Bored with their usual antics of deporting frightened Mexican and Mexican-ish looking people and denying ladies sluts access to baby murdering apparatus birth control (yawn!), the fine citizens of Aryanzona have turned their short, sun-scorched attention to another pressing matter: the true birth origins of a certain illegal Socialist, half-black, [...]]]> “I See Brown People!”

Bored with their usual antics of deporting frightened Mexican and Mexican-ish looking people and denying ladies sluts access to baby murdering apparatus birth control (yawn!), the fine citizens of Aryanzona have turned their short, sun-scorched attention to another pressing matter: the true birth origins of a certain illegal Socialist, half-black, possibly alien president, a one Barack Hussein Obama.

Yee-Haw!

The man in charge of running elections, Arizona’s Secretary of Hate, err State, Ken Bennett now says he’s not convinced Barack Obama was really born in the United States and is threatening to keep the president off the ballot in November.

Speaking to conservative Phoenix radio talk show host Mike Broomhead, Bennett said he was following the lead of the state’s eccentric Sheriff Joe Arpaio, a fellow Republican who ordered an investigation into the president’s birth certificate last year and concluded the document released by the White House is a forgery. Bennett said he is now trying to get verification from state officials in Hawaii that the certificate is authentic.

In doing so, Bennett caved to a fringe group of activists and writers who believe in a conspiracy theory that just never seems to die no matter how much proof they get. Hawaiian officials have said time and again that Obama was born there in 1961, yet the theory persists.

Bennett, the state’s No. 2 elected official just below Gov. Jan Brewer (R), said his investigation isn’t personal. He said the reason he started looking into it is because he got more than 1,200 emails asking him to do so after Arpaio’s investigation came out.

Wait, Arizona residents know how to write??

But even though Bennett isn’t convinced Obama was born in America, if he was even born at all, he would like you to know that he isn’t that terrible B-word everyone’s always hurling at him. Other than bastard.

“I’m not a birther. I believe the president was born in Hawaii — or at least I hope he was,” Bennett said on the show. “But my responsibility as secretary of state is to make sure the ballots in Arizona are correct and that those people whose names are on the ballot have met the qualifications for the office they are seeking.”

Light skin, low IQ, limited experience. Ya know, the usual.

Even the crazy love child of the Wicked Witch and the New Jersey Tanning Mom, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, knows the whole birther conspiracy is a bunch of deep-fried bull (testicles).

“It’s just something I believe is leading our country down a path of destruction and it just is not serving any good purpose.”

Unlike say, her signature hunt-down-Messicans-law!

Wel, good thing nothing, be it woman or brain power, is going to stand in Ken’s way!

Mike Broomhead, the radio host, pressed Bennett on what he would do if he didn’t get the right response back from Hawaii.

“If they won’t comply, if they refuse to comply with this, will you remove the president from the ballot? Will you exclude him from the ballot?”

“That’s possible,” Bennett said. “Or the other option would be I would ask all of candidates, including the president, maybe to submit a certified copy of their birth certificate. But I don’t want to do that.”

Of course not! After all, the other candidates are white.

[image via Gawker]

If there’s one thing America simply cannot get enough of, it is the rich, racist, radical Kentucky-fried-son-of-a-wingnut whose not-so-evolved views on homosexuality and civil rights make even his ancient cryptkeeper father, Papa Ron, seem normal by comparison.

Almost.

Good thing Rand Paul will do whatever it takes, blurt whatever comes out of his big, white power [...]]]>

If there’s one thing America simply cannot get enough of, it is the rich, racist, radical Kentucky-fried-son-of-a-wingnut whose not-so-evolved views on homosexuality and civil rights make even his ancient cryptkeeper father, Papa Ron, seem normal by comparison.

Almost.

Good thing Rand Paul will do whatever it takes, blurt whatever comes out of his big, white power mouth to avoid slipping ever closer to that scary, dangerous place (called the 21st century) where black people have rights, women are more than tits in a skirt, and homosexuals are more than just the sweaty, gyrating, chiseled physiques that haunt Rand Paul’s dreams whenever he closes his eyes.

Bein’ so straight, white and Christian must be hard!

Why not get a (non-gay) load off your chest and tell us about it, Rand?

“The president recently weighed in on marriage and you know he said his views were evolving on marriage.”

HAWHAWHAW, imagine that! A sentient being adapting in order to survive and thrive in a constantly-changing environment? Yeah, try telling that to the Dodo bird and the Republican Party!

“Call me cynical, but I wasn’t sure his views on marriage could get any gayer,” he said, drawing laughs from the crowd.

How about we just call you “asshole” instead?

“It did kind of bother me though that [Obama] used the justification for it in a biblical reference,” Paul continued, as did the laughter. “He said the biblical golden rule caused him to be for gay marriage. And I’m like, ‘what version of the Bible is he reading?’

OMG, probably the Queen James version??

“… I don’t know what version he’s getting it from.”

Me neither, but either way, he’s most certainly getting it from the rear.

He continued: “Now that doesn’t mean we need to be harsh and mean and hate people…”

Though by all means, feel free!

“But that doesn’t mean that we have to go ahead and give up our traditions. We’ve got 6,000 years of tradition.”

Hunting, gathering, slaying of the first born, bloodletting, witch hunts, crucifixtion, crusades, forced conversions, black plagues, beheadings, torture, stoning, slavery, rape, genocide, famine, near-constant war, chaos, disease, nuclear bombs,  and of course the nuclear family of one doomsday prepping man plus one doomsday prepping woman plus one and a half kids plus one pet, all crammed in an underground bunker like Jesus intended.

Saying it was time for traditionalists to stand together to “save the Republic” and that the traditional family unit needed to be defended, Paul declared, “The family is a really important thing. We shouldn’t just give up on it.”

We should spend every waking moment trying to destroy it, so abused and neglected foster children can be spared the horrors of living in a loving household with Adam and Steve and go back to the loveless orphanage where they belong.

“We’ve introduced the Life at Conception Act, the Pro-Life Act, the No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act, the Child Interstate Abortion Notification Act, I’m also co-sponsor of the Human Life Amendment,” Paul said. “I’ve also been trying to defund Planned Parenthood. Anybody here for that?”

Aww hells yeah! If you’ve got a dick, but don’t know dick about pushing a child through a vaginal canal, and care about life more than anything in the whole wide world (until it’s actually born), then the Rand Paul Devolution is for you!

Remember, Rand Paul will stand up for your rights by stomping on everyone else’s, including any dumb broad stupid enough to be a lesbian and protest outside a Rand Paul rally.

Because two wrongs don’t make a right. They make a Rand.

Woohoo! Congratulations, Gays and Gayettes! President Barack Obama Glama has finally come out of the closet on his very controversial belief that gay men and women should have the same marriage rights as Kim Kardashian and that one tall goofy looking fellow on Jay-Z’s team, Kris Humptydumpty or whatever.

Thus, President Obama’s evolution back [...]]]>

Woohoo! Congratulations, Gays and Gayettes! President Barack Obama Glama has finally come out of the closet on his very controversial belief that gay men and women should have the same marriage rights as Kim Kardashian and that one tall goofy looking fellow on Jay-Z’s team, Kris Humptydumpty or whatever.

Thus, President Obama’s evolution back to the position he originally held in 1996, when running for president was just a twinkle in his eye, is complete, and all those who doubted his liberal street cred/coolness factor can totally go suck it (gay way included this time!).

OBAMA: I have to tell you that over the course of several years as I have talked to friends and family and neighbors when I think about members of my own staff who are in incredibly committed monogamous relationships, same-sex relationships, who are raising kids together, when I think about those soldiers or airmen or marines or sailors who are out there fighting on my behalf and yet feel constrained, even now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is gone, because they are not able to commit themselves in a marriage, at a certain point I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.

Well Hallef*ckinglujah! America can now enter the 21st century, and join Argentina, Belgium, Canada, Iceland, the Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Spain, South Africa, and Sweden in granting gays and lesbians the right to be as miserable and undersexed as everyone else in holy matrimony.

Meanwhile, current Republican presidential candidate, Mittens Romney, whose forefathers “redefined” marriage as between one man and as many women as he could swat into his desert abode using the Book of Mormon, continues to evolve the opposite way.

And now that he opposes even civil unions, Governor Gay Marriage is well on his way to losing the White House, but fulfilling his lifelong dream of getting to be the next, totally non-gay Governor of North Carolina.

Like Mormon Jesus intended.

Hooray! The gang’s all here! It’s the 2012 White House Correspondents Dinner/Nerd Prom where media celebrities, political celebrities, [...]]]>

Ooooh Kim Kardashian! Jimmy Kimmel! The cast of Glee! The great Arianna Huffington (re)Post! Hillary Clinton drunk texting from Cartagena! Birth certificate jokes! Ballrooms! Bow ties! The lamestream media! The lazy, no-good, do nothing (except destroy society) Congress!

Hooray! The gang’s all here! It’s the 2012 White House Correspondents Dinner/Nerd Prom where media celebrities, political celebrities, and celebrity celebrities get together to mutually masturbate one another in a (hopefully) mostly metaphoric way, as part of the great journalistic tradition of being the government’s fearless watchdog lapdog.

And just like Osama bin Laden one year earlier, America’s favorite Joker-in-Chief Barack Obama killed this one too.

B-Rock in da House, y’all!

Guess when it comes to killing things, be it terrorists and/or dork & celeb-studded crowds, everyone knows it’s all about the O!

[image via Washington Post]

Dick Cheney may finally have a heart, but you sure wouldn’t know it by listening to the man, the machine, the medical mutation known as former Vice President of Hell Dick Cheney.

He’s so excited about joining the rest of the human race in possessing an actual blood pumping organ made from muscle not [...]]]>

Dick Cheney may finally have a heart, but you sure wouldn’t know it by listening to the man, the machine, the medical mutation known as former Vice President of Hell Dick Cheney.

He’s so excited about joining the rest of the human race in possessing an actual blood pumping organ made from muscle not 9 volt batteries, that he simply could not wait to tell the world of the darkness that is inside it.

SoDick did what any normal machine/human hybrid would do once they were released from life saving surgery, and that is, of course to show up at the Republican state convention in Wyoming to try to scare the bejesus out of anyone with a working heart but not so functional brain.

RealClearPolitics reports:

Former Vice President Dick Cheney walked onstage without any assistance and spoke for an hour and 15 minutes without seeming to tire in his first public engagement since he underwent a heart transplant three weeks ago.

The new and improved Heart 2.0!!

“He has been an unmitigated disaster to the country,” Cheney said of President Barack Obama.

Unlike, say, his glorious 8-year reign of war and terror?

“I can’t think of a time when I felt it was more important for us to defeat an incumbent president today with respect to Barack Obama.”

Of course you can’t Dick! You’ve been in a freakin’ coma for the past few months.  Either that, or the doctors accidentally also removed the pre-frontal lobe of your brain along with Heart 1.0.

“I think he has been an unmitigated disaster to the country.”

I think you said that already Dick.

“I think to be in a position where he gets four more years in the White House to continue the policies he has, both with respect to the economy, and tax policy, and defense and some other areas would be a huge, huge disappointment.”

Almost as disappointing as the world’s biggest Dick & worst vice president in history waiting until five years after he was out of office to get a heart.

And much like that other, hideous Tell-Tale Heart, Dick Cheney’s won’t shut the f up either.

“When suddenly the most hideous, deformed, terrifying, socially backwards monster-in-a-sweater-vest appeared out of the abyss (of rural Pennsylvania) to STEAL THE ELECTION and terrorize the nation’s fashion sense.  And no woman’s sex organ is safe from THE CLAW! AAAAAGGGHHHH!”

Where the Wild Things Are? In Rick Santorum’s [...]]]> Gather ‘Round Children, It’s Democrat Scary Story Time!

“When suddenly the most hideous, deformed, terrifying, socially backwards monster-in-a-sweater-vest appeared out of the abyss (of rural Pennsylvania) to STEAL THE ELECTION and terrorize the nation’s fashion sense.  And no woman’s sex organ is safe from THE CLAW! AAAAAGGGHHHH!”

Where the Wild Things Are? In Rick Santorum’s head, at the Republican National Convention, and apparently, the South Lawn of the White House.

Or tthere’s always the Fox News version: Mysterious Dark Forces Terrorize Children with African Monster Tales.

[image via imgur]

Even weirder is that his name was actually “Soetoro.” But hey, fuggedaboutit!

Cause [...]]]>

America’s most beloved human hairpiece and billionaire cartoon character THE Donald Trump took a break from the usual destroying people’s lives and slathering Crisco on his already unnaturally orange body to assume his rightful place as the #1 undisputed authority on all things weird.

Even weirder is that his name was actually “Soetoro.” But hey, fuggedaboutit!

Cause either way, da Donald is as classy and on-point as ever, calling out lame, no-good OBAMA for taking his stepfather’s last name after his real father abandoned him (haha loser!) instead of handing him a New York real estate empire, like some other tremendous people he knows (ahem, ahem).

Wanna know what else is weird? When Barack Obama was 47, he was elected President of the United States. When The Donald Trump was 47, he was bankrupt. WEIRDER.

But the important thing is that when he was 18, people called him Donald Trump. To his face.

Otherwise, he was mostly known as COCKSUCKER/ASSHOLE/DOUCHEBAG/DIPSHIT.

Weirdo.

[image via Wonkette]

But just who is this frumpy Jesus freak in a sweater vest spreading the gooey missionary (style) [...]]]>

I’m sure by now you’ve probably heard some vague rumblings about the mysterious substance surging through the nation, oozing its frothy, God-fearing, Santorum-y essence across the vast, toxic, anal sex-ridden, pagan and homosexual wasteland that is OBAMA’S United States.

But just who is this frumpy Jesus freak in a sweater vest spreading the gooey missionary (style) gospel of one whiny, frightened, sexually frustrated, middle aged white man who loves the ladies, save for that scary sinkhole tucked between their aspirin hugging knees?

And even more importantly, just what exactly is “burning down there,” Rick? The eternal flame of a 2,016 year-old Jewish carpenter who somehow made his way into his already-bunched up tighty-whities?? The volcanic force of thousands of pent-up erections ready to explode inside virginal Christian wombs the world over?

The work of the great S-named force of evil plaguing our once-pure, once-chaste, once-white Christian nation? No, no not Sex. Give up? Why Satan, of course!

“Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition.”

Please don’t say the pussy willow, anything but pussy please!

“This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country – the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

Likely after they sowed their freedom juice into the French hookers Ben Franklin was kind enough to share with the rest of his fellow founding brethren.

Naturally, Santorum defended his comments at a rally in Phoenix, saying that unlike his Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, it’s “absurd” they resurfaced in the first place.

“It’s a joke, it’s absurd,” he said. “I‘m a person of faith. I believe in good and evil. I think if somehow or another because you’re a person of faith you believe in good and evil is a disqualifier for president, we’re going to have a very small pool of candidates who can run for president.”

Don’t be ridiculous, Rick! You and your freaky, sex-hating, loin-burning, misogynistic Christian lunatics are more than welcome to run for president. It’s just the winning part that’s off-limits.

“Our president refuses to call evil – evil. He refuses to even name it, refuses to confront it. He tries to appease and cajole it in an effort to reduce America’s commitments around the world – that if we just have paper or if we just try to make nice with those who are actively doing harm to America and its allies, that somehow or another that threat will go away or be ameliorated.”

“And what we have found is that is simply, from history, it doesn’t work.”

Sort of like whatever Rick’s got “burning” down there.

With polls showing Romney and Santorum in a statistical dead heat and primaries looming in both Arizona and Michigan, Rick appealed to the audience about the importance of the upcoming contests.

“You are going to have a huge impact,” he said. “Everybody is focused in on Super Tuesday. But more than anything else, what happens in Michigan and Arizona next week is going to have the biggest impact on Super Tuesday and this election than any two states.”

Well, other than his favorite states, denial and suppression.

Let’s just hope Santorum doesn’t blow his load first. Err, lead, I meant lead!!

After all, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn’t exist. If it wasn’t for that damn trail of Santorum left behind!

[image via AP]

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun ‘n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, [...]]]>

Holy Twit! Another day, another University of Texas Austin College Republicans President tweets something terrible and racist about President Obama, 4 like fun ‘n stuff! Hooray!!

The wonderfully enlightened prose (for trailer trash in Amarillo) comes from the second University of Texas College Republicans President in as many months, talented poet-to-be, Cassie Wright. The first one, Lauren Pierce, was a gifted scholar of that other hilarious, popular genre of Republican poetry known as Obama “assassination jokes.”

So the current President, Cassie Wright, not only decided to bless the nation with her brilliant observations, but also twatted out her momentary brain activity in adorable rhyme format! Maybe if the whole “college education” thing doesn’t work out, Cassie could become the next great author of racist children’s coloring books?

Although, to be fair, I’m pretty sure crack is not ever snorted, so Cassie should really consider hiring a fact checker before embarking on her next career as America’s premier distributor of offensive, ill-informed propaganda in 140 (rhyming) characters or less. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, biatch!

Of course, a wiz like Cassie knows Social Media isn’t just for tweeting dumb, racist nonsense about the President of the United States. Not at all! It’s also for racial stereotyping, Cassie’s (and apparently all College Republicans’) all-time favorite activity on Earth.

On Facebook recently, Wright wrote that it was a “messed up world” because she was studying in the library while “the Asian guy next to me is watching America’s Next Top Model episodes on his laptop.”
When a commenter asked what being Asian had to with it, Wright responded:
“Because Asians study a lot…If you’re offended by my use of a stereotype then gtfo [get the f*** out].”

Ah yes, tomorrow’s leaders.

My name is Cassie Wright, can you tell that I’m white?
I’ve got blonde hair and big tits, but no brain and even less wits. Holla

#everythingsdumberintexas #brasizeisbiggerthanIQ

Messed up world? GTFO!

No, seriously. The whole state. Please.

[image via Gawker]