Democralypse Now - The Comically Screwed State Of Politics, In Small, Easy-To-Swallow Bites » Racism

Newt Gingrich Wins South Carolina, Reminding America Why It’s South Carolina In The First Place

imissamerica — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 06:00:26 +0000

Well, well, that was faster than dumping an ex-wife in the cancer ward! Whining, bloated, real life Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and serial adultering sac of ethics violations Newt Gingrich has just been declared the Big Wiener of the South Carolina Confederate Republican primary. Hooray! Now all of America can experience the amphibeous-named, Tiffany bling-encrusted, white-capped mountain of sleaze that is Newton Leroy “Newt” Gingrich. Let’s just hope America has been drinking their açaí berry shakes and practicing their sun salutations because otherwise Newt will do to America what he’s done to everything else he’s ever loved: move on to the next younger, hotter CUNTry. Oops, Country, I mean Country!

So while the Big Newt, err, make that the Big News of the day is that a white, womanizing, racist asshole takes the bacon in the wonderful State where the Civil War started (crazy, I know!), those who don’t reside in The Palmetto State, or as it’s more commonly known, North Carolina’s redheaded stepchild, can still feel a part of the wingnut political process, thanks to the boldest, tackiest, NSFW-iest political gear to hit the market this election year. Perfect for the crazed Teabagging asshole in your life! Wear one to your next (and last!) job interview and let the whole world know which appendage Uncle Sam can suck, without having to say a word!

And proudly wear your hate on your sleeve! Because if there’s one thing people who like terrible, offensive polticial t-shirts looooove it is hating immigrants. Not like your average, milky white, red freckled, O’Sullivan or O’Reilly from Dublin. Remember, “immigrants” is Republican for “Mexicans,” as is any other brown-skinned persons of broad latino descent born south of Brownsville, Texas.

The other general rule of thumb for people who purchase this type of political attire is a blind, albeit almost pathological hatred of President Barack Obama. This hate must be so strong that it bends the rules of logic, physics, grammar, the universe, and comparison-making. Obama is Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Che Guevera, Pol Pot, the Joker from Batman, Bill Cosby, Uncle Tom, King Kong, Godzilla, Aunt Jemima, every black stereotype ever (here’s looking at you Buckwheat!), a dork, dweeb, nerd, liar, elitist, secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist, and of course, a shit sandwich, as these t-shirts so tastefully prove. The best part? These tees come in a variety of exciting, PC colors like Sanchez Brown, Drunken Irish, Funeral Black, Blue Balls, Period Red, Pussy Pink, Blow White, and Bong Ash so you can you can look your best while being the worst!

Ugh, you know what really grinds wingnuts’ gears? When gross smart people run the government! With their elitist knowledge and intelligence. It’s enough to make a person sick! What America needs isn’t more “community organizers” or hoity-toity “college graduates.” Hell no! What it needs is a bunch of toothless, drunk, heavily armed, high school dropouts to make America great again by expelling all the Messicans and gays while bombing the bejesus out of as many foreign, oil-rich Muslim countries as their GED brains can think of. Next stop, Arabia!

Nothing screams sexy like an angry, naked Mama Grizz mounting Nancy Pelosi from behind, locked in a full nelson, and forced to submit to a woman elected to a position for which she isn’t even running. Women’s Rights are so 2008! Sarah Palin/Horny Men 2012! You betcha!

¡Ay, caramba! This shirt ordering all illegals to SPEAK FUCKING ENGLISH is great except for the one tiny, little thing: the shirt is written in FUCKING ENGLISH! Though, extra bonus racist points for hot girl’s middle finger. The universal language for junior high school kids to let the whole world know they just don’t give a F*CK ’bout nothin! Except of course, poorly spoken, grammatically incorrect, AMERICAN JESUS ENGLISH.

Ummm, I don’t know about you, but Vanilla Ice threatening to rip my eyeballs out and have sex with my empty orbital sockets is enough to keep me from setting Old Glory ablaze anytime soon. Mission Accomplished!?

Oh, yeaaaaah! Every dad who purchases this badboy is pretty much guaranteeing that his daughter will eventually end up dating Mary Cheney. Or Chaz Bono. Or, God forbid, Marcus Bachmann! **Shudder**

So get your awesome wingnut tee today and let the whole world know, “Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech” what happens when bad decision-making meets 40 ounces of malt liquor deep in the middle of Bumblefuck, USA, like oh, I don’t know, say, South Carolina.

Freedom’s a bitch, y’all!

Ron Paul Likes His Airplane Seats Like He Likes His Citizens: In Different Classes

imissamerica — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 06:00:49 +0000

New (Old) Flavor of the Month (white power chocolate mousse) Ron Paul is no stranger to controversy, thanks to his various racist, sexist and otherwise close-minded policies of limited government, even more limited brain power, and the freedom to be as selfish, asshole-ish, or basically Ron Paul-ish as humanly possible.

Like, say, the latest, greatest selection of newsletters allegedly penned by a certain Libertarian Jesus Ron Paul recently unearthed by the terrible, no-good liberal Jew run media, whose highlights, err lowlights, include:

A segment called “Race War?” from the June 1990 issue of Political Report warns that a race war might be imminent due to “the victimization mentality created by the civil rights movement, where every black failure is a white crime. If there is indeed this sort of trouble ahead, it is just another reason why every honest American should be armed.”

“Today, gangs of young blacks bust into a bank lobby firing rounds at the ceiling…We don’t think a child of 13 should be held as responsible as a man of 23. That’s true for most people, but black males age 13 who have been raised on the streets and who have joined criminal gangs are as big, strong, tough, scary and culpable as any adult, and should be treated as such” — a riff on bank robberies from the September 1992 issue of Survival Report.

“Were there, as some people now say, two bombs that went off in the building? And might the government have the wrong man? Who doubts the possibility that the government – which lied about Waco and Ruby Ridge – may also be covering up true information and planting false information about the Oklahoma bombing?” — a conspiracy theory on the Oklahoma City bombing from the September 1996 Survival Report.

“Any organization hated by the IRS and the Trilaterialist Time magazine has got to have something going for it!” — a defense of the Church of Scientology in the June 1991 issue of the Political Report.

“AIDS can be transmitted through means other than sexual intercourse and blood transfusion, specifically saliva, tears, sweat, feces and urine” — from the March 1987 edition of the Investment Report. In the same document, the author also called for the repeal of “federal laws which force schools to accept students known to carry a fatal, communicable disease, and businesses to employ adult victims as ‘handicapped.’”

“[Magic] Johnson may be a sports star, but he is dying because he violated moral laws” — from the December 1991 issue of Political Report.

“[T]he criminal ‘Justice’ Department wants to force dentists to treat these Darth Vader types under the vicious Americans With Disabilities Act” — a proclamation that AIDS patients (“Darth Vader types”) should not be allowed to visit the dentist, in the November 1993 issue of the Political Report. The author also adds, “[W]e all have the right to discriminate, which is what freedom of association is all about, especially against killers.”

OMG, so true! You know what else is true? The freedom of Karma to turn you into a frail, pathetic, decrepit old weirdo so vile and hateful even his eyebrows scrammed the hell off his face.

Which is almost as a-PAUL-ling as the self-proclaimed most “frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race” charging taxpayers nearly $52,000 all so he could fly in style, specifically first-class style, during his freqent trips between Washington and his home district in Texas.

From the AP:

But Paul’s congressional travel conflicts with claims in campaign appearances that he’s the most frugal and serious deficit hawk in the race.

“The talk you hear in Washington is pure talk, because there is nobody suggesting, the other candidates are not talking about real cuts,” Paul said in a speech to supporters last week after his second-place finish in New Hampshire.

Now normally an elderly person who flies constantly with the means to fork over thousands of dollars to avoid being crammed into the steerage section of a commercial airliner is no big deal. More power to ‘em!

But for a man who never votes for any budget or major spending bill and seriously thinks it is better to let people starve, drown, burn, or die of cancer in the streets than add one bloody red cent to the big bad gubmint deficit, is what the rest of the civilized world calls the worst kind of spineless hypocrite.

Because the person who is outraged by, say, a $25k public arts grant and is always prattling on about how “every little bit counts” and “you have to start somewhere” should at the very least not be the same one who tosses around hard-earned taxpayer money for a few extra inches of leg room, a hot towel, and the ability to look down on the stupid POVS who can’t even afford to be on Ron’s side of the curtain divider.

Not to mention, all the perfectly good federal money wasted on silly, trivial things like state-supported air traffic control, subsized airports, and paved landing strips when Ron Paul should know better than anyone that the invisible hand of the free market will surely keep his plane in the air and guide it safely on its journey, using not GPS and computers but smoke signals and supply side economics.

Truth is, if Ron was really serious about the whole thing, he’d go the old fashioned way, pulled by oxen in a covered wagon through dangerous, uncharted terrain and winding backwoods, untainted by Uncle Sam’s coddling hand, but teeming with scurvy and dystentery just like the Good Lord and Ron Paul intended.

Screw Patrick Henry, thanks to Ron Paul, we can all take a deep breath and exclaim, “Give Me Liberty And Give Me Death!”

[image via AP]

Texas College Republicans May Flunk Most Things, But They Sure Get An A In Racist Twitter Poetry

imissamerica — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 06:00:54 +0000

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun ‘n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama “assassination jokes.”

So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole “college education” thing doesn’t work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children’s coloring books?

Although, to be fair, I’m pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America’s premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!

Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn’t just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It’s also for racial stereotyping, Cassie’s (and apparently all College Republicans’) all-time favorite activity on Earth.

On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”

Ah yes, tomorrow’s leaders.

My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I’m white?
I’ve got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla

#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ

Messed up world? GTFO!

No, seriously. The whole state. Please.

[image via Gawker]

Newt Gingrich & Herman Cain To Compete In “Modified Lincoln-Douglas Debate,” In That They Only Use 3/5ths Of Their Brains

imissamerica — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 05:00:57 +0000

Grab your Gideons, prep your muskets, sharpen your bayonets, throw on your colonial best and head on down to Houston, Texas for the can’t-miss event of the year, the clash of two GOP presidential titans Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Wait, did I say can’t miss?? Haha silly me! I meant can’t watch, since no television network wants to touch that shit with a ten foot pole, forcing those who wish to watch two psychos prattle on about electrocuting Messicans, the tyranny of affordable health care, and why corporations are people but poors aren’t, to use heave their obese, diabetic bodies into Humvees, pickup trucks, and Socialist Medicaire scooters and make the trek themselves! Now, that’s some good, old fashioned American can-do spirit right there!

And much like Newt Gingrich’s third mistress-turned-wife’s penchant for Tiffany diamonds and Herman Cain’s 999 tax plan/Godfathers pizza daily deal-o-rama, this Tea Party Patriot-sponsored Texas two-step don’t come cheap!

General admission for what is being billed as a “modified Lincoln–Douglas debate,” the modification, one can only assume, being that they both argue in favor of slavery, costs $200, although the price includes a slice of “good ole apple pie,” because apparently black walnuts is something Republicans want to elect president not use as filling for a round, deliciously moist, flaky pie.

“Then there’s the ‘Patron Ticket,’ which costs $500. Patron-level purchasers will get ‘prime seating’ and admission to a Nite Cap party after the debate, as well as a chance to mingle with the candidates over drinks and hors d’oerves afterward.”

Oooh, as long as they are unregulated, uninspected, and untainted by dirty government hands (salmonella, she is a beauty), count me in!

“Top-level donors will pay $1,000 for the best seating in the house (panic room?), a special room at the Woodlands Resort in Houston for the Nite Cap party, and a ‘professional picture’ taken with the candidates.”

By professional picture, I assume they mean gagged, bound, and forced into a naked pyramid complete with a dog leash around your neck, and your choice of semi-automatic weapon nudging you into position. Nothing says fun like an M16 Caliber 5.56 mm in your backside.

Or for those looking for something a little spicier, how about a nice slice of Godfather’s latest, greatest culinary creation, Hot ‘n Spicy Tex Mex pizza in honor of Herman Cain’s similarly themed, similarly brilliant electrified border fence immigration policy: refried Mexicans.

“Students can get in for $150, but those tickets are sold out.”

Funny, so did the students!!

So, the Texas Tea Party Patriots will host, blue-eyed nutjob Rep. Steve King will moderate (aka grunt, wink, and cheer when appropriate like talk of poor people dying, gay soldiers proudly serving their country, or the delightful execution Texas inmates), and Lincoln-Douglas will likely turn over in their graves as these two idiots take turns debating who loves Reagan ‘n Jesus the most.

In background conversations, both campaigns say they look forward to the discussion. A source close to Gingrich tells the National Review that the former speaker will speak at length about his policy proposals and will, “in a friendly way,” illustrate his differences with Cain.
“We initially wanted a forum with all of the candidates,” O’Sullivan says. “But when we heard Gingrich say he wanted a more serious debate, like the Lincoln–Douglas debates, we wanted to do that, especially since watching the recent superficial debates has been frustrating.”

Only if you value sanity, rationality, sensibility, intelligence and the ability to formulate a coherent sentence. So what the hell is the Republicans’ problem with it?

Gingrich has been a long-time proponent of the Lincoln-Douglas debate style, because it gives candidates more time to have a detailed policy discussion. Gingrich has repeatedly said that if he were the Republican nominee, he would challenge President Obama to seven three-hour Lincoln-Douglas style debates.

Which is about 21 hours longer than necessary to reveal Newton’s complete lack of knowledge on the workings of the federal government!

Either way, the important thing to remember is that on November 5th, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich will return to that kindler, gentler time circa 1858 when a man was a man, and a black man was his property!

So how much would I pay to see this so-called modern-day Lincoln-Douglas debate?

Let’s see, is there anything smaller than absolute zero? Ah yes, of course, Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich’s combined IQs!

[image via AP]

Herman Cain Likes His Illegal Immigrants Much Like His Fast Food: Deep Fried!

imissamerica — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 05:00:57 +0000

Whether he’s touting his foreign policy skills by grunting nonsense syllables like “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan” or rescuing the nation’s economy by changing from the gold standard of coins to the Godfather standard of pepperoni slices, and installing the wacko, fictional tax plan he stole from SimCity 4 that repeats the arbitrary number “9″ three times while taxing the shit out of poor people, Herman Cain is full of brilliant ideas.

Kip Katsarelis, a senior producer for Maxis, the company that created the SimCity series, was excited that politicians may be looking to video games for ideas.
Adopting such a simple tax structure, Katsarelis said, would allow fantasy political leaders to focus their energy on infrastructure and national security. “Our game design team thought that an easy to understand taxation system would allow players to focus on building their cities and have fun thwarting giant lizard attacks, rather than be buried by overly complex financial systems.”

Of course! But what if those giant lizard attacks were more like scared, border-jumping Mexicans looking for a better life? Then what would Herman Cain do?

Why, just fry the illegal alien bastards to death with an electrified border fence. Easy peasy!

“It’s going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, ‘It will kill you — Warning.’”

Oooh, sounds sexy! Charred Mexicans hanging over the entrance is a beautiful way to decorate America’s borders! A “Teabagger Tapestry,” if you will.

But what if, for some reason, this miraculous deterrent still doesn’t keep them away?

Can you say 2nd Amendment remedies, what what!?

From the New York Times:

The [border wall] remarks, which came at two campaign rallies in Tennessee as part of a barnstorming bus tour across the state, drew loud cheers from crowds of several hundred people at each rally. At the second stop, in Harriman, Tenn., Mr. Cain added that he also would consider using military troops “with real guns and real bullets” on the border to stop illegal immigration.

As a special bonus, Herman Cain’s solution to securing our borders also doubles as his latest, greatest Godfather pizza topping sensation: Refried Mexican Beans!

¡Ay, Caramba!

[image via Every Joe]

Racist College Republican Bake Sale Proves That When It Comes To The GOP, Racism Is Black & White (Cookies)

imissamerica — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 05:00:42 +0000

UC Berkeley College Republicans (yes, apparently, they do exist!) are all hot ‘n bothered about a terrible (Socialist?) new affirmative action law by hippie-dippie California governor Jerry Brown that would allow state universities to consider race, gender, ethnicity and national origin in admission applications.

Oh the humanity!

Because everyone (aka 20-something white Republican males) knows affirmative action is terribly racist against the real victims, the ever-persecuted white male, and to prove this notion once and for all, they will hold a bake sale that is racist against everyone else.

White power y’all!

Which, in the dumb, half-baked minds of a misguided, racist GOP student body, means holding a dumb, racist, half-baked GOP student bake sale, where stoned white males with a hankerin’ for something sweet have to pay $2 per cupcake, while everybody else pays a couple quarters less for their baked good of choice, depending on skin color, gender, and of course, a wonderful, randomly assigned scale of “this is how much less than a white guy you are worth.”

To, ummm, prove a point!?

Asian Americans? That’ll be a $1.50. Latinos? Just $1.00 please. Blacks? Oh, they are very cheap compared to white guys, only $0.75. Native Americans? Even better, only $0.25 a pop! That’s practically dirt! Doesn’t get much more worthless than that.

And remember people, ladies are worth 25 cents less than men across the board. So word to the wise, find some nice black and/or Native American ladies on campus and you my friend, will be able to stuff your face with all the cupcakes and cream puffs your diabetic li’l heart desires. On the cheap!

From CNN:

“We agree that the event is inherently racist, but that is the point,” Berkeley College Republican President Shawn Lewis wrote in response to upheaval over the bake sale.

“We agree that the event is inherently racist, but…” is also the GOP platform.

“It is no more racist than giving an individual an advantage in college admissions based solely on their race (or) gender.”

Right, of course! Just like saying eight black women are worth one white guy is racist against white guys.

Which is weird because I was always under the impression that black guy snacks (wait or was it black guys??) should cost 3/5 of the “normal” price.

One white, err, vanilla cupcake, please!

[image via Wonkette]

Oy Vey! Since Weiner’s Unkosher, Ultra-Orthodox Jews In New York Help Elect A Different Kind Of Prick: A Republican!

imissamerica — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 05:00:46 +0000

OMG, did you hear the news, America? The mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering, universe-imploding news straight out of Anthony Weiner’s pants New York’s 9th about Barack Obama being un-elected, thanks to a special election to replace fallen Democratic cocktease, err congressman, and Twitterin’ fool, Anthony Weiner with someone a little less circumcised and a little more racist.

Hooray??

You see, a funny thing happened on the way to Kew Gardens. Apparently, instead of just voting to replace Anthony “Cock Shot” Weiner, his entire former NY-9 district got together to cast their 2012 Election votes a good year-plus ahead of time in a referendum on that terrible failure Barack Hussein Obama for everything Republicans hate about him (his skin color?).

Turns out, New York is sick and tired of being a godless, gay, Jew-less, Socialist mecca for no-good terrorist Muslims, which is why NY-09 decided to use this special House race to elect a Republican for the first time since 1922.

That’s right, people! Thefair citizens from southern Brooklyn to south central Queens (Rego Park, what what!) have chosen 70-year-old Muslim hating maniac and Teabagging delight Bob Turner over 56-year-old (not quite ultra) Orthodox Jew Democrat David Weprin as the new President of New York of America.

Because contrary to what the Jew-run lamestream media would like you to believe, Jewish voters actually hate Obama (just ask Fox News!), which is why the black hat, ultra-orthodox Jews chose Turner, a Catholic, over Weprin, a Jew Obama, a Jew-hater.

But that’s not all! It’s also because of the gays getting gay-married and Muslims building Muslim-y Mosques all over the once-sacred streets of strip clubs and sex shops in Lower Manhattan.

According to the AP:

Democrats enjoy a 3:1 registration advantage over Republicans in the district, but it’s relatively conservative by New York standards in national contests to make it upset territory, going for President Obama with only 55% of the vote in 2008 with similar numbers for John Kerry in 2004. The district’s unique ethnic makeup — heavily Jewish (especially Orthodox), heavily Irish and Italian, and heavily Asian and Hispanic — and strong local character makes it difficult to declare it representative of the nation of large.

But voter frustration with Obama put Weprin in the unlikely spot of playing defense. Turner, a 70-year-old Catholic, vowed to push back on Obama’s policies if elected.

Weprin became embroiled in New York-centric disputes over Israel and gay marriage, which cost him some support among Jewish voters.

Orthodox Jews, who tend to be conservative on social issues, expressed anger over Weprin’s vote in the Assembly to legalize gay marriage. And Weprin was challenged on the right of the sponsors of the Park 51 community center, a proposed Islamic center and mosque near the World Trade Center site, to locate their project in Lower Manhattan.

So congratulations to Bob Turner, the new representative of your crazy, racist, homophobic, Jewish aunt with five cats, 500 square feet of prime studio space, and zero tolerance for gross gays, even grosser Muslims, and of course, the grossest of all, charming, chocolate-colored presidents.

Mazel Tov to Bubby! You’ve successfully traded a Weiner for a dick!

The Art Of War: 9/11 Children’s Coloring Book Helps Make Learning (To Hate Muslims) Fun Again!

imissamerica — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 05:00:38 +0000

Howdy, America! If you haven’t already realized, or have been living under a rock (let’s call her Sarah Palin), the 10-year anniversary of 9/11 is fast approaching, which begs the important question, what are you doing to celebrate freedom this year? Other than the usual neighborhood Mosque burning/BBQ block party/toga fest, of course!

But, what about the little ones? Are they donning their finest red, white, and blues and sufficiently freaked out about being blown to bits by Muslim terrorists who hate freedom but love fiery jihadist death?

No? Well then, have we got just the thing for you! A delightful wingnut coloring book, “We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids’ Book of Freedom” to remind the li’l whippersnappers who’s with us (Christians!), who’s against us (liberals!) and who wants to murder us all in a massive explosion of jet fuel and steel (Muslims!).

Now, the kiddies will never forget 9/11. And much like drunk Uncle Ray, they’ll never forget what color terrifying Muslims destroying America and freedom should be shaded in either. Remember, children, the awful brown crayon is for Osama-y people and the beautiful peach color is for the American soldiers!

What they will forget however is that Bush and Cheney repeatedly ignored warnings about Osama bin Laden, and then used the 9/11 attacks as an excuse to dupe the dumb, unsuspecting public into a bloody, protracted war in Iraq for oil and corporate profits, because Crayola still hasn’t figured out the best crayon to use when shading in evil.

Wayne Bell, publisher of Really Big Coloring Books, Inc., says that the book is a memorial tribute. “It is an informational piece to help educate children on events on 9/11.” It is “a simplistic, honest tool.”

Just like him!

Despite complaints that nearly all mentions of Muslims in the book are accompanied by the words “terrorist,” “extremist,” or better yet, “freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists,” Bell stood by the book as an “honest depiction.”

“The truth is the truth,” Bell said. “We don’t show any broken bones or tissue or explosion of heads or anything like that. This isn’t near that.”

Yay??

What you will find is the accompanying text, which reads, “Children, the truth is, these terrorist acts were done by freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists. These crazy people hate the American way of life because we are FREE and our society is FREE.”

“It’s unfortunate that they were all Muslim and that’s the part people want to erase,” Bell said. “I don’t know what else you can call them.”

How about Saudis? Or psychos, maybe? Though, as soon as li’l Johnny is done coloring, you can probably call them brown people, too. Or ragheads. Whatever you prefer!

Seriously, who doesn’t love children’s coloring book history lessons, like why this time, it was the awful, no-good, freedom-hating Muslims, not the gross gays or greedy Jews, responsible for all the 9/11 death and destruction?

That way, you won’t ever have to say to yourself, “wait, what color are Jews again?”

Oh well, time to go help my toddler color the picture of the bomb in tower 7. Also, the Christian cross at ground zero could use some filling in.

But, be sparing with your blue crayons, kids! You’ll need those for the waterboarding pages.

See, isn’t America grand? Instead of just being afraid of Muslims, you can be scared of coloring books too!

Fox News Outraged That Barack Obama Had The Nerve To Invite Black People As Guests, Not Servers, To His Birthday Party

imissamerica — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 05:00:15 +0000

While the economy continued its downward hell spiral thanks to Standard & Poor’s (really, that’s the best name you could come up with? Really?) very responsible decision to downgrade America’s debt and grind it into highly toxic, spite-flavored tea leaves for Republican enjoyment, Fox News was busy thinking up the most offensive, racist headline their little brains could muster accusing President Obama of celebrating his 50th “birth”day instead of single-handedly creating jobs for every (white) person in America.

The nerve! No, no, not Fox News equating a celebrity-studded backyard birthday BBQ in the White House Rose Garden with some kind of secret Muslim anti-employment Socialist Black Panther rally where they do scary “black people things” like listen to “hip-hop” and eat char-grilled burgers. Why, Barack Obama celebrating his five decades on this planet with actual black people, instead of just old racist white men who watch Fox News all day, of course!

Ugh, I mean, why didn’t this barbecue party create jobs? The least he could’ve done is hire some Fox News viewers to flip burgers and re-fill beer glasses. For Christ’s sake, why is Obama always pallin’ around with black people, anyways? Why can’t he party with some employed people like Ted Nugent for a change, or does he only like musicians who are black, blind and talented?

Maybe if he had some more white people there, other than Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and the scores of similarly milky-hued people in attendance, they would accidentally create some jobs while Obama parties?

Point is no one knows. What Fox News does know, however, is that black people are not allowed to have money or parties or fun or BBQs unless the white people in the country get their money and parties and fun and BBQs first. It’s like this Negro President of ours STILL cannot remember the rules!

Maybe Fox would have better luck if they put it into rhyme over a phatty beat.

Finally, their first real job!

Crazy, Closeted, RV-Driving Wingnut Can’t Help Being A Racist, Homophobic Lunatic, He Was Born That Way!

imissamerica — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 05:00:02 +0000

Ah yes, here it is, the old rusted-out camper, America’s most trusted journalist to warn us all about the evil (gay?) that lurks in the hearts of men. More specifically, Teabagging men who loudly & proudly align themselves with a group named after the hilarious, super-straight act of dipping one man’s testicles in the mouth and/or face of another similarly hetero man. For freedom. Hooray!

And in case you were wondering exactly what a Teabagger stream-of-consciousness craziness looks like, look no further than their favorite mobile medium of personal expression, the creepy pedovan, aka a rusty, broken down 1970-something RV.

There, you will find all the scintillating brilliance and sophisticated wisdom of a man, so steeped in divinity and the true path of the righteous, he uses two L’s when concocting (haha, cock!) his REVELATION admonishing the world, “ITS SINFULL TO VOTE FOR FAG POLITICIANS.”

But that’s not it! Heavens to Betsy no! Not when QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST OBAMA BOWS DOWN TO SATAN WORLDWIDE BECAUSE HE WORSHIPS THEIR REAR END!

Forget T.S. Eliot (queer!), this is the new, improved, wingnut recreational vehicle-driving poet TEA S. Eliot!

And what is more proof of your straight-as-an-arrow sexuality than flat-out refusing to even bother with those three flaming drama queens: spelling, grammar, and punctuation!?

Less obvious is, of course, why he even bothers calling the his scripture-mobile “REVELATION” when every wingnut worth his weight in McRibs already knows about all these things!?

Jesus told them when he was teaching them how to ride dinosaurs in the Olive Garden of Eden!

This guy is so full of wonderful facts and useful li’l pearls of wisdom that it’s almost impossible picking his finest verse.

“QUEER (BI-SEXUAL) COMMUNIST, OBAMA HATES AMERICAN SOLDIERS GUTS, SO HE MAKES THEM QUEERS SO THEY WILL BE NOTORIOUS, AND HATED, INSTEAD FAMOUS AND LIKED. PLAYING EVERYONE FOR A SUCKER WHICH IS ALL HE DOES.”

**Sigh.** Einstein lives among us!

Truer words have never been spoken, err, except maybe this next passage:

“QUEER (SATAN) OBAMA, QUEERS EVERYTHING IN AMERICA, HE EVEN QUEERS THE ARMY. QUEER OBAMA WANTS SOLDIERS TO WEAR PINK UNIFORMS, NYLON STOCKINGS, AND HIGH HEELS, IT TURNS HIM ON.”

Clearly, TEA S. Eliot is very familiar with this sort of thing, which isn’t too surprising since everyone knows practice makes perfect!

Unless, someone with a lot of experience on the subject told him instead.

Couldn’t be Sarah Palin, since she already quit her bus tour to go relax and club salmon to death on the bottom of a carcass-filled rowboat.

Which could only mean one more shining example that Marcus Bachmann’s pray-the-gay-away conversion therapy works wonders!

From fruit to nut in the time it takes to decorate an old, broken down homo van with misspelled banners for crazy people.