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And The Winner Is…A Name We Can’t Pronounce Anyway

Iranians streamed into polling stations on Friday to decide whether they want their country run by the same ranting hard-line conservative with a penchant for Banana Republic jackets they’ve had to listen to for the last few years or a reformist who might not dress as smartly but has a definite upside in that he doesn’t hate freedom, Jews or the United States.

Unfortunately, Iran 2009 is quickly turning into Florida 2000 (minus the hanging chads and old people), with both incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and challenger Mir Hossein Mousavi claiming victory. Uh-Oh.

Hours after the polls closed the candidates appeared to be locked in a dead-heat, until in a surprising turnabout, Iran’s state-run news agency suddenly declared Mahmoud Ahmadinejad had won by a landslide.

Which wouldn’t be a problem if reformist challenger Mousavi hadn’t already also made his own victory announcement, declaring, “I am the absolute winner of the election by a very large margin,” before adding that, “It is our duty to defend people’s votes. There is no turning back.”

You see, Mousavi is very worried that that dapper lunatic Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will once again rig the election in his favor, in a shout-out to his old adversary George W. Bush.

It wouldn’t be the first time Ahmadinejad borrowed something from one of his evil American enemies. Like arch-nemesis and current devil-in-chief Barack Hussein Obama, whose wildly successful “Yes, We Can campaign slogan was such a hit in the states, Ahmadinejad figured why not press his luck and give the ol’ slogan a nice Iranian once-over and have a go himself.

Not that it makes any difference anyway, since all important policies are decided by unelected Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. And everyone knows he really gets his orders from a charming secret Muslim named Barry.

So maybe the Jews don’t control everything!

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