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Another Day, Another Weeping Orange Boehner Wets Himself For No Reason

Democrats and Republicans might be on the verge of shutting down the big, bad gubmint (hooray?) due to some alleged financial dispute, but beloved members of both of our nation’s dumb political parties can at least still agree on one thing: even House Speaker John Boehner’s inappropriate, borderline hysterical booze tears won’t be enough to save the nation now.

After meeting with his Senate majority counterpart (minus the drinking problem), Harry Reid, to discuss always-riveting budget negotiations, John Boehner once again returned to his House Republican caucus to deliver what’s come to be known as the sob heard ’round the world.

“Yes. He cried, but only briefly,” said one person at the meeting.

Phew! I mean we wouldn’t want the ol’ Boehns to waste all his glowing moisture droplets in one fell swoop, now would we? Let’s just hope he can better budget his tear ducts than he can the actual budget!

So yes it looks like the government is going to shut down tomorrow night because, like, who needs law and order anyway? Certainly not Libya…or the United States!

Because Republicans will NOT do anything, I repeat anything until Obama and the God-awful Democrats agree to withhold all funds for anyone not still connected to a placenta or serving in unnecessary military invasions or occupations overseas.

Ya know, the important people.

But leave it to those pesky Democrats to refuse the Republicans’ asinine demands and instead do something really crazy like actually stand up for spending money on some stuff, just to keep the ol’ government coiffers filled and humming dysfunctionally along.

The nerve!

The one-week stopgap drafted by House Republicans would provide money through Sept. 30 for the Pentagon, which has said the budget fight is causing considerable problems for the military. The inclusion of the military spending should win support for the bill even from House conservatives who had previously said they would not back any more temporary spending measures. It also allows Republicans to say they are making certain that troops fighting overseas do not miss a paycheck.

Oooh, thank heavens Republicans don’t have to worry about people saying they don’t sufficiently love the troops with all their ice cold, corporate-sponsored, oil-soaked li’l hearts, since this is pretty much the only thing that concerns the Grand Old Party, other than legislating what a woman can or cannot do with her hooha.

Priorities, people!

“There is an intent on both sides to continue to work together to try to resolve this. No one wants the government to shut down,” Boehner said, his lower lip once again quivering and eyes filling with faux warm wet droplets. Wink, wink.

Haha, dumb Democrats didn’t even realize his fingers were crossed behind his back, which everyone knows is the universal sign for psyching out Democratic congressmen (and women!).

Which isn’t all that hard when all you have to do is demand a bunch of outrageous, nonsensical concessions from the party in power and call it a comprise, stockpile some tear ducts, gather a crowd of lamestream jourrnalists, and scare the bejesus out of caring Democrats by making yet another half-hearted, ill-intended promise to shutdown the terrible, no-good government everyone hates except when Republicans are running it.

“I’ve got to tell you all that I like the president personally,” John Boehner said. “We get along well. But the president isn’t leading. He didn’t lead on last year’s budget, and he clearly is not leading on this year’s budget.”

Unlike a certain Speaker Leaker of the House, whose unparalleled leadership skills can clearly be seen by the trail of bourbon-flavored tear drops leading to the one place America can’t afford to shut down: the local tanning salon, duh!

Which is still a helluva lot better than the latest, greatest GOP “compromise” the Republicans will cook up next, if they want to avoid government shutdown another two weeks: the immediate killing of the first born child in every Democratic family.

See, told ya governing is easy!

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