OMG, get your tuxes out, (gay) ladies and gentleman who reside in the soon-to-be same-sex cesspool of sin & sodomy of Gayifornia!
A week after permanently destroying the moral fabric of America with one stroke of his Prop 8-killing gavel, Judge Vaughn Walker, elitist liberal activist Judge Vaughn Walker has struck at the heart of hetero America once again.
But don’t worry, because gay Californians will not be able to ruin America with their marriage smut until August 18th doomsday. Then, gays and lesbians can feel free to fill up City Halls across the Golden State, where they will finally be able to do gross things like exchange “vows” in front of highly impressionable, horrified women, children, and elderly nursing home residents.
Thank heavens there are still some people who are not willing to just sit back and watch as America goes down the gay nuptial drain.
Brave, decent pillars of morality like Papa Bear Bill O’ Reilly, who invited fellow Fox News hero Glenn Beck on his show to discuss this latest attack on decency and freedom in the form of committed, monogamous federally recognized unions of matrimony…with the wrong penis-vagina ratios!
Until the unthinkable happened. The usually reliably insane, tear-producing, hate-spewing, gay bashing, freedom-fighting rodeo clown of the wingnut right Glenn Lee Beck suddenly morphed into some arugula-eating, family-values destroying liberal who doesn’t even think the end of civilization will come from Adam and Steve sashaying to the altar in matching, color coordinated Valentino suits. This absurd lapse into coherent sanity cannot stand! It makes Papa Bear O’ Reilly quite uncomfortable, which in turn, makes the whole world uncomfortable!
Why doesn’t Beck cover culture-war issues or feel even the slightest bit threatened by this frightening man-on-man menace? Could he be one of them?? Why doesn’t he get all hot ‘n bothered, purplish red with rage like ol’ Billy over here?
The man would like to know!
“Do you believe—do you believe that gay marriage is a threat to the country in any way?” O’Reilly asked.
“A threat to the country? No, I don’t,” Beck said, laughing, adding mockingly, “Will the gays come and get us?” And thus the strange pattern of Glenn Beck making sense continues.
“Honestly, I think we have bigger fish to fry,” Beck said. “You can argue about abortion or gay marriage or whatever all you want. The country is burning down…” he said, adding that marriage “is a religious right” and “I don’t think the government has anything to do with it.”
Channeling his inner Thomas Jefferson, one of his many founding father heroes, Beck replied, “If it neither breaks my leg, nor picks my pocket, what difference is it to me?”
Well this just about makes Papa Bear lose it altogether, and fly into one of his signature vein popping, (‘roid fueled?) nationally televised rages, usually reserved for teleprompters and interns only.
What makes dumb ol’ deranged Glenny Beck so God damn special that he can get his crazy viewers to still tune in for reasons other than to get all riled up about their ol’ culture-crushing mainstays, fetuses and queers?
Why does he think it’s a-okay to report on very important Calvin Coolidge news, yet all-but “ignore the profound change in the American family” caused by these marauding, marriage-obsessed abominations before God?
What makes him so wonderfully immune to the rest of the whackjobs and wingnuts all the other esteemed Fox News team is held captive by, and must constantly nourish with lies, prejudice and hate, or risk losing their status as the #1 highest rated news show among the senile 85+ crowd, in the whole wide world?
Ugh, if only crazy came as naturally to him as it does to America’s blond-haired, blue-eyed angel of truthiness and psychotropic-induced reason!
This really ticks old salty dog O’Reilly off. But don’t fret Papa Bear! Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
For the remaining 1438 minutes, just do what you usually do. Foam at the mouth growling with seething rage until the next dopey pinhead sitting across from you says something sooooooo compassionate about gays, liberals, or Jennifer Aniston, that your big Papa Bear grizzly head pops right off its beautifully red-hot vein-bulging neck.
In other words, comes unhinged.