Democralypse Now - The Comically Screwed State Of Politics, In Small, Easy-To-Swallow Bites » Racism

Obama May Not Make The Ballot In Arizona Because Arizona Doesn’t Need A Reason To Be The Dumb, Racist, Backwater Hellhole Everyone Is Embarrassed Of

imissamerica — Tue, 22 May 2012 05:00:22 +0000

“I See Brown People!”

Bored with their usual antics of deporting frightened Mexican and Mexican-ish looking people and denying ~~ladies~~ sluts access to ~~baby murdering apparatus~~ birth control (yawn!), the fine citizens of Aryanzona have turned their short, sun-scorched attention to another pressing matter: the true birth origins of a certain illegal Socialist, half-black, possibly alien president, a one Barack Hussein Obama.

Yee-Haw!

The man in charge of running elections, Arizona’s Secretary of Hate, err State, Ken Bennett now says he’s not convinced Barack Obama was really born in the United States and is threatening to keep the president off the ballot in November.

Speaking to conservative Phoenix radio talk show host Mike Broomhead, Bennett said he was following the lead of the state’s eccentric Sheriff Joe Arpaio, a fellow Republican who ordered an investigation into the president’s birth certificate last year and concluded the document released by the White House is a forgery. Bennett said he is now trying to get verification from state officials in Hawaii that the certificate is authentic.

In doing so, Bennett caved to a fringe group of activists and writers who believe in a conspiracy theory that just never seems to die no matter how much proof they get. Hawaiian officials have said time and again that Obama was born there in 1961, yet the theory persists.

Bennett, the state’s No. 2 elected official just below Gov. Jan Brewer (R), said his investigation isn’t personal. He said the reason he started looking into it is because he got more than 1,200 emails asking him to do so after Arpaio’s investigation came out.

Wait, Arizona residents know how to write??

But even though Bennett isn’t convinced Obama was born in America, if he was even born at all, he would like you to know that he isn’t that terrible B-word everyone’s always hurling at him. Other than bastard.

“I’m not a birther. I believe the president was born in Hawaii — or at least I hope he was,” Bennett said on the show. “But my responsibility as secretary of state is to make sure the ballots in Arizona are correct and that those people whose names are on the ballot have met the qualifications for the office they are seeking.”

Light skin, low IQ, limited experience. Ya know, the usual.

Even the crazy love child of the Wicked Witch and the New Jersey Tanning Mom, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, knows the whole birther conspiracy is a bunch of deep-fried bull (testicles).

“It’s just something I believe is leading our country down a path of destruction and it just is not serving any good purpose.”

Unlike say, her signature hunt-down-Messicans-law!

Wel, good thing nothing, be it woman or brain power, is going to stand in Ken’s way!

Mike Broomhead, the radio host, pressed Bennett on what he would do if he didn’t get the right response back from Hawaii.

“If they won’t comply, if they refuse to comply with this, will you remove the president from the ballot? Will you exclude him from the ballot?”

“That’s possible,” Bennett said. “Or the other option would be I would ask all of candidates, including the president, maybe to submit a certified copy of their birth certificate. But I don’t want to do that.”

Of course not! After all, the other candidates are white.

[image via Gawker]

Rand Paul Doesn’t Think Obama’s Views On Marriage Could Get Any Gayer, Much Like His Skin Color Couldn’t Get Any Blacker

imissamerica — Tue, 15 May 2012 05:00:02 +0000

If there’s one thing America simply cannot get enough of, it is the rich, racist, radical Kentucky-fried-son-of-a-wingnut whose not-so-evolved views on homosexuality and civil rights make even his ancient cryptkeeper father, Papa Ron, seem normal by comparison.

Almost.

Good thing Rand Paul will do whatever it takes, blurt whatever comes out of his big, white power mouth to avoid slipping ever closer to that scary, dangerous place (called the 21st century) where black people have rights, women are more than tits in a skirt, and homosexuals are more than just the sweaty, gyrating, chiseled physiques that haunt Rand Paul’s dreams whenever he closes his eyes.

Bein’ so straight, white and Christian must be hard!

Why not get a (non-gay) load off your chest and tell us about it, Rand?

“The president recently weighed in on marriage and you know he said his views were evolving on marriage.”

HAWHAWHAW, imagine that! A sentient being adapting in order to survive and thrive in a constantly-changing environment? Yeah, try telling that to the Dodo bird and the Republican Party!

“Call me cynical, but I wasn’t sure his views on marriage could get any gayer,” he said, drawing laughs from the crowd.

How about we just call you “asshole” instead?

“It did kind of bother me though that [Obama] used the justification for it in a biblical reference,” Paul continued, as did the laughter. “He said the biblical golden rule caused him to be for gay marriage. And I’m like, ‘what version of the Bible is he reading?’

OMG, probably the Queen James version??

“… I don’t know what version he’s getting it from.”

Me neither, but either way, he’s most certainly getting it from the rear.

He continued: “Now that doesn’t mean we need to be harsh and mean and hate people…”

Though by all means, feel free!

“But that doesn’t mean that we have to go ahead and give up our traditions. We’ve got 6,000 years of tradition.”

Hunting, gathering, slaying of the first born, bloodletting, witch hunts, crucifixtion, crusades, forced conversions, black plagues, beheadings, torture, stoning, slavery, rape, genocide, famine, near-constant war, chaos, disease, nuclear bombs, and of course the nuclear family of one doomsday prepping man plus one doomsday prepping woman plus one and a half kids plus one pet, all crammed in an underground bunker like Jesus intended.

Saying it was time for traditionalists to stand together to “save the Republic” and that the traditional family unit needed to be defended, Paul declared, “The family is a really important thing. We shouldn’t just give up on it.”

We should spend every waking moment trying to destroy it, so abused and neglected foster children can be spared the horrors of living in a loving household with Adam and Steve and go back to the loveless orphanage where they belong.

“We’ve introduced the Life at Conception Act, the Pro-Life Act, the No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act, the Child Interstate Abortion Notification Act, I’m also co-sponsor of the Human Life Amendment,” Paul said. “I’ve also been trying to defund Planned Parenthood. Anybody here for that?”

Aww hells yeah! If you’ve got a dick, but don’t know dick about pushing a child through a vaginal canal, and care about life more than anything in the whole wide world (until it’s actually born), then the Rand Paul Devolution is for you!

Remember, Rand Paul will stand up for your rights by stomping on everyone else’s, including any dumb broad stupid enough to be a lesbian and protest outside a Rand Paul rally.

Because two wrongs don’t make a right. They make a Rand.

Michele Bachmann Knows Her Campaign Was “Mistake-Free” In The Same Way Her Husband Is Gay-Free

imissamerica — Sat, 05 May 2012 05:00:05 +0000

Michele, my (liberty) belle. How nice it must be to live in an alternate dimension, one where sexy, straight-as-pray-the-gay-away homosexual conversion therapists make the perfect hubbies (not to mention personal stylists!) and loony, pill-popping, Migraine-suffering (and inducing!), unhinged gaffe-magnets come thisclose to winning the Republican nomination courtesy of their near-flawless campaign.

~~Ignorance~~ Psychosis is bliss, my friends!

Good thing in Michele’s reality-defying fantasy land beyond the fourth dimension, let’s call it Bachmanndu, she is already President and doesn’t have to worry about the awful lamestream media sabotaging her heroic campaign efforts by covering every mindblowingly dumb thing she says and does.

But on Earth? Well that’s a different story altogether!

Speaking to Christian Broadcasting Network host David Brody, Bachmann explains how her “extremely careful” and “almost mistake-free” campaign was doomed by the vast liberal media conspiracy known as reality.

Via The Hill:

Michele Bachmann: I think one thing I learned is a person has to be extremely careful with what they say. Make sure you have Elvis Presley’s birthday down, because that’s very important, and know where John Wayne was born. Those are two extremely important pieces of information.

David Brody: Oh, the media loves to beat everybody up.

Michele Bachmann: What they focus on is kind of amazing, when it looks like the house is burning down around us, that’s what they care about.

David Brody: You ran pretty much an impeccable campaign, in terms of a mistake-free campaign.

Michele Bachmann: Thank you, it really was.

David Brody: It pretty much was.

Bachmann: It really was, we were extremely careful, and we were almost mistake-free, but for those two points, Elvis Presley’s birthday and John Wayne’s birthplace. I’ve apologized, and we moved beyond.

I mean, big deal. Serial killers, tough guy actors, what’s the difference? Confusing the joyous birth of rock legend Elvis Presley with the 34th anniversary of his untimely prescription drug abusing death? Who hasn’t??

Besides, she already made up for that by using her sacred one man-one woman union to Marcus as tribute to the King’s favorite indulgence, fluffer nutter sandwiches. Can you guess which one’s the fluffer and which one’s the nutter?

Oh, and there’s also that time Michele made even Rick Perry look semi-intelligent by claiming a cancer vaccine makes girls “suffer retardation.” As opposed to say, listening to Michele Bachmann.

Or when Michele signed that wingnut pledge vowing to fight evil gay marriage by marrying one herself and take America back(wards) to the good ol’ days when enslaved black children could dream of one day being free, not leader of the free world.

Alas, all good things must come to an end, so Bachmann returned to the campaign trail to face the bleak, medicated reality and formally endorse Mitt Romney.

“I am honored … to lend my voice and my endorsement to Mitt Romney as our president to take the country back.”

After all, thanks to Marcus, she has more than enough experience on taking things from behind!

[image via Wonkette]

Republicans Commemorate Holocaust Remembrance Day By Reminding Jews That Anti-Semitism Is Alive & Well In The Republican Party (Unlike Jews!)

imissamerica — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 05:00:35 +0000

While Virginia Republican and self-hating Heeb Eric Cantor was coyly suggesting there might, might be a slight anti-semitism problem among House GOP members (you don’t say!?), fellow Republican wingnut from Virginia’s parasitic hell twin to the West, John Raese, was busy proving it by comparing his need to fill his lungs with Marlboro Menthols to Hitler singling out the hapless Jews for extermination. Happy Dang Holocaust Remembrance Day, Jews!

Never Again will Big Bad Gubmint tell John Raese what (or who) he can light on fire!

“I don’t want government telling me what I can do and what I can’t do because I’m an American. But in Monongalia County [West Virginia] you can’t smoke a cigarette, you can’t smoke a cigar, you can’t do anything. And I oppose that because I believe in everybody’s individual freedoms and everybody’s individual rights to do what they want to do and I’m a conservative and that’s the way that goes.”

Well, except when it comes to dumb women and their bodies because those sweet pieces of ass can’t be trusted to do anything for themselves except maybe have dinner ready when daddy comes home and that’s just the way that goes.

“But in Monongalia County now, I have to put a huge sticker on my buildings to say this is a smoke free environment. This is brought to you by the government of Monongalia County. Ok?”

Umm, okay?

“Remember Hitler used to put Star of David on everybody’s lapel, remember that? Same thing.”

OMG totes! Except cigarettes don’t usually scream when turned into ashes.

Surely, Raese didn’t mean to be offensive or anything like that. Perhaps it was a momentary lapse of judgement caused by a prolonged lack of nicotine to the brain? Everyone makes mistakes!

“No, this is not a standard line, nor a misstatement. It is a loss of freedom,” Raese said. “As Ronald Reagan once said, there is no such thing as partial freedom, there is only freedom.”

Which in the Republican Party apparently includes the freedom to be a bigoted asshole.

Guess in West Virginia, there is no such thing as a partial racist, there is only John Raese(ist).

Kinda how there is no such thing as a Jewish Republican, there is only Eric Cantor.

Oy vey.

Huntin’ For Freedom & Jews!

[image via raeseforsenate.org]

Newt Gingrich Knows The Real Tragedy In Trayvon Martin’s Murder Is That A Black Man Is President

imissamerica — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 05:00:11 +0000

While Fox News America was busy mourning the death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin by blaming the usual suspects like hooded sweatshirts and bags of skittles, instead of say, racist, heavily-armed, self-appointed, white supremacist neighborhood watchmen with nothing better to do than hunt down and kill black teenagers for sport, other people like President Barack Obama decided to get all self-reflective, and who knows, maybe even learn something from this terrible, senseless tragedy.

Ugh, the nerve!

“I can only imagine what these parents are going through,” President Obama said, adding that he couldn’t help but think about his daughters. “I think every parent in America should be able to understand why it is absolutely imperative that we investigate every aspect of this.

“My main message is to the parents of Trayvon Martin,” Obama added. “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon. I think they are right to expect that all of us as Americans are going to take this with the seriousness it deserves and we’re going to get to the bottom of exactly what happened.”

Not if oversized troll and Great White Hope Newt Gingrich has anything to say about it. Which he naturally does, in the most offensive and self-aggrandizing way possible. After all, someone’s got to look out for all the little people in this great nation of ours who had the misfortune to not be born black!

“What the president said, in a sense, is disgraceful,” Gingrich said on Sean Hannity’s radio show. (Because the president is black? No. Because the president is racist? Yes.)

“It’s not a question of who that young man looked like. Any young American of any ethnic background should be safe, period. We should all be horrified no matter what the ethnic background.” (Except hoodie-American.)

“Is the president suggesting that if it had been a white who had been shot, that would be OK because it didn’t look like him.” (No, you fucking moron, the president is suggesting that had Trayvon been white he would NOT have BEEN shot in the first place!)

“That’s just nonsense dividing this country up.” (No, that’s you!)

“It is a tragedy this young man was shot.” (For the bullets.)

“It would have been a tragedy if he had been Puerto Rican or Cuban or if he had been white or if he had been Asian American of if he’d been a Native American.” (Not if there were hoodies involved, cause then they’d totally have asked for it. Remember, it’s not about the color of the skin, it’s about the cloth that covers it!)

“At some point, we ought to talk about being Americans.” (Snuggies ‘n snooki, y’all!)

“When things go wrong to an American, it is sad for all Americans.” (Even sociopathic ones, like Newt).

“Trying to turn it into a racial issue is fundamentally wrong.” (Make that sociopathically wrong). “I really find it appalling.”

Almost as appalling as pretending an unarmed black boy being shot down in cold blood by a lunatic white nutjob with a long history of harrassing unsuspecting blacks wandering into his neighborhood who may or may not have said “fucking coons” during his 911 call, is anything but a racial issue.

Or, for that matter, that a bloated, white, egomaniac abandoning his cancer-stricken wife while she’s laid up in a hospital bed for a younger, prettier, less-diseased new wifey is anything but an asshole issue.

Rick Santorum Would Love To Grant Puerto Rico Statehood If OnlyThey Weren’t So Weird & Mexicany

imissamerica — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 05:00:47 +0000

Rick Santorum Shirtless: Keeping Kids Abstinent One Nipple At A Time

Rick Santorum took a break from his usual spewing nonsense about the dangers of rubbing unmarried loins together and letting silly women make important choices about their own deviant bodies to offend another oft-persecuted group of people, the scary foreign-tongued Mexicans.

Sure they may live in Puerto Rico and speak English, but that didn’t stop SeñorDouchebag from explaining to them in good, proper American English that if they want statehood, they must speak the language of prosperity and patriots instead of tilde “ghetto” crap.

¿Comprende amigos?

“Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law,” Santorum said. “And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language.”

Otherwise you become a multi-lingual whore like that hula slut Hawaii and have bastard sons who go on to become half-black, illegal Presidents of the United States of Socialism.

Not like Hawaii is a state or even part of America. Because if it were, B. Hussein Obama would be a natural-born citizen and Rick Santorum wouldn’t be forced to insult entire island territories/self-governing commonwealths (or whatever the hell Puerto Rico is) by pulling a bunch of made-up shit out of his pasty-white (English-only) ass.

However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.

Oh. So, apparently Rick Santorum knows as much about the Constitution as his wife does about orgasms.

Luckily “Santorum” means the same thing in every language.

¡Ay, caramba!

No Way José! Crazed, Right-Wing, Immigrant-Hating Arizona Sheriff Is Almost As Good At Screwing Over Mexicans As He Is At Screwing Them

imissamerica — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 06:00:44 +0000

When you think of crazed, Mexican-hating, wingnut Arizona sheriffs, normally the first thing that comes to mind is a crazed, gay, Mexican-hating, wingnut Arizona sheriff who hates his own hideous homo self even more than the terrible Mexicans he’s always shrieking about, that he actually tries to deport his gay Mexican lover for the terrible crime of being, well, umm, his gay Mexican lover.

It may sound like a page out of some trashy queer pulp novel about cowboys who like other cowboys, but turns out it’s the true, real life story of Mexican deportin’ Republican Pinal County Sheriff by the name of Paul Babeu with an unquenchable (albeit inconvenient) thirst for the semen of illegal Mexican men.

Which, for a self-hating homosexual in the parched, whites-only hellscape that is Aryanzona, can be quite a doozy!

According to the Phoenix New-Times:

Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu — who became the face of Arizona border security nationally after he started stridently opposing illegal immigration — threatened his Mexican ex-lover with deportation when the man refused to promise never to disclose their years-long relationship, the former boyfriend and his lawyer tell New Times.

The latest of the alleged threats were made through Babeu’s personal attorney, who’s also running the sheriff’s campaign for Congress in District 4, the ex-lover says.

“Jose” says he met Babeu in October 2006 on gay.com, a dating website. What started with an online invitation from Babeu for the two to get together, he says, turned into not only a personal relationship but a professional one.

Jose says he created and maintained Babeu’s campaign websites, his Facebook page, and his Twitter account. Babeu didn’t pay him for his online services, he claims.

Or at least not in actual currency. Sadly, semen is not yet legal tender in the United States (or Mexico!) but hopefully Santorum will change that.

Despite the steamy allegations, Babeu has naturally decided to continue running for Congress because that’s what publicly humiliated, painfully hypocritical, self-loathing, cock loving Republican political hopefuls do. Hell, it’s pretty much part of the GOP oath at this point!

Besides, he’s obviously very tough on illegal immigration, particularly when it comes to the actual Mexican men he is sodomizing. We can only assume he is the one doing the sodomizing, since as a Republican sheriff in Arizona, his whole existence is to prevent penetration.

But there’s something awfully familiar about this bigoted gay Republican, beyond the usual comically tragic tale of secrets, lies, and self-destructing as Mitt Romney’s current campaign chairman in Arizona.

Hmmmm…

Oh right, he’s the same misshaped skull, Mr. Clean look-a-like who starred in John McCain’s enlightened 2008 campaign video, “Complete The Danged Fence!”

And what a fence it is! Serving the dual purpose of keeping the gross Mexicans out while at the same time keeping his inner demons in.

America’s first border fence, in all its radiant glory(holes)! Finally, the kind of protection even Republicans can get behind!

Pete Hoekstra’s Racist, Lie-Filled Ad Shows How To Lose An Election & Alienate Voters In 30 Seconds Or Less

imissamerica — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 06:00:34 +0000

Now, normally when a smug, disingenuous politician, like say, Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan, releases a totally offensive, cartoonishly racist ad featuring an Asian lady riding a bicycle through Asian rice paddies and taunting Michiganers about how lazy and unemployed they are through stereotypical broken English, their popularity increases exponentially, usually as a misguided populist (i.e. Teabagger) backlash to the lamestream media shouting “racist” and “completely offensive.”

This is how politics tend to work in America, or at least ever since that half-black secret Muslim terrorist Socialist won (stole?) the White House and racism vanished completely by hiding beneath colonial wigs, Jesus Saves t-shirts, and obese white men and women wearing tea bags on their heads and shrieking about taking their country back from some mysterious dark force with a charming smile, sensible ideas and weird, Muslim-y sounding name.

But then something strange and wonderful happened. Instead of propelling Pete Hoekstra to the top and all but securing a Republican victory, his terrible ad backfired, causing his poll numbers to plummet and reminding everyone why, for whatever reason— karma? — a dumb, lying, racist ad fails to win the hearts and minds of anyone.

What’s interesting is that Stabenow’s approval numbers have barely budged at all over the last 6 months. Over the summer we found her at 46/40, and now she’s at 47/41. But Hoekstra’s numbers have taken a turn for the worst. In July his favorability was narrowly positive at 31/30. Now he’s dropped a net 11 points to a -10 spread at 28/38. There hasn’t been a big shift in his numbers with Democrats or Republicans but with independents his numbers have flipped from +10 (33/23) to -10 (29/39).

Hoekstra appears to have been damaged by his controversial Super Bowl ad. 54% of voters in the state were familiar with it, and within that group 45% said it made them less likely to vote for him compared to only 16% who considered it a positive and 37% who said it didn’t make a difference to them either way. Independents said they were turned off by it and he’s gone from leading with them by 6 points in July to now trailing by 4 points.

Perhaps some good advice for Pete “SpendItNot” Hoekstra is the next time you pretty much have the Republican nomination wrapped up and think to run a buffoonish race-baiting ad during the Super Bowl, ask yourself am I trying to alienate everyone who doesn’t wear white robes and cone-shaped hoods over their heads? If the answer is no, then it’s probably best to ShowItNot.

Unless, of couse you’re LINsane!

Otherwise, you pay heavy plice, Conglessman Holkstlah! No Happy Ending for you!

Guess that’s just the way the (fortune) cookie crumbles.

[image via Wonkette]

Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Reminding America Why It’s South Carolina In The First Place

imissamerica — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 06:00:26 +0000

Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina Confederate Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich. Let’s just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he’s done to everything else he’s ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!

So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don’t reside in The Palmetto State, or as it’s more commonly known, North Carolina’s redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!

And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there’s one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O’Sullivan or O’Reilly from Dublin. Remember, “immigrants” is Republican for “Mexicans,” as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.

The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here’s looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!

Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts’ gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It’s enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn’t more “community organizers” or hoity-toity “college graduates.” Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!

Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn’t even running. Women’s Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!

¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl’s middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don’t give a F*CK ’bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.

Ummm, I don’t know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?

Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**

So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech” what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don’t know, say, South Carolina.

Freedom’s a bitch, y’all!

Ron Paul Likes His Airplane Seats Like He Likes His Citizens: In Different Classes

imissamerica — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 06:00:49 +0000

New (Old) Flavor of the Month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:

A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”

“Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.

“Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report.

“Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.

“AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”

“[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.

“[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”

OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.

Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most “frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race” charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.

From the AP:

But Paul’s congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he’s the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.

“The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts,” Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.

Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to ‘em!

But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.

Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how “every little bit counts” and “you have to start somewhere” should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can’t even afford to be on Ron’s side of the curtain divider.

Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.

Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he’d go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam’s coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.

Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, “Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!”

[image via AP]