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Mitt Romney Can't Even Lead A Chant Of His Own Name Without Giving The World Douche Chills

You know things are bad when not a single day goes by without you inadvertently making an ass of yourself, giving the American people yet another a reason to point their finger and laugh at your flailing, almost cartoonish incompetence.

And whether it is telling 47% of the public to go f**k themselves and their poor, […]

What Is White, Brown, & Smug All Over? Mitt Romney Courting Latino Voters

¡Ay, caramba!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And if there were ever a presidential candidate well versed in the realm of desperation, it is undoubtedly Mitt Romney.

You see, Mittens has had a very tough week! After all, it’s not every day that a secret video leaks with the GOP nominee insulting 47% of […]

Money Talks: In Mitt Romney's Case It Also Offends

Oh Mittens! He’s just like you, America, except that he grew up the privileged son of a Governor and went to elitist east coast prep schools followed by elitist east coast Ivy League universities where he met all kinds of powerful people who could help him amass the kind of ungodly wealth that makes car […]

Hurricane Trump Roars Through Florida, Tells Rich Lady Arianna To Huff Off On Twitter

Comic book villain and talking hairpiece The Donald Trump took to the Twitternets to discuss the relative bangability of non-paying, celebrity sideboob blogmaster extraordinaire, Arianna Huffington.

And guess what, Arianna, you’re fired!

Except for beautiful wifeys #1 & #3, women with accents make him sicker than that Socialist negro NOBAMA in the White House.

Which is […]

Pray The Gale Away: Even Hurricane Isaac Wants Nothing To Do With Tampa Or The RNC

A few days ago the decision was made by RNC organizers to employ the Bush Doctrine and preemptively strike down all convention activites on Monday to avoid a potentially disastrous, massive washing-away of the similarly massive eat mor chikin, do les xrsize convention delegate crowd.

I know what you’re thinking. Why on God’s once-green […]

Big Head Tom & The (UN) Monsters In Lubbock County, Texas

Every Republican worth their weight in Texas T-Bones knows there is never, ever, EVER a reason to raise taxes on the good people of these United States of Jesus, so help them God.

Err, except one.

If for some reason that no-good, chocolatey-skinned NOBAMER feller were to win reelection, God forbid, and hand over the sovereignty of […]

GOP Senate Hopeful Todd Akin's So Busy Learning About "Legitimate" Vs. "Illegitimate" Rape, He Forgot To Learn To Be A Legitimate Candidate

Missouri Congressman, GOP Senate candidate, and living proof of the theory of devolution, Todd Akin knows a few things about the female anatomy, particularly when it comes to the magical powers of women’s reproductive systems, which if you didn’t know, are able to transform into vaginal panic rooms in case of emergencies, like rape.

Because while you […]

Mitt Romney Picks Fiscal Sociopath, Ayn Rand Fanatic Paul Ryan As His VP; America Shrugs

So there you have it, America.  The moment you’ve been waiting for, the day that Willard “Mitt” Romney finally picked his running mate, the next (non)vice-president of the United States, Rep. Paul Ryan of the great state of Wisconsin.

Hooray!

But just who is this nice young man from down the street who looks like a Boy […]

Move Over Wonka, Mitt Romney's Golden Ticket Is Worth A Lot More Than Some Dumb Visit To A Chocolate Factory

Poor Mittens. He tries so hard! In his latest, greatest, desperate attempt to appear human, Willard Mitt Romney decided to share a precious li’l gem from his childhood, a deliciously tasty nugget about his family’s care-free life of privilege and wealth:

“I found a little paper card, a little pink card, and it said, ‘This entitles […]

Anti-Gay Protester Sets Fire To Box Of Cheerios, Bringing New Meaning To The Word "Flamer"

Nothing, I say, nothing says ‘heterosexual’ more than a bronzed man in a pink button down with his sleeves rolled up three-quarters, trying (*and failing) to light a box of “homosexual” Cheerios on fire to protest General Mills’ pro-marriage equality stance, which much like another man, he simply cannot get behind!

“One out of […]