advice of his attorney.

And also because of the replica Ron Jeremy Dong in his mouth.

But don’t worry, Mr. Mayor. It gets better!

After all, prison couldn’t really be worse than Mississippi could it?

[image via AP]