2012 Fever is on the rise in Iowa, where desperate Republican candidates (and Marcus Bachmann!) deep-throated footlong corndogs (for freedom) in order to get elected President of the “Ames Straw Poll,” hobnob with racist, old, white Midwesterners, provide endless comedic relief to the rest of us, and of course, prove to the entire nation their skills are second-to-none when it comes to gobbling down various delicious meat-on-stick combinations.
Hotttttttt!
Michele Bachmann narrowly won the Iowa straw poll of Republicans on Saturday in the first big test of the 2012 presidential campaign, as Texas Governor Rick Perry formally launched a White House bid that could reshape the race.
Tim Pawlenty, the former governor of Minnesota, dropped out of the presidential race Sunday morning after finishing a distant third in Saturday’s Iowa GOP straw poll.
T-Paw, we hardly knew ye. And that was how we liked it.
Candidates who go all-in but fall well short in Ames typically find it difficult to raise money, and without personal wealth to fall back on, Mr. Pawlenty decided to cut his losses and bow out. In addition, the entry of Texas Gov. Rick Perry into the race Saturday, combined with Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll, has shifted the focus to their expected battle for the hearts and minds of conservatives.
Good-bye, what’s his name, Tim Polenta or whatever. Hello, crazy lady and new “serious candidate” guy, Rick Perry. The one who prayed to God for rain.
USA! USA! USA! USA!
So, while the mercury was rising in the cornfields deep fat fryers of bumblef**k Iowa, things were cooling off considerably for a one, Barack Obama, whose popularity has plummeted thanks to a hellish economy and even more hellish Congress filled with hellish human teabags.
According to the latest Gallup Poll, Barack Obama’s approval has fallen to 39%, his lowest presidential approval rate yet, putting him on par with adult onset diabetes, bumper-to-bumper traffic, heat rash, mowing your lawn with a small pair of dull scissors, and getting stuck in an elevator, marooned a deserted island, or just having to spend an extended period of time with any one of the lovely Republican presidential candidates, not including Tim Pawlenty, who falls somewhere between Ebola and the Plague.
But what ever should an increasingly unpopular politician do to raise cash money, when “being good at your job/saving the nation from catastrophe” just doesn’t seem to cut it?
Umm, let’s see, ask, “What Would Sarah Do?” then hightail it to the nearest bus depot, get behind the wheel of the biggest, most souped up, 18-wheeler tour bus available, paint a big, gaudy American flag right smack dab in the middle, and rumble aimlessly across the country, whoring yourself out for as much money and attention as possible.
Oh look, he’s already got one of Sarah Palin’s tricks down pat. Blame everybody else for everything wrong all the time, every hour of every day, “as though your job depends upon it.”
From The Hill:
President Obama, itching to spend more time outside of Washington, begins a three-day bus tour of the Midwest on Monday afternoon in Minnesota.
Obama is expected to use the trip to highlight his own criticism of Congress and Washington as he increasingly looks to run against Washington in 2012 despite four years on the job in the Oval Office.
“During the debt-ceiling debate we were trapped here, it felt like, for many, many weeks,” White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer said Friday.
“He got his first trip out of Washington [last week] to Michigan, and he’s looking forward to traveling back home to Illinois, to Minnesota, and also, of course, to Iowa, which is a place that always has had a special connection with this president and this White House.”
See, Obama hates being nailed down at his job as much as the rest of the 9-5 schlubs in America. Well, other than pray-the-gay-away therapist/personal stylist exraordinaire/secret sausage king Marcus Bachmann, that is.
“If you’re talking about a stunt, I don’t think a stunt is what the American people are looking for,” White House press secretary, Jay Carney, told reporters. “They’re looking for leadership, and they’re looking for a focus on economic growth and job creation.”
By shoving thick tubular meat down their throats, we presume!
