Birds, Birdbrains, and Barack: Presidential Turkey Pardons Through The Ages

Doesn’t it seem like just yesterday when the leader of this fair country was a brave cowboy named George W. Bush, every day was filled with sunshine and rainbows, and there was nary a care in the world?

Ah yes, those lazy days when America was blessed with the maverick stylings of a certain Wasilla wonder before she ditched her political ambitions (and the state of Alaska) to Go Rogue ($7 million times over) and become the world’s most famous star on Facebook!

But luckily we can all give thanks knowing we’ll always have cherished memories of those glory days when nothing spread holiday cheer like a good, old fashioned turkey massacre, courtesy of our favorite Alaskan snowflake Sarah Palin, in all her true brilliance.

And to think it would be a whole year and 133 pages into Going Rogue to truly understand the sheer brilliance of a woman who feels most comfortable conducting holiday interviews amid a backdrop of blood, guts, and squawking turkeys shoved into meat grinders!


“If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?”

Or gave them beautiful ivory tusks and antlers, if He didn’t intend for us to use them as office decorations? I mean there’s only so many hides and horns and a room can handle before it just becomes downright gaudy!

Of course in the dark ages before the Internets and YouTube, we were spared from such cruel and awkward moments, best captured by a single B&W or color photo, if anything at all, to be relegated to the dustbins of the Oval Office, when the U.S. president is forced to humor the rest of us simpletons by pardoning a turkey in some ridiculous presidential tradition.

But thanks to all this off-the-hook youth technology, we now have full length videos capturing every painfully awkward moment of our very own president Barack Obama’s best attempt to deal with the humiliating reality of granting freedom to fowl by “joking” about wishing he was “doing something other than pardoning a turkey and sending it to Disneyland.”

But since duty calls, he was “pleased to announce that “thanks to the interventions of Malia and Sasha–because I was planning to eat this sucker–’Courage’ will also be spared this terrible and delicious fate.”

Not so for Sasha and Malia who were forced to alternately chill, squirm and occasionally rock back-and-forth in typical tween boredom while their Dad said some funny stuff, some stuff they didn’t get but he found really funny (soooo embarrassing when he does that!), some smart, boring stuff, blah blah blah…did he say Bo? Bo wouldn’t kill “Courage,” Daddy, stop laughing, that isn’t funny!…Wonder if he’s ever gonna stop talking…blah blah blah for approx. 7 mins and 56 until he was done and they could finally go chow down on Courage’s first-cousin, Cowardice.

Fine lookin’ bird!