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Newt Gingrich & Herman Cain To Compete In "Modified Lincoln-Douglas Debate," In That They Only Use 3/5ths Of Their Brains

Grab your Gideons, prep your muskets, sharpen your bayonets, throw on your colonial best and head on down to Houston, Texas for the can’t-miss event of the year, the clash of two GOP presidential titans Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich. Wait, did I say can’t miss?? Haha silly me! I meant can’t watch, since no […]

The Show May Be Over, But Traitor Joe's Always Open For Business (If That Business Is Screwing Over Democrats)

There is nothing, I repeat, nothing Sen. Joe Lieberman enjoys more than crushing hopes and destroying dreams. Except maybe the occasional chance to kick a whimpering, defenseless puppy down the street or really stick it to Democrats, ya know, the party he joined in 1970 and represented as a vice presidential candidate in 2000, before […]

Michele Bachmann's Presidential Hopes Are Sinking So Fast, Her Entire New Hampshire Staff Decided To Jump Ship For Something Safer, Like The Titanic

America’s favorite blue-eyed basket case Michele Bachmann is sure having a rough go at this whole running for president thing. Turns out, convincing more than 4.8 percent of the voting population that you are indeed just as capable of ruling the free world as being involuntarily committed to the local psych ward is a lot […]

The Only Difference Between The Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street Is 235 Years Of Progress

So the Tea Party & Occupy Wall Street movements are not that different? OMG, so true! Just take away the inability to formulate a coherent sentence, add the ability to still move your massive, diabetic body with your own two legs, not the reinforced rubber wheels of your Socialist Medicare motor scooter, toss in your […]

Herman Cain Likes His Illegal Immigrants Much Like His Fast Food: Deep Fried!

Whether he’s touting his foreign policy skills by grunting nonsense syllables like “Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan” or rescuing the nation’s economy by changing from the gold standard of coins to the Godfather standard of pepperoni slices, and installing the wacko, fictional tax plan he stole from SimCity 4 that repeats the arbitrary number “9” three times while taxing […]

Forget "Small, Insignificant States" Like Uzbekistan, What America Really Needs Is A Small, Insignificant Statesman Like Herman Cain

Delusional pizza merchant and self-proclaimed delicious black walnut (he certainly is nutty!) Herman Cain, will not rest until every last second of his desperate, quickly expiring 15 minutes of fame (aka GOP presidential relevancy) is utterly and completely exhausted.

Which is why the rest of us are forced to endure Herman’s non-stop, whirlwind media tour, letting […]

The Only Thing Scarier Than Mobs Of Crazed, Gun-Waving Teabaggers Are Mobs Of Polite, Hand-Waving Tea Drinkers

Unless you’ve been living under a rock (no, no, not whatever it is that’s beneath Rick Perry’s perfectly combed, thick brown coif) or have simply been too busy following Sarah Palin’s earth-shattering announcement not to continue duping dumb white people out of their hard-earned money in her ridiculous faux presidential ponzi scheme/grifter bus tour, chances […]

A Quitter Never Wins & A Winner Never Quits, Which Is Why Sarah Palin Will Just Go Ahead & Be A Loser Who Always Quits

Take a deep breath, America. Sarah Palin’s awful, vomit-inducing, toxic reign of idiocy is officially over. It’s true! On the momentous 5th day of October in the 2011th year of mankind, the nation’s, no, no, make that the world’s, most famous grifter-quitter-grandma from hell (aka Wasilla), Sarah Louise Palin, aka Lou Sarah aka Mama Grizz […]

The Big Ticket: Is Being The Size Of An Elephant Too Big Even For Republican Voters?

For some reason, the current crop of crazy-eyed kooks with homo husbands, washed-up Mormon Hair Club For Men spokesmodels, rambling, incoherent, coyote (and criminal) killing governors of Texas moonlighting as the Marlboro Man, and assorted other GOP misfits, misanthropes, Santorums(?) and maniac pizza moguls with more chance of delivering your large cheeseburger-smothered pie straight to […]