Say you’re a confused gay or lesbian patriot who hates taxes almost as much as terrible, no-good moral fabric-destroying minorities such as your own deviant homosexual self.
Now pretend, there’s actually a whole group of fellow self-loathing wingnut queers (let’s call them GOProud, shall we?) who just like you and Patty Hearst, can’t help but align themselves with the very forces who despise them, and would like nothing more than to ship the whole sodomizing lot of ’em off to some remote, terrible, scary place in the middle of nowhere no one in their right mind would ever choose to inhabit, like say, Wasilla or something.
Now let’s imagine you and the rest of your butt sex-loving rainbow GOProud pals want to throw a big gay bash, where other like-minded wingnuts with a deep-seated hatred of themselves and their sexual preferences can go and rub elbows (and if all goes well, hopefully other parts too!), and basically feel free to be their fabulously confused, conservative, homosexual hypocritical selves, all in the name of liberty and Lipton’s signature brew.
Their very own “HomoCon” 2010! Which is like a big prom for people who probably were either too awkward or too deep in denial to attend their own actual prom, back when they were in high school some twenty years earlier. Yay!
And much like a real prom where people go to dance, have fun, and maybe get lucky and slip a hand up their date’s shirt, this HomoCon prom also needs some great headline entertainment, and probably not whichever greasy haired potheads won this year’s Battle of the Bands contest at the after school pep rally.
No, no, something this utterly fabulous demands someone equally fabulous as it’s big, wingnut-drawing superstar. So you can imagine the nation’s delight when it was revealed that none other than expired entertainer and beautiful giraffe necked giant of crazy Christians everywhere, THE Ann Hart Coulter would be the coveted GOProud guest of (dis)honor! Woohoo!
Yes, it’s true! The GOProud could hardly contain their giddiness over the prospect that the world’s most (in)famous fag hag, almost physics-defying 50ft mutant alien “Judy Garland of the Right” herself, Ann Coulter, would agree to take their gross gay money for the distinct privilege of getting to tell them just how gross gay and repulsive they are for hours of entertaining fun!
Ooooh, Ann Coulter being ummm…Ann Coulter!? OMG, this show-stopper sounds like a must see!
But the real $100,000 question, err make that the real $2,500 question, of course, is who does Ann Coulter love more, the GOProud or the bigots?
Well, now that the HomoCon has come and gone, we have the answer and can die tomorrow, our lives complete.
Turns out, the inimitable Ann Coulter knows The Gays suck even more than The Blacks, because of The Constitution, or something like that:
In one of a series of racially insensitive remarks that pervaded her speech, Coulter added, “Marriage is not a civil right. You’re not black.” It was part of a larger argument on which she later elaborated, telling the crowd that the 14th Amendment only applies to African-Americans and that it does not, in fact, apply to women, LGBT people or other minorities.
Hahaha, eat that ya sick flamers, faggots & bull dykes waving Teabags, you’re not even black, so boo-yah! Rights don’t apply to your gay kind. Come back and talk to her when your skin color turns from milky white into a nice chocolatey hue and you have an actual case. Til then, go do what you do best, spread AIDS and dole out fashion advice on E!
She then goes on to suggest that the gays should really make friends with the anti-abortion fetus freaks, because “as soon as they find the gay gene, you know who’s getting aborted.”
OMG totes! One day (hopefully soon!), the scientists will be done implanting mice with human brains and will discover a gay gene, and then everybody will abort their faggot blastocysts, for Jesus. And He won’t even weep, or be sad, because the termination of a gay fetus is not a murderous sin, but rather an actual Commandment from God. This is an undisputed fact! Just ask Christine O’Donnell, she’ll tell you!
Of course, not every HomoCon attendee appreciated Miss Coulter’s hilarious stand up comedy act regurgitating every vicious, hackneyed racist and homophobic stereotype in the history of humankind, which is weird because isn’t that exactly what they paid her to do, to be her usual lovely, compassionate self??
Another delightfully awkward moment came when Miss 50ft Thang talked about fisting, right there on the stage:
Coulter also made a forceful case against sex education in schools, accusing liberals of attempting to teach kindergartners about “fisting” (which garnered her a heckler, who shouted out “What’s wrong with fisting?”) and told the crowd that most parents didn’t want their children learning about the “homosexual lifestyle” instead of reading and writing.
So true! Everyone knows they want their precious li’l miracles of God learning how to hate gross gay mutations of normal, decent Jeebus-worshiping folks instead!
Luckily, the awkward tension was relieved when Ann Coulter explained, “Haha, just kidding, there is nothing wrong with fisting!”, before teaching the eager conventioneers all about the good kind of fisting, where you fold your hand in the shape of the Laffer Curve, which guarantees every HomoCon attendee’s man or womanly goodness will trickle down onto everyone else, and the economy will be saved forever. Hooray!
So, now that HomoCon 2010 has come and gone, and all the jello shots made of holy water, artificial flavors, and shame have been slurped up, perhaps Ann Coulter will go home and reflect on why her much-anticipated coming out speech bombed, shocking all, while awing none.
Guess she must have made the rookie mistake of misreading her audience. Wingnut gays don’t hate black people, silly! They hate taxes! And, of course, themselves!
Anyway, only three-hundred-fifty-something days left until the next awesome HomoCon fest!
2011 baby!! Wonder who the fabulous, queer-bashing, hate-filled keynote speaker will be? Adolf Hitler (the original, not the new Arab-y one occupying the West Wing of the White House instead of the entire European continent)? Oooh, keep your fingers crossed! Perhaps Mahmoud Ahmedinejad? Allah-willing! We can always hope, right? I hear George Rekers is available, and this time, he won’t even have to scour up ‘n down the Internets looking for a few good men (whores) to help handle his heavy loads.
There’s already a whole room of ’em! Plus I hear these ones are totally into the whole kinky S&M bondage thing. Particularly, the humiliation part!