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$arah Palin's Newest Much-Anticipated Tribute To Hooked-On-Phonics Hits Shelves In November


So little time, so much money to be made! Whatever is a gal to do?

Well, if that gal happens to be a certain Arctic princess and Alaskan cash cow by the name of $arah Palin, then you betcha she’ll be moo, baby mooing all the way to the friggin’ bank!

Because the woman can literally do anything. And by “do anything,” I naturally mean read aloud the very difficult, one-to-syllable words she scribbled on her hand to some medium-smart college kids in California for like some ungodly sum of money, not to mention first-class travel accommodations and all the bells ‘n whistles that come with being a true American hero. And budding literary legend.

Wink, wink.

All our li’l snowflake has to do is find another amazing, likewise talented maverick, whose vocabulary contains enough words to pen an actual book (like maybe the same literary wizard behind Going Rogue) and voila!

$arah makes even more moose piles of money, and the rest of us poor schmucks get America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag, likely the best, most important book of the year, decade, century, EVER, judging by that last Palin-Vincent magnum opus.

And this time, the second instant classic from $arah’s famed, ghostwritten collection is not even about her favoritest subject (herself, duh!). Which is a shame really because much like her unparalleled literary prowess, $arah Palin is the single most interesting, amazing, patriotic human to ever grace the face of the Earth.

And like Jesus before her and maybe also Glenn Beck, $arah is here to deliver the truth to the good people of America who don’t live in any of the 50 biggest cities (or their metropolitan areas, or anywhere near elitist things like libraries and coffee shops) about some good, old fashioned ‘merican values, Barracuda style.

Sarah Palin’s tribute to American values will include “selections from classic and contemporary readings that have moved her,” according to HarperCollins, along with “the nation’s founding documents to great speeches, sermons, letters, literature and poetry, biography, and even some of her favorite songs and movies.”

Like the Deer Hunter and American Pie 2!

The book is inspired not only by her “strong belief in the importance of family, faith, and patriotism,” but by some of the people she met last year while promoting “Going Rogue.” Palin skipped major cities such as Seattle and Los Angeles, traditional stops on most author tours, and instead focused on smaller communities more receptive to her conservative message.

Population 300 or less? Ya know, more of the 24hr nudie-bar, gun shops, billboards about gays and hell, and Obamar is Muslin crowd!

“The book will also include portraits of some of the extraordinary men and women she admires and who embody her deep love of country, her strong rootedness in faith, and her profound love and appreciation of family,” the statement from HarperCollins reads.

Ooooh goody! Does that include surprise miracle of God’s that come from unwed teenage daughters having drunken one night stands in the back of hubby Todd’s pickup truck?

While the e-book for Going Rogue came out several weeks after the hardcover, this time, the digital edition for “America By Heart” will be available at the same time. Yay?

Because, either way, you betcha $arah’s gonna get real paid!

And if you even so much as think about illegally downloadin’, copying, or whatever you crazy kids do on that devil machine with the series of tubes, think again! $arah will find some way to charge you, be it $25.99 for the hard cover, $12.99-$14.99 for the e-book, or on five felony counts of fraud and identity theft in a court of law. For freedom!

And no matter what happens, the important thing is $arah still gets fabulously rich, America gets a second helping of Wasilla’s semi-literate answer to Mother Theresa (Medusa?) in the form of a children’s book about flags, evil 22-year-old cyber criminals who illegally download e-books or guess idiot passwords former half-term governors use for their super-secret official state emails get to rot in a jail cell for oh, fifty or so years, and justice is once again served!

Sunny side-up (colors separate!), heavily oil-saturated, with a moderate-to-severe risk of Salmonella poisoning.

4 comments to $arah Palin’s Newest Much-Anticipated Tribute To Hooked-On-Phonics Hits Shelves In November

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