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Let Sleeping Dogs Lie: President Obama Tries To Call John Boehner & Mitch McConnell, But They Were Too Busy Dreaming About Killing Poor People

Jealous over all the alone time President NObama’s been spending with his new boyfriend Chris Christie, Republicans John Boehner and Mitch McConnell channeled their pain just like you’d expect from two petulant, scheming, emotionally stunted career politicians who got steamrolled by the electorate dedicated public servants deeply concerned with doing whatever is best for the […]

DEMOCRALYPSE 2012: DID OBAMA WIN THE ELECTION?? YES HE DID!

OMG, IT”S HERE!

The day we’ve all been waiting for, if only to never have to hear the words Mitt Romney or bayonets or “binders full of women” ever again. But mostly Mitt Romney.

ELECTION DAY!

So, alas, America, who will it be??

Will Mitt Romney win the hearts and minds of America by convincing them he […]

New Totally Non-Racist Ohio Ad Kindly Asks Black People To Vote For Mitt Romney Because Abraham Lincoln Freed The Slaves, Duh!

Wassup black people? This one stock photo black guy with a booming voice and weird Mormon-ish look about him has a MAJOR REVELATION for you, black Americans living in Ohio.

Now take off your Beats by Dre Headphones and listen because this is important (unlike say, you people, in non-election years).

It is a BIG […]

Lindsay Lohan Proves That Undecided Voters Aren't Just Idiots, They're Spoiled Drug Addicts Too

LOLZ, so true! Decisions can be so, umm, what’s the word I’m looking for again, err, oh yeah, hard. Yes, decisions can be sooo hard!

Lindsay Lohan totes gets this! She simply does not know what to do about this whole “presidential race” thing, and it is like seriously stressing her out. Like WAY more than […]

President Obama Diagnoses Mitt Romney With "Romnesia," The Mysterious Disease That Causes Him To Forget His Own Positions

Dr. Barack H. Obama, MD has seen the symptoms – the backtracking & sidestepping, the flipping & flopping, the waffling and wavering – and is ready to diagnose rival Mitt Romney with what’s been ailing him.

Looks like Mr. “Severely Conservative” has a severe case of Romnesia, a condition he’s been suffering from all […]

The Lies That Bind: Mitt Romney Loves Women So Much He Has Binders Full Of Them

U Mad Bro?

Oh Mittens! Fresh off schooling President NOBAMA in the first debate through his devastating combo of shrieking, lying, and threatening to murder Big Bird, Mitt Romney was once again locked, loaded (I don’t mean $$$), and ready to Bain Capital the shit out of Barack Obama.

Are you ready to rumble, America?

Good […]

Bye Bye Birdie: Fightin' Mitt Romney Brings His Knack For Firing People To Prime Time!

Well hellooooo America! In case you missed Wednesday night’s 90-minute tragicomedy, fear not my friend, because the Internets have got you covered!

And the winner is…you, America! For having the privilege of witnessing Jim Lehrer get emasculated by Mitt Romney, who will tell him when he’s done speaking, GOD DAMN IT!

“NO, I AM NOT DONE, JIM. […]

Mitt Romney Can't Even Lead A Chant Of His Own Name Without Giving The World Douche Chills

You know things are bad when not a single day goes by without you inadvertently making an ass of yourself, giving the American people yet another a reason to point their finger and laugh at your flailing, almost cartoonish incompetence.

And whether it is telling 47% of the public to go f**k themselves and their poor, […]

What Is White, Brown, & Smug All Over? Mitt Romney Courting Latino Voters

¡Ay, caramba!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And if there were ever a presidential candidate well versed in the realm of desperation, it is undoubtedly Mitt Romney.

You see, Mittens has had a very tough week! After all, it’s not every day that a secret video leaks with the GOP nominee insulting 47% of […]

The Onion Becomes Reality: Photos From The Campaign Trail

Don’t Worry Baby, Uncle Joe’s 100% Behind You!

Via the AP: A lady biker sits on Biden’s lap today at Cruisers Diner in Seaman, Ohio.

Which wouldn’t be the first time something weird happened involving Seaman.

Not to be outdone by Joe’s impressive bicycle biker mount, President Obama got a huge lift himself. Literally.

Here’s Big Apple […]